


Chaldea Academia

by Moxonomy



Category: Fate/Grand Order, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms
Genre: An acquired taste of humour (not really), Comedy, Don't Examine This Too Closely, Dumb Cat Becomes School President, F/M, Golden, Insufferable Fluffballs, Just An Ordinary School Story, Ludicrous amounts of N0BU, Parody, Starring the Queen T H O T, Stuff that really doesn't make any sense, Unhealthy Ramen Obsessions
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-14
Updated: 2018-04-17
Packaged: 2019-03-18 08:35:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 49,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13678113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moxonomy/pseuds/Moxonomy
Summary: An unlikely protagonist ends up being forced into a school life. What could possibly go wrong?Warning: May contain spoilers for Pt.1 of Grand/Order. NA players beware.





	1. A Drastic Case of Fou Pas!

**Author's Note:**

> Moxy: Uh... I guess a put a disclaimer thing here, right? Right.
> 
> I do not own Fate/Grand Order or any related franchise. How was that?
> 
> ... More? Um. Well... Okay! I'm new to this site, hello. I've been writing Fate stories for a while now and have decided to carry over my misadventures onto here. Likely to the dismay of many. This story has started off with 14 chapters since I'm migrating it from a different site. It will continue to be updated on both sites.
> 
> Anywho, here are some pointers about this story.
> 
> 1\. This story shouldn't be taken too seriously. Inaccuracies are to be expected. Character personalities may seem different, NPs might be used in outrageous ways, etc.
> 
> 2\. Doesn't mean critique will be ignored though. If there's something you think would improve the story (no, "stop writing" is not a valid response) then let me know.
> 
> 3\. I'm planning for at least every character (from Pt.1 of FGO) to make an appearance in some form. I do not take character requests, but if someone mentions an idea that I think I can use appropriately, I will steal the fuck outta it... and give you some credit. I suppose I have to do that.
> 
> 4\. This story contains characters from Pt.1 of FGO only. Why not anything beyond Pt.1? I figure more people that read this haven't played JP FGO. I mean, NA FGO isn't done with Pt.1 yet... but y'know. Semantics. Anyway, that's just how it is for now.
> 
> 5\. The aforementioned restriction does not include other media in the Fate franchise. I figure most people have played/watched F/SN, and some people probably don't even know about the Strange Tales of the Imperial Holy Grail (oh yes, there are references to that).
> 
> 6\. Not everything is a reference, but a lot of things are. Not that it matters. You can probably gauge my interests based on what is referenced... don't judge.
> 
> 7\. The style I write in for this is very hit or miss. If you dislike it in the first few chapters, you will probably overall not like it. Save yourself the trouble (yes, it is Homestuck-inspired).
> 
> 8\. The 4th Wall is an illusion. Come have tea as we watch paint dry on the three other walls.
> 
> 9\. There MIGHT be "routes" further along the line, for select heroines. We'll see how it goes.
> 
> 10\. No. This is NOT A HAREM STORY.

_Beep. Beep. BEEP. BEEP._

"Ah shit, I'm gonna be laaaate!"

He roared into the ceiling but then just sat there, staring upwards…

"Not that I have anything meaningful to be late for."

This is Angra Mainyu. He's a lazy sack of shit with nothing going on in his life.

The world's lamest Heroic Spirit laid down in his dirty worn bed as he returned to slumber contently, without a care in the world.

Like any other day, he would sleep like this until late noon. He would then wake up, prepare a cup of instant ramen for himself and perform the daily grind. AKA, uselessly surfing the web and trolling people on forums.

He was a true representative of the best side of humanity.

The hundred-yen kettle was set and slowly started to boil, as he poured the powdered mix into the dry noodles. Ah, cup ramen. A revolutionary product that represents human ingenuity in the face of self-nourishment under a severe budget.

It was pork rib flavor, a popular choice amidst the cup ramen consuming populace of Chaldea City. He considered himself a connoisseur of such things. He has tried many cup ramens during his time here, and he felt experienced enough to declare that pork rib was the king of cup ramen flavors.

The kettle finally clicked and steaming hot water was poured all over the noodles. More waiting… he could hardly contain his mild amount of excitement. Soon the time had come to grace his tastebuds with cheap, savory goodness.

The noodles were cooked to perfection, a delicate balance between soggy and chewiness. Just the way he liked it. The broth glistened golden and gave off the most delicious aroma. Like succulent, freshly roasted meat on the bone… he could see the flavor slowly but surely seeping into the noodles. The time to dive in was now before it completely messed up the texture of the goods.

Equipped with a plastic fork, the first move was made… a column of freshly brothed up noodles was carefully pulled up. It had a sheen of pork rib coating to it, like the luscious locks of an angel… a greasy, pork-flavored messenger of food heaven.

Sapid juices splashed and dripped all over the place as he delicately hovered scrumptious satisfaction towards his gaping maw… closer and closer, he would soon join the pork-flavored angels on cloud swine…

"Fou."

There was a pause, and a moment of perplexity. His gaze reluctantly shifted from the golden angel's hair before him and settled on…

A magnificently obnoxious ball of fluff. It looked like a P*kemon, or the animal mascot of some low-rate gacha-based waifu-simulator that is most likely a terrible game in all shapes and forms.

Now what was such a pompous little thing doing in his-

"FOU!"

 

> **Arts of the Beast: Super Fou Kick!**

"HUAAAAH!"

It was daylight murder. The furry little scamp performed the most well-formed of high jump kicks and sent that bowl of heaven flying out of Angra's hands. Time seemed to slow down, as a mess of noodles and a haphazard rain of broth cascaded towards the floor…

"NOOOOOOO!"

The bitter end. The bowl of ramen was now spilled all over the floor. It was the last food item that he had in storage. Angra Mainyu was out of usable food…

He whited out.

"Fou."

"I'm gonna make a shishkebab out of you!"

Sadness became anger as he summoned his tonfa-blades that looked like an edgy twelve-year old designed them. The fluffball decided it had overstayed its welcome and was now escaping underneath the door.

Thus, the chase was on. Burning with the fires of pork rib vengeance, the starving Avenger left his crappy apartment complex and chased the fluffball all the way through Downtown.

"Fou! Fou fou!"

"I'll baste ya in butter and honey, then I'll roast ya over an open fire you despoiler of heaven!"

All the locals could really say about this scene was that the local fool was unusually active today. Things were bustling on this Monday morning in Chaldea City, and Angra only enhanced that energy.

Today was not like any other day for Angra. The moment that he had deviated from the daily routine that had cemented him into mundanity for so long… he was already on a full-sail course to something entirely new.

As he rounded the next corner at breakneck speed, he was ready to use the momentum to lunge in for the kill. Like a rabid animal, he went for the neck… except that the fluffball had made a rendevous with its accomplice.

He stamped his feet down to try and brake himself, but he ended up with his blades poised forward. It was too late-

**CRACK!**

His two blades clashed with a wooden cane of sorts, which promptly snapped in two. Well, at least no one was hurt…

"Ah, now that's terrible luck."

The person that Angra had almost grievously injured was clearly the owner of this dastardly critter. After all, his hair and attire was just as gaudy and obnoxiously lucid in appearance. Maybe he was a hippy, considering he carried around a giant tree branch…

"Your pet ruined my luxurious morning banquet."

"How terrible."

"My Monday is basically ruined now!"

"How terrible."

"So ya gonna compensate me for it or what, clownster?"

"How very terrible."

His patience was waning, as he slowly poised his blades threatening… since they were actually quite blunt, the key tactic in using them was making them look far deadlier than they actually were.

"Now now, you're not gonna commit to murder in the middle of the street are you?"

"Your little piece of shit committed daylight murder on my breakfast."

"My, you're quite the angry one."

"Piss off."

Anyone would be angry if they had their perfect breakfast interrupted like that. This guy's whimsical demeanor didn't help with that.

"Before you proceed to inconvenience me with those rough-edged toys, I must inform you of something…"

Whimsical yet perceptive. Angra reluctantly lowered his weapons a bit as the flamboyant man presented the broken halves of his cane.

"You see this? This was a magical item of superb value and power. A branch of the World Tree, to be precise. Now how will you go about compensating me for it?"

A bit of a chill ran through Angra's veins as he learned the true nature of that cane, though he could probably weasel his way out of this…

"W-well… you probably shouldn't carry something like that around in the street y'know? Eheheh…"

His nervous sweating intensified to counteract his plans. This clownish idiot simply smiled the entire time, though it was probably because he knew that Angra was now in the palms of his hands.

"Such an item cannot be replaced easily. So…"

"No…"

"I will need assistance in that matter…"

"Nooo…"

"Assistance in the form of a debt, or perhaps a favor…"

"No!"

"And it just so happens I know someone that can fulfill that for me."

"NOOOO!"

Angra turned to try and leg it. This guy couldn't possibly run in that get-up, so Angra would do the one thing he was good at: running! A Rank Agility away!

… Except that a conveniently positioned fluffball would stop any possibility of his escape as he dramatically tripped over it.

**THUD!**

He faceplanted onto the pavement as he made a fool of himself. As he peeled his planted face off of the floor, a hand extended out to him. He grimaced as he saw that bombastic asshole glowing in the morning sun, like some introduction scene from a cheesy anime…

"My name's Merlin. Let's do business, weakest Heroic Spirit."


	2. One Sugar, No Milk

_At a cafe in Downtown..._

"And those are the terms of my offer. Will you accept them?"

"This is blackmail."

"No, this is an act of charity."

Angra sat in the chair casually, perhaps too much so, as he groaned in annoyance. His day went from a potential heavenly start to nothing short of a travesty.

Across from him the ostentatious magus known as Merlin was quietly seated there, smiling away like a goof as he gave Angra a painful reminder via waving about the broken cane. He wavered over a nearby waitress and ordered himself a vanilla latte. Of course, he would order that, he was such a vanilla latte type of prick...

The fluffball was sat on the floor beside him, just staring up at Angra with beady eyes. "Quit staring at me you little shitbag", was what Angra wanted to blurt out…

"I'll repeat them for a third time, then. Third time's the charm, as they say!"

Oh, here we go again.

"To replace this magical artifact, it is not a simple matter of raising money nor acquiring materials in order to conceive and fabricate a suitable replacement. No, the law of equivalent exchange comes into play here. Thus, you will offer me something of equal value to a branch of the World Tree. Now, usually one would say "your life" here. However, I don't like adhering to cliches at all… so I'll have you join my academy. Chaldea Academy! In doing so, you will be provided appropriate accommodation and resources to help you settle into your new academic life as a student. If you choose not to accept this offer… well, I happen to know an agency that might take a more impetuous approach. Now… those are the terms of my offer. Will you accept them?"

Angra had little choice in this matter. That mention of an agency had a sinister undertone to it, despite his innocently smiling facade. Coupled with the fact that this guy seemed to be some big-shot, it made Angra extra cautious.

He had heard about types like this on the forums… they'd make an offhand remark about knowing some people that you'd think is a joke until you don't even live to see the next day. And no one will even know you're gone…

Still, he didn't like being forced into things. Even if this was ultimately only his own fault, it wasn't in his character to just turn over and accept this.

… Then again, he could approach this differently. He was going to be given an allowance and a brand new lodging, which were already pretty good benefits. It's not like he was asking Angra to excel in his studies. He could just enjoy all the benefits of a school life without doing much of the school part.

Living expenses paid for, in addition to the possibility of being able to gaze at hotties in uniform all day long… oh yeah, the major benefit of a school life was definitely school girls!

Suddenly, this offer didn't seem too bad. Then again, it never took much to convince Angra that a terrible idea was a good idea... it was kinda second nature for him.

"Suuuure then. I'll go to your school."

"Oh? Really? Third time really was the charm!"

Merlin seemed genuinely surprised that Angra accepted so easily this time around. Emphasis on seemed. He pulled out a bunch of papers and had the Avenger sign them all. Not being one to read much, he just signed away at all of them without much second thought. When has that ever gone wrong?

"I'm glad you chose not to read through them. This would take forever, otherwise… you'll be escorted to your new home tomorrow morning, so please be prepared for it. They'll be taking you even if you aren't."

"Yeah, whatever. By the way, about my ramen…"

He was still hung up on that. The vanilla latte arrived and Merlin simply slurped away noisily at it as Angra asked the question… he was doing that on purpose. Asshole.

"By the way, be sure to take your studies seriously. Otherwise, the teachers might have a word or two with you… also, do as you like with the girls. They may also have a word with you."

The hell did he mean by that? Teachers are teachers, girls are girls. This was gonna be great! They could have as many words as they like with him, it was going to change the fact that Angra was gonna have the time of his life while simultaneously giving a big "fuck you" to this jaunty magus.

Plus, didn't he just give Angra consent to do whatever he liked with the girls there? He can't go back on that now! He couldn't help but grin at the possibilities… though it clearly showed his intent, Merlin didn't seem to take notice as she slurped at his latte.

The waitress approached them again once he had finished the latte.

"How will you be paying, sir?"

"Hmm… could I pay you with a romantic, candle-lit evening in my tower, followed by some light pillow play~?"

"U-uhm… on second thought, that one's on the house."

The unnerved waitress wandered off, staying well away from the attempting-to-be-suave magus. Angra blinked. That just multiplied his lameness by a mild amount.

"Sigh, women this age aren't romantic at all. Then again, they weren't back then either… oh well. I won't hold you up any longer. I look forward to what you can bring to my academy, weakest Heroic Spirit."

And with that, Merlin left. The fluffball vanished too, much to everyone's (pretty much just Angra's) relief. What Angra can bring is havoc and anarchy, perhaps with a tinge of chaos to spice things up too. He was gonna be the model delinquent that made everyone's lives hell. That being said…

What did he mean by "weakest Heroic Spirit"? He figured it was just some strange way that Merlin was insulting with, but it seemed like something else entirely. As if he knew who Angra was…

Well, Angra knew himself pretty well. He was just some poor guy who trolled internet forums all day long and lived on a diet of ramen and bottled water. He couldn't even afford proper attire, having nothing but a bunch of red rags to wear. He only had a home because of government benefits or something.

The only unique thing about him was this weird tattoo-like birthmark… that kinda spanned his entire body and made him look like a creepy weirdo. That's how he's lived his whole life until this point, after all.

Though now he was going to school… the chances of him making any friends there were next to zero because of his outlook and attitude. Of course, he wasn't even going to try in the first place, he didn't want that kinda thing anyway.

He started to make his way home as he fantasized about cute school girls… it was all to hide away his anxiety deep down within, stirred by the fact that he actually had to go and integrate with society now...

Oh well. That was tomorrow Angra Mainyu's problem. For now, he made a beeline for the store… he hadn't fulfilled today's ramen quota yet, after all!


	3. That Escalated Quickly?

_Beep. Beep. BEEP. BEEP._

"Ah shit, I'm gonna be laaaate!"

He roared into the ceiling but then just sat there, staring upwards…

"Not that I have anything meaningful to be late for."

This is Angra Mainyu. He's a lazy sack of shit with nothing going on in his life.

The world's lamest Heroic Spirit laid down in his dirty worn bed as he returned to slumber contently, without a care in the world.

Like any other day-

**BANG!**

Thus the copypaste is broken, followed by the stern voice of a woman-

"The relocation agency is here."

The door was launched from its hinges, sent hurtling through the apartment before it landed on the Avenger that was trying to escape his fate via sleep. After a pause, he flung it off himself and groaned dejectedly.

"I wish I could forget…"

Before him was… a voluptuous kemonomimi in leather attire, a short-skirt topped off with a tight-fitting top that exposed her bountiful cleavage and a fashionable leather jacket. To be exact she was a kitsune, her fluffy tail swaying behind her idly… so fluffy.

"Morning~. I am your friendly neighborhood relocation officer. I will be your guide to Chaldea Academy for today."

"Please guide me to sweet nirvana."

He sure was guided towards something, as a roundhouse kick sent him crashing into a wall. A prickly flower this one was… but as she approached him, her tone changed in a way that made him think this flower was a bit of stinker.

"Aww, how cute~. You're one of  _those_  types… I sure do  _hate_  those types the most. Your only redeeming quality is that you probably squeal real nice. It makes me quiver just to consider it~..."

Angra was never much into sadists, but this… this changed a lot of things. His libido was very confused right now.

"However, I can't use you as a plaything. Yet. I have orders to follow for now. I am Tamamo Maya. I hate men who are full of themselves and the rest of the Tamamo Nine. Though, the former can always be fixed with a bit of discipline… now get up."

You would expect the crack of a whip from this sort… but not in this case. Instead, the rattling of  _CHAINS_  was heard. Somehow, Angra preferred the cliche of a whip…

"I said get up!"

She brandished the chains, swinging them in a circle before she thrust them towards the downed simpleton. Angra screamed out in fear as the chains thwacked him and rapidly wrapped around his whole body. Trapped in a cocoon of cold steel, he was hoisted onto her shoulder.

"You reek of poverty… you truly would've been a fine addition to my cavern. Oh well. Enjoy the ride~."

Before he could even respond, the walls of his bedroom were blown down by a single kick. What was with this lady's strength?! The streets of Chaldea City were spread out before her and Angra before she leaped out of the hole she made.

"Wait wait I'm afraid of HEIIIIIIIIII **AAAAAAAIIIIII!** "

He wasn't really afraid of heights, but… anyone would be in this situation, as she recklessly jumped into thin air with nothing to land on. However, as if by Magecraft, she suddenly propelled upwards before landing on the opposite rooftop.

"Don't be such a baby, a fall from this height would only grievously wound you."

Thus the kitsune sadist started to dash across the rooftops. It was quite the bumpy ride… Angra resisted the urge to hurl as he was bounced around like a toy. He only resisted since he felt that this lady would painfully eviscerate him if he vomited on her…

It came into view after a few minutes of nauseating bumpiness. At the edge of the city, a towering building that extended high into the sky. He couldn't even see the summit of it… it looked more like a wizard's tower than anything.

At its base was a sprawling campus. This was the illustrious Chaldea Academy, the place where select prodigal individuals honed their talents. Angra felt the teensiest bit honored to have the opportunity to enroll here… just a tiny semblance of any such feelings, he still loathed the idea of education.

As he was brought closer, he could only wonder once again about all the great things to come at the price of academic attendance... you know how it is. Tight uniforms and windy mishaps, etc.

"Fufu… you're getting a little hot somewhere. Fantasizing about me in a skimpy outfit~? Or perhaps something more risque… how  _bold_."

She suddenly squeezed the chains, ejecting whatever lovely thoughts Angra was having straight out of his ears and replacing them with cold, unadulterated agony.

On second thought, this bitch could go fuck herself. Preferably in front of him… or get fucked by several people at once. Angra wasn't too picky about details-

_Squeeeeze._

" **ACK!**  OKAY OKAY, stop before you crush my precious everything!"

Eventually, the uncomfortable (and at times painful) venture came to an end. The chains were removed and Angra was dropped like trash in front of great golden gates. After wiping dirt from his eyes, he gazed up at it in unexpected awe…

"Get moving, you're already late for the enrolment."

A sharp kick nailed him in the keister as he was sent hurtling into those golden gates, forcing them apart as he crashed and tumbled through the courtyard within.

Just to add insult to injury, there was a set of stairs leading downwards after the courtyard… he started to roll down them uncontrollably, hitting every step on the way down.

… Oh, also the stairs were  _REALLY_  long.

… And oh so steep!

… And then he smashed through another set of gates that led into the TRUE campus.

Okay, that's enough. He landed face-first into the second courtyard… why was the Academy so oddly structured in its front gates? Who knows. Certainly not I.

He looked up as he spat dirt out, seeing the looming visual of that grand tower. He hoped they had an elevator, though that quickly became the last of his worries as he looked around and saw other people.

_"Who the hell is that?"_

_"I dunno… but his entrance was kinda funny."_

Murmuring commenced, as the hundred or so people around him began to immediately conjure up rumors. Not that Angra wasn't used to that, but this was escalating rather quickly-

"Good morning, everyone."

A female voice on a speaker echoed throughout the area, drawing attention to a raised podium on the opposite side of the courtyard. On top of it were two individuals… one of them being Merlin, which made Angra grimace. Especially when he smiled and waved at him like a twat.

The other person was interesting, to say the least. It was a girl of a rather short stature… well, Angra assumed it was a girl, but considering that she was the source of that greeting… she must've been one of the "youthful elder" types.

"I am vice-principal Helena Petrovna Blavatsky, it's a pleasure to meet you all! Welcome to Chaldea Academy, I hope you all excel in your studies in the name of Mahatma!"

She must've ingested an immortality elixir or something cause she seemed a tad young to be a vice-principal. Or she was just a really smart youth. As she finished speaking, Merlin stepped forward and claimed the whatever they were using to speak loudly.

"Principal Merlin speaking. We have a fresh batch of students eager… or well, mostly eager, to join our prestigious establishment. Of course, only a few of you may make the cut. It's so we don't have to spend more on accommodations~."

The perceived irresponsibility of the principal certainly caused little pockets of commotion in the gathered people… Though if this was something he had to contest against others for, maybe Angra didn't even need to worry about attending the school. He'd definitely lose against anyone he'd come up against.

That being said, he was kinda excited in some form by now. Perhaps the pain and trauma induced by the sadistic fox had distorted his earnest desires a bit… it certainly would be a bit of a stinker to just be sent home now.

In that case, this was actually kinda terrible, wasn't it?

"And so, we shall begin the enrolment trial… there are various Fou charms buried in the courtyard you stand in. Twenty in total, to be exact… you'd best start digging!"

A lull before the storm, as people processed what was just said. It took Angra a moment too, however… he was roused into action, along with many others, as a remarkably uppity-looking individual dressed in the finest of leopard-print suits raised their hand up and made a declaration:

"I, Gilgamesh, CEO of Urukorp, have had this charm in possession since my arrival here. You kept me waiting, principal. I shall not hold it against you, however. I will be claiming my place here as the first of the new generation."

Some people were gobsmacked, both by the fact that he had already passed the trial and that he was the freakin' CEO of the most powerful megacorporation in the world. Urukorp basically owned everything ever that exists in Chaldea City. Except for Angra's favorite brand of ramen, conveniently. Anyway, what the hell was he doing here attending this academy?!

More importantly, what was this trial? Was this a damn shounen or something? Angra barely qualified for anything, let alone the protagonist of that kinda story! In all fairness, it did beat having to do a written exam of some sort...

Merlin's voice rang on the speaker again in a cautionary tone.

"There are still eighteen left. You'd best work hard…"

That was most definitely directed at Angra. Speaking of which, another one was already found?! Panic welled up in his chest as things escalated to an all-time high for him. As his heartbeat accelerated, he looked around and saw everyone scrambling around, digging like no tomorrow… between the strong who could dig entire craters in mere seconds and the smart who successfully deduced the exact positions of each charm and the simply lucky who just so happened to claim them on the first try...

_How_  on earth was he meant to do this?!


	4. First Do No Charm

_Fifteen charms left…_

Angra was frantically pacing around, trying to find a patch of area people hadn't already searched in… to no avail. Every time he approached somewhere, he was shunned out of the way.

His pacing became running as he tried to use his  **A Rank Agility** … but it still wasn't enough! People were beating him at every hurdle. Oh to hell with it, he thought. How was he supposed to contend with people like these? They were all incredibly talented… the reason they were even selected for this process.

Angra was just here due to a debt he had to pay. And if he didn't win… well, that "agency" was gonna pay him a visit. Then again if he had known that his place in the elite academy hadn't even been guaranteed, he might've taken his chances with them…

Well, there were still twelve charms left. It was better than "all hope is lost". As he did a sharp U-turn, he suddenly collided with someone and fell to the ground with them…

As he recovered, things seemed to slow down... as something suddenly seized all of his senses-

 _Fluffy_.

It was a fluffy.

Must. Touch. The. Fluffy-

"WOOF?!"

**SMASH!**

A bit of life left Angra's body as he was suddenly haymakered into the ground by a furry mitt. Thankfully, adrenaline and plot armor allowed him to shrug it off… mostly. He was incredibly out of it from that pummelling as he could've sworn he could see that sadist fox-bitch in front of him…

Except she had cat ears? Wait, those were obviously fox ears. But she had… cat claws? Or fox claws? Why did a cat even come to mind? What in the world was this thing? Plus rather than a leather get-up, she was wearing a red oriental attire of sorts. Kinda sexy, since it exposed her thighs and chest a good deal. A cat is fine too, in that case. Angra slapped sense back into himself as he stared at the Tamamo look-a-like.

"Oh, meowzers. I did it again, but my tail is an inescapable paradise of demise! Looky but no touchy! Sometimes pet maybe, but no touchy!"

"But petting is touching…"

The cat-lady froze. The dial-up in her mind could be heard processing this new information.

"Petting… is touchy? Hoooo! It actually is, but a good kind of touchy! Cat has been enlightened! thank you, angry-looking man!"

Wait, why was he casually having a chat with this cat-fox-thing?! The trial was still underway. He brushed past her, skipping over a dug-out crater as he continued his search.

"Wait, pet the Cat please!"

He ignored the odd yet strangely tempting request as he finally found a patch of untouched ground. There wasn't really much left untouched by now, so his chances were high as he summoned his blades.

… Or so he thought. Wasting precious time by digging away awkwardly, it was apparent that there was no charm to be found here.

" _Eight remain._ "

Merlin's announcements weren't helping with the tension at all, as Angra broke into a cold sweat. There was barely anywhere to dig by now… but perhaps that meant he had to go deeper? Seems like others had the same idea… he must go deeper.

By this point, Angra figured he'd need to tap into his true nature and rely on some more… unorthodox tactics. Thus he summed up his options by looking around… options for a target. His eyes locked onto a purple-haired beauty. Man, she was tall… but she was wearing glasses. That meant she was probably a weakling. That was school bully logic, right?

He rushed to her as soon as he saw that she had managed to scrounge up a charm from the soil. How convenient for Angra! He charged full-speed, towards her from the side!

"Gimme that!"

"H-huh?!"

He smashed right into her, though she was remarkably sturdy for her slender frame… Angra was the one recoiling back as she managed to hold her ground. Her glasses dropped off, however. Grunting, he kipped himself up. As he did though, his eyes met hers…

"I-I apologize, but I-"

The romantic first encounter with the heroine?!

And then everything… stopped. Including Angra himself. He was aware of his surroundings, but absolutely everything was frozen in time… as if it were all petrified. He struggled, but it was to absolutely no avail. Had she used a time-stopping Magecraft on him or something?

Damn it, it was always the weak-looking ones… stuck as a prisoner of his own body and stupidity, Angra just waited… and waited, and waited. Was time even something affecting him right now? He couldn't even feel his body…

…

…

…

…

…

Come on damnit, wear off! Please say it wears off, he thought…

…

…

…

…

…

Finally, the author had hit his chapter-ly limit on ellipses. Angra's eyes widened as he was greeted by the sun in the open, clear sky. He rubbed his eyes and sat up. Chaos was still all around him. Did he pass out or something? He stood up, his body feeling shaky… just what on earth did that girl do to him?

" _Ah, there's the next one. Two remain._ "

**TWO?!**

He cursed out loud as he slammed his fists into the ground. It entirely conflicted with how he felt about being forced into this situation. Typically, Angra would be fine with losing and not attending this stupid place. He was a loser, he knew that best out of anyone else. However-

He didn't like losing. He just accepted it usually and let himself go with the flow. Never one to really oppose the fate that is defeat. For some reason, in this scenario, it just felt like a time where he could actually win for once. Even though he knew he was destined to be a loser for all eternity, even if it was futile, he just felt like he wanted this.

And that's why it frustrated him to be so close to losing the little of anything that was his everything.

" _One remains._ "

Don't give up. He told himself that once again as he clenched his fists and stood up. He removed the bandana around his head, the only thing he could really do to show that he meant business.

Well, he could've just ripped off all his clothes, but he would most likely get arrested. Just like last time.

As his resolve suddenly steeled itself in the face of utter defeat, a new hope rose from the masses of others who were in a similar state of grief like he was. Hope so grand that it was in all likelihood a trap.

A single individual stood there, garnering the attention of everyone. He had outrageously styled white hair and was wearing the clothes of a priest. He had bad news written all over him, headlined by a constant smile on his face. Unlike Merlin's goofy and annoying smile, this was one that seemed too pure to be true. Or perhaps it was just that pure, which made it all the more unsettling.

"I have the last charm in my possession. Anyone who thinks they have a chance to prevail over destiny… reach for your dreams and try to seize mine from me."

There was no hesitation. It was all or nothing. Angra was the first to lunge, even before the priest kid had finished his declaration. No weapons, just his bare fists poised as he aimed straight for that stupid smiling face of his-

"Too bad."

Angra's world suddenly flipped upside down as his momentum was suddenly turned against him. With a simple reversal technique, the priest kid countered and slammed Angra into the ground so hard that it splintered. His vision went hazy-

"Your dream was a flash-fire. It burned fiercely, enough to make me notice you. Yet it only lasted that instant. Thus, it is too bad."

This arrogant fuck. His words were infuriating. That tone, that smile, the fact that he was a fucking priest! Angra had always loathed the devout types. Unconditional loathing of the highest degree.

"Though, no one else seems to have dreams that burn like that. How saddening to say, but now it is truly over. God has decided my place is here, and that is how it will be. Goodbye, to those who failed to prevail over destiny."

The last charm had been claimed. It was over.


	5. Calculating Grief

Angra just lay there in a pool of his own bitterness over this defeat. There were many others that felt this way of course, but they each had talents that could be used elsewhere… this defeat wasn't as crushing for them. For someone with nothing but a likely end awaiting him, this was it for Angra Mainyu.

"The last charm has been retrieved. The trial is now over. The twenty that have succeeded, please approach the podium. Those who have failed… I wish you good luck in your future endeavors."

It was so gutwrenching to hear that. He felt like crying, but his tears had run out a long time ago. Or he had none to begin with, he couldn't remember. Some edgy reasoning. As others left in dejection, Angra chose to just lay there and ruminate over this ordeal.

Why care anyway? Nothing to lose, nothing to gain. So what if this "agency" would come end him? Might as well get wiped out, he was literally nothing. It would be a service to the world. There wasn't anyone willing to remember him either, so there would no pain left behind. Not even a void to fill, just… erasure.

Maybe this was how it should be after all…

"Woof?"

Maybe they will let him choose how to end it all. He wondered if they offered a really depressingly slow and painful option that would ferment the internal despair-

"Woof!"

As he was wondering, before being rudely interrupted, he wondered if they offered some form of excruciating torture that would make him-

"WOOF!"

"Ah jeez, I heard you the first time! Can't a guy get some privacy to wallow in his grief?!"

Angra yelled out and sat up, momentarily broken from his spiral of depression. The strange cat-fox-thing was stood before him.

"Looky looky, I got a fluffy thing!"

She held out a charm. Wow, even she managed to get one… and now she was rubbing it in. That was a nice solid blow to the self-esteem. Seriously. Angra could only guess on how low the IQ of this person was. Probably in the single digits... compared to his own likely double-digit IQ, he was probably a genius in comparison. After all, if she has a single digit IQ and Angra had a double-digit IQ, that is immediately a double-digit fraction higher than whatever her upper limits of intelligence may be. With enough surfing on the internet and development of self-entitled opinions, Angra might even be able to achieve a legendary three-digit rating on his IQ. By nothing but his own word. In that respect, if she were 9 (the highest of her class) and he was at least a 100, that is automatically at least 190% and 2/3s better than her. Why 2/3s? Well you see... (yes, this is continuing. We're going for broke)

Angra is about 66% more intellectuabamable on the matters of anything in existence thanks to his exposure to the internet and its many outlets. This is proven by the high-standard and quality of his shitposts on the online message board 5kun. Thanks to hours spent reading trivial and/or topical articles on Romanipedia, Angra is at least 42.7% sure that his own claims to being better mentally and intellectually are true. Why 42.7? Because 42 is the ultimate answer to absolutely everything in existence that matters, duh. 7 is a lucky number so he makes the ultimate answer to everything LUCKY. That drastically boosts his odds by 4/5s of a second tier percentile. All in all, Angra was fairly certain, with his final result of being at least 232% and 7/66s chance, that he was more qualified for this course than this cat-thing... in terms of pure intelligence at least.

Man, maybe he would've considered becoming a mathematician if he wasn't going to die. These certainly weren't the mad mental ramblings of a man on death's porch.

"It is fluffy, like fresh bread. Or a pillow. Made of fresh bread."

"Leave me alone…"

He sighed and rubbed his head. This stupid cat was giving him a headache… however, when he looked up again, a charm was thrust into his face.

"Take this!"

"Wait… huh?"

He took the fluffy little charm. It was literally a mini Fou attached to a string… how awful. This thing was really hideous and Angra hated holding onto it. But what did she mean by "take it"?

"But… aren't you trying to get in? You kinda need this to pass."

"Cat has one."

She pulled another charm out of her oh god her bosom was huge, now that he saw it up close. Ahem. She pulled another one out of her generous cleavage, dangling it about playfully.

Also, Angra's chances just dropped by 12%. Why 12%? Well, you see-

"Cat found the first one in some person's pocket while looking for a cat-food tin, but then Cat thought… how will Cat even find cat-food tins in people's pockets when they don't have a mortgage? But but! Then Cat thought very hard… how does Cat repay Angryman for the enlightenment of the good-touchy? And then Cat found another fluffy thing! So Angryman has a fluffy thing now too~."

She… was crazy. Absolutely insane, her words barely made sense. Yet, he understood them completely. He suddenly leaped up and embraced the cat-lady. She started to purr.

" **OH GOD THANK YOU**."

"Meowzers… Angryman is a warm person. Cat likes warm people~."

Realizing that he was actually hugging an actual girl, Angra awkwardly peeled himself off of her and rubbed his head while turning away.

Wow. What a typical reaction, you shut-in.

"A-ahem. Yeah, thanks and all."

"Woof!"

And thus, the only conclusion that makes sense for this trial comes to fruition.

What? Otherwise, this would've been quite a short story, hm?

After recovering a little and coming to terms with the situation, Angra made his way over to all the others with the Cat.

It was… intimidating, as all their stares locked onto him. He kept them waiting, but they were probably a bit surprised to see someone like him, of all people.

"Hmph. I see your standards lie around the bottom of the barrel for this academy… regardless, they are simply additional mongrels to blissfully ignore."

Gilgamesh, the golden prickiest of pricks that ever pricked. That title just suited him oh so well. What Angra lacked in creativity, he made up for in accuracy. He liked to think anyway.

"Oh, you made it… I apologize for earlier, my glasses came off so I did it without thinking."

The purple-haired tall girl with the time-stopping spell… although she seemed nice, that was a dick move regardless of it being a mistake or not. Quite scary, however. He made a note to passive-aggressively show his distaste for her from a long distance.

"You have managed to defy my expectations… now that is truly overcoming destiny. Let us be amiable competitors from here onwards, God wills it."

The priest kid extended his hand, though Angra wasn't having any of that as he simply walked past. The priest let out a gentle snicker in response. What a hateful guy… why is it always priests that are the unsettlingly annoying ones?

Additionally, the rest of the successful twenty were colorful and intimidating in their own rights as well… he was incredibly out of place. A scrap of junk amidst a collection of fine metals.

Merlin stepped forward from the podium and hovered down to greet them.

"Congratulations to all of you for passing that trial. Admittedly, I only came up with it this morning… so thanks for dealing with it so well~."

How irresponsible, but no one was really surprised at this point. Merlin was just that kind of figure. Helena followed him down by floating on a remarkably large tome.

"Mahatma is proud of you all! Now, we will bring out the House Captains."

Curiosity settled into the enrolled students, with the time-stopping girl posing the question on most of their minds.

"House Captains?"

"Indeed! Here in Chaldea Academy, classes are sorted into one of four Houses. Kind of like that one famous novel series… anyway! Each one is governed by a Captain, an elected Third Year student that represents the House."

The doors at the base of the tower that was ahead opened up… and a quartet of individuals strode out into the courtyard. They had that aura about them… an aura of power that felt tense to even be remotely near. For Angra, at least. The only one that didn't seem impressed at all was Gilgamesh.

"Interesting… I shall evaluate your academic system, based on how much each House is willing to do to acquire the most prestigious asset that is I."

Prick. Why was a CEO enrolling as a First Year student anyway? Regardless, everyone went silent as the four Captains approached… before they stopped before the group of freshmen, each of them surveying their new potential members. Helena hovered forward and made a welcoming gesture.

"Now I introduce you to… the Four Heavenly Kings of Chaldea Academy!"

What was with that sudden title change?!


	6. Much Characters! Such Many Introductions!

Merlin cleared his throat and raised his finger.

"The Four Heavenly Kings of Chaldea Academy will now introduce themselves. There's going to be a fair few character introductions now, so do try to keep track. Yes, I'm talking to you. Who else would I be talking to?"

As far as everyone else was concerned, Merlin was talking to himself again. Weirdo.

Anyway… the first captain was the chiseled model of a grade A asshole who excelled at everything. Casualized uniform, spiked up green hair, athletic body, and a cocksure grin to tie it all up.

"Yo, I'm Achilles. I'm the Captain of the best House, Hydra. If you say "Hail Hydra", we'll beat you up without exception."

The second captain was a stunning beauty with flowing golden hair tied in a braid. She had the most reserved attire at all, though nothing would be able to hide the ample bosom she was endowed with.

"Greetings, my name is Jeanne D'Arc. I am the Captain of House Vouivre. It would be a pleasure to have any of you in our ranks."

The third captain was a dazzling beauty, chocolate hair flowing and garnet-like eyes looking down at the newbies. Her figure was dotted with the finest jewellery and her uniform was customized to look as divinely elegant as possible, sparkling with prestige.

"Of course it is I! The Goddess of Beauty and she who governs success! I am Ishtar, the Captain of Sirrush… the House with the most accolades of all Houses. We have won academic contests and headlined festivals for many years. We are clearly the most successful House."

Wink-wink. She was winking repeatedly towards the golden prick. It was almost as if she was trying to be subtle, but only in a way that was subtle towards him and overly imperious to everyone else.

Gilgamesh eyed her silently… before he seemed to make a decision for himself.

"House Hydra seems like the most logical choice for me."

"H-huh?"

Ishtar almost tripped over herself as Gilgamesh went to convene with Achilles. What a spectacle to behold.

Oh, and the fourth captain. Dazzling in a… whole different way. Outrageously tall, outrageously muscular, outrageously…

GOLDEN.

"Whassup?! I'm the Cap'n of Dahag, name's Kintoki. You can just call me GOLDEN. That's GOLDEN with a G, cause it's certified."

What else would "golden" be spelled with anyway? Zany was certainly a correct term to use for these individuals. Diverse was another. Despite each of their looks, each one of them was elected as Captains for a reason… the elites of the elite. Their presence alone was proof enough that despite their appearances and demeanors, they were serious business.

Angra felt sufficiently established in his place in society as he watched Merlin approach the four captains.

"Alrighty, folks. Go ahead and make your claims… try not to pull any of them apart like last time."

Let's ignore that comment. The four captains each smiled in ways that complemented each of them as they set their sights on the students. Achilles and Ishtar were immediately in there, already being quite aware of who they desired in their ranks.

… But wait, what happens if no one wanted certain students? Namely, Angra was worrying over his own worth now.

"Well, you see… if you really are that unspectacular, we will just have the Captains pick someone else out from those who failed."

Merlin's input here was highly unnecessary. After shooing him off, Angra focused his attention on the four captains… Jeanne was getting friendly with a couple people, Ishtar and Achilles seemed to be having a contest of sorts. Kintoki was just watching it all unfold, but he seemed to have his sights settled on a few…

No one was looking at Angra. This was no surprise to him, but damn it was uncomfortable.

Ishtar and Achilles were debating over which of their Houses that Gilgamesh was going to join… it must've been nice to have the Captains arguing over you.

"Sirrush is the only place Gilgamesh belongs in! Come on, it was practically made for him. Even the author thinks so!"

Not true.

"He said himself he was interested in Hydra. You cannot deny his own decision."

"Yes I can! We're Captains, what we say is authority here!"

Gilgamesh was remaining collected amidst this, though he glared towards Ishtar as she uttered that sentence. That seemed to shut her up a little bit as she lost that vim she just had. Like the world's most wimpy and cornered pomeranian.

"You dare to declare authority over me, wench? How bold, you seem to seek a new source of emotional agony in your life."

"I-I didn't mean… I mean, yeah! What I say goes here, so you're coming with me. Got it?!"

"Your words bear no weight against me."

He turned to Achilles.

"That moment of hesitation did not occur. I shall honor your ranks with my presence, hero of the gods. I shall bring Hydra absolute victory."

"Hahah! Score one for Hydra. Better luck next time, Sirrush."

Seems like the matter had been settled, as the self-proclaimed goddess stomped away in a grump. Still, she had quite a lot of people with her… one of them was the purple-haired girl. She must be hella talented to be considered for that.

The priest-kid seemed to have joined Vouivre. The religious types stuck together, it seems… though it didn't seem like he and Jeanne got along very well. Not that Angra cared. Who would get along with that kid anyway?

Jeanne looked over towards Angra… and suddenly approached him. Wait, was this the moment of truth? Was he being considered?

"Hello there! You seem a bit left out… why not come join us? I think Vouivre might be a nice House for you. It's always a joy to welcome new members to our little family."

Soft-spoken and earnest, as expected of a saint. Angra knew that she was a holy woman of some sort, and could see why. Though… that kinda sickened him to an extent as well. Even though he was basically being offered a place, it didn't really feel right. Beggars can't be choosers, but…

"Meowzers… Cat is contemplating…"

Wait a fucking minute, she was talking to Cat. She had completely ignored Angra's presence.

Ah, a holy bitch! Angra was enlightened now, truly! With God as his witness, this was a holy hoe!

"Hmm… nah."

"O-oh?"

Jeanne blinked in surprise, tilting her head. That was that… Cat had nothing else to say. Jeanne sighed a little and smiled. It was a little nauseating... did she really need to smile after everything she did?

"Very well, I shall respect your decision. I hope one of the other Houses treats you well."

She left the two of them, and Angra could only look over questioningly at the Cat in the wake of her unusual decision.

"Cat doesn't like her smell, it is like bad wine and a wet dog. It makes Cat cough up furballs. Angryman doesn't like them either, so they must be bad!"

How did she know that? It was possibly just an assumption, but still… this Cat was either deceptively perceptive or deceptively stupid. Or a chaotic mix of both. Her IQ might just be double-digits… just about.

"Cat wonders though… what are they doing? Why are they gathering people like that? Is this a cat-nip party?"

She answered Jeanne without even knowing what was going on?! She was actually an idiot. Literally ZERO IQ.

…

Soon, the selections came to a close. The Captains left, as did Helena. The only three left out in the courtyard were Angra, Cat, and Merlin. What a depressing result… Merlin scratched his head and laughed awkwardly.

"Well, then… I could understand about you, but you dragged that poor girl down with you?"

"Shut up, Pooflord McGee. You dragged me into this, and look what happened… what did you even expect from me? You could lay me on someone's porch and set me alight, and they'd think someone put a burning doggy scat-pie on their terrace."

"I expected a little more than this… no matter, the deal is still in effect, so this isn't an entirely dreadful conclusion."

Angra wasn't sure what he meant like that. Wasn't this as done and dusted as it could've been? No one had picked him… so he would be sent home-

_Lift!_

"Hrk!?"

"Woof?!"

Suddenly, something seized both Angra and Cat by the collars and hoisted them up effortlessly… Angra was about to fight back as uselessly as possible, thinking that the agency had already come for him. However…

A thick puff of cigarette smoke wafted over them, causing the two of them to gag. Huh… "Dragon Smoke" brand? Not a bad at all. Respectful taste.

"Whoops, almost forgot these two. I'll be taking 'em now, boss."

"I was wondering where you went off to, Kintoki. Thanks… and please just call me Merlin."

"Alright, boss!"

The massive GOLDEN man had picked the two of them up. He almost forgot about them?! Wait, that meant…

"Welcome to the E-Rank league, boy-thing and cat! Time for a GOLDEN introduction sequence!"

E… Rank league?


	7. More Like E+

_On the outskirts of the Chaldea Academy campus..._

"Why are we miles away from the campus?"

"Oi, oi. It's not that far. We're still in the campus!"

In the campus? They could barely see the rest of the buildings from here, from beyond a long expanse of forest… he didn't expect the vast forest to also be part of the campus. Yes, that forest has always been there.

They were in front of a typical old school building that looked like it had been overlooked by safety inspectors for years. To think there was a place like this in the prestigious academy…

Cat sniffed the air and started to drool.

"Cat… smells food!"

At the blow of a silent whistle, she suddenly bolted through the opened front doors like an untrained pet. Welp, that's one way to decrease the current party size. Kintoki simply laughed loudly as he led the bewildered Angra into the shabby structure that was their "base".

"What's with this anyway? I thought we'd be in some posh classrooms or something…"

"Nah, the other Houses get that flashy stuff. We do things a bit differently in Dahag."

"So… you're the bottom of the food chain, the ones that everyone projects their power onto to make themselves feel more successful and entitled to all the good things in life?"

"A-ah… well, when ya put it like that… that's pretty fucking cynical, ain't gonna lie. You're a bit of a stinker, aren't ya?"

"I've seen this before, I watched Assassination Classroom and all. And yes, I am. Deal with it."

"Haha, we got a couple peeps like that. You'll fit right in."

"Oh, wonderful…"

Contrary to popular belief, misery does not love company. Not in this particular case anyway. Angra loathed the idea of having to hang around people like himself… Even he was just about enough for himself.

They walked through a rundown corridor that most likely hadn't been cleaned for a good long while... at least it reminded Angra of home, somewhat. It even had the same kind of mysterious stains that no one questions because of the horrible truths involved. Yes, even in Angra's own home, there are some messes that cannot be explained via human logic. Perhaps by some foreign logic instead.

He was escorted to the entrance to what was presumably the "homeroom". On the front it had a sign that said "D-1". It was sufficiently lop-sided to complement the overall feel of the Dahag building.

The door was thrust open and Angra was greeted with a near-enough empty classroom. It was actually impressive that, aside from the fact that the building seemed half-way derelict, it pretty much had the proper layout of a classroom. However, there wasn't really anyone in the room right now…

"Oh man, everyone is out doing their own thing again… well, that's how we usually do things so it's no wonder. The layout's intact too, means they haven't even been in today."

"Wait, do you even have classes?"

"Yeah, though ya don't have to attend. No one really does except a few peeps. The higher-ups don't care much about what we do cause we're the lowest-ranked House of all, so it's pretty much a "you take away what you put in" kinda deal. That's the status quo in the E-Rank League."

This was the greatest House, bar none. E-Rank fit Angra to a tee too.

He couldn't help but grin like a deviant at the prospects of this House. Even if this was pretty much the bottom of the barrel… life here seemed pretty good. The responsibilities seemed non-existent and he could relate to the overall theme of the place. Not bad at all.

It also meant that all the other students here were gonna be "E-Rank" as well. Perhaps he was going to find other losers to mess around with. Perhaps he could become the king of the losers. That's a title he could be proud of.

"I would show ya around, but I figure that'd be pretty boring for ya so I'll just give ya the basic detz. This is the homeroom, turn up at least once a day so we know you ain't playing hooky somewhere and you're good to go. 'Side from that, do whatever ya like during your time here s'long as it's in school boundaries."

"What happens if I leave school boundaries then? Do I get detention?"

"Nah, you get blasted by lasers. Ain't that obvious?"

"Oh… duh. I guess."

Cause that was the normal assumption to make in this kinda world, no? Sometimes Angra felt like the normal one around here…

"So what exactly does the Captain do? Aside from act as the rep and all."

"Uhhh. Bailing you guys out whenever ya fuck up and giving ya news? Stuff like that. Making sure everything stays GOLDEN. Y'know, typical stuff. So don't worry, ya one of us now. If ya get in trouble, we… well, we'll do our best to get ya outta it! That's a GOLDEN guarantee."

Knowing Angra's potential mischievousness… Kintoki may very well regret those words at some point. For now, it was reassuring to hear that. Having someone to back you up… not something Angra could say he's had before.

That meant people that could take the blame for Angra whenever he did something deviant. How handy.

With that brief introduction finished, Kintoki took his leave and left Angra in the classroom. And so he stood there… he had all the freedom to do what he liked now, but he was actually at a loss on what exactly to do. Perhaps the tour wasn't such a bad idea…

Cute girls weren't anywhere to be seen… well, they were probably somewhere. But most of them seemed to be on the main campus. Maybe during recesses, when students from all Houses convened, he would be able to witness them…

That reminded him. Cat went off somewhere, so he decided to go look for her. She was the closest thing to a friend he had in this place so far, so it seemed like a sensible course of action.

Not that he needed friends, but having a few allies never hurt anyone.

Where in the world did she go though? She said she smelled food and ran off, but Angra couldn't smell anything… maybe her nose was wired towards that kinda thing.

As he started to leave the room, however… a chair screeched, having been moved. He turned around… there was no one there.

So the place was haunted too? Ghosts didn't scare Angra anyway, though it didn't seem like that at all. He felt like he was being watched without a doubt, but there was clearly no one there… he didn't feel anyone there either. It was as if someone was concealing their presence and were watching him intently.

I really can't be any less subtle about this.

Being the dense protagonist that really makes the story, Angra just left it at that and exited the room.

He tried some of the other doors in the corridor. They were labelled up as typical things, like the janitor's closet, home economics room, music room, art room… he even found the computer room.

However, all the doors were locked. What a nice warm reception this was… he found the faculty office too, though like the others it was fastened shut. Did anyone really use this building at all?

He found stairs that led to the second floor, but it was much of the same… some of the floorboards were a tad unstable, one even giving away under his step. He felt like he might even die in this building if he wasn't careful…

After all that wandering, he came to the last room… it didn't have a placard on the front, just "Tea Room" etched into it by something. And… was that a bullet hole next to it? It was too high for him to peer through, but that was slightly unsettling. He gave it a try…

Still locked. For fuck sake.

"Why is every door fucking locked in this place?!"

For the hell of it, he tried the door again and pushed his weight into it… as one would expect, the door actually gave way and was actually not locked at all. He blinked as he went hurtling through thanks to the momentum.

He smacked down onto the floorboards and groaned a little…

**BANG!**

A deafening sound caused him to clutch his ears, and then he looked at the floor in front of him… a smoldering hole.

"Oh FUCK!"

He recoiled and scrambled back against the wall before he looked up and saw-

A rather short girl, beautiful in features with long dark hair… but her expression was menacing, demonic even, and she was wearing some military-esque hat with a garish golden star on it. Oh, and she was clutching a fucking matchlock in her hand.

What the fuck was E-Rank about her?!

"You're damn right "Oh FUCK!". Who does this primate think he is, barging in like an imbecile and disturbing my morning chillax sesh?!"


	8. D3M0NK1NG

_Inside the Dahag "Tea Room"..._

"W-well… I was wondering why all the doors were locked in the place and got pissed off. Blame the building!"

"Hooo? Nowhere is locked in this building. It simply requires a flick of the wrist and a touch of brute force. Yet you threw all your weight and just about opened this one… what are you, a weakling?"

She suddenly got closer and kneeled down beside him, giving him a closer inspection… a little bit too close for comfort. While Angra certainly didn't mind a girl saddling up this near to him, that matchlock was conveniently pointing towards somewhere precious.

He was undeniably a weakling.

"I haven't seen you around before. A newbie? You look like a beggar..."

And then she grinned, before slamming her hand against Angra's back which caused him to fly forward onto his face. Oh of course she had brutish strength as well.

"Hahahaha! You're so weak and raggy! I like you! What's your name?"

As Angra tried to get up, he bashed his head on the matchlock she was holding and grunted again in pain. He stood up properly and grumbled, rubbing his head. If that wasn't the worst way to make an impression on a girl, he may as well have been stark fucking naked as well by this point.

"Angra Mainyu. Yeah, I'm weak. Deal with it."

"Consider it dealt with, I needed livelier target practice in this House of deadbeats. I am Oda Nobunaga, Demon King of the Sixth Heaven! You may prostrate yourself before me!"

"No thanks."

"I could shoot you too."

"I am prostrating."

Angra reluctantly got down to his knees in the face of that primed firearm. Why on earth was she carrying that thing around? And more importantly…

Why was the master strategist that Angra knew as Nobunaga a cute girl?!

He had heard things about this Demon King on the forums. A juggernaut of the competitive gaming circuit that was a master of the compatibility game… countering just about anything that was thrown at them. They were part of a few prolific teams in the super popular video game series Watchover (yes, how original) and managed to consistently place in the top three of tournaments.

But to think it was a girl gamer all along? Angra truly felt he was in some kinda anime fever dream right now.

"... Alright, you can stop that now. It's kinda awkward."

She scratched her head and averted her gaze. Seems like she actually wasn't expecting him to lower himself for that long… whatever. He didn't realize he was down there for this long anyway. He stood up again and looked around the plain room, before asking the first question that came to mind.

"The hell is everyone anyway?"

"How should I know? I don't keep tabs on them, that's the Captain's duty."

"He didn't know either."

"Well that's just tough luck, isn't it?"

This was leading nowhere. He had found someone else in this place, at least. The layout of the room was certainly that of a tea room; rough tatami flooring, an old kotetsu in the center with a tea set on it… shelves that held books, comics and a TV were to the side as well. It was more of a chill-out place than a tea room.

There was also an exit out onto a small balcony that overlooked the central courtyard of the old school building. Not too shabby, in all respects.

"Well ain't this a corner of paradise in its own right."

"One I made, of course! This is the Nobu-Club's club room. Members access only… but I shall permit you access as a guest. For now."

If joining this club meant having access to this cozy little room, then maybe it was something Angra would work towards. Looking now, there wasn't game consoles or anything in here though… wasn't she a pro gamer? That seemed a little strange.

"No console or anything. Isn't that what you do?"

"Nah. Not really my kinda thing anymore."

Now that was a surprise, but maybe that was a reason for her being here. Not that it was Angra's business to pry into, so it was left at that. He decided to get back on track with his original objective.

"Seen a cat around here?"

"We have a cat?"

"Well, now you do. She kinda just ran in and I lost her."

"Hooo, interesting."

Her matchlock vanished into thin air as she took a comic book off the table and tossed it towards the shelf before heading to the door.

"Let's go."

"Huh?"

"I don't feel lazy anymore, so searching for a lost cat sounds like a more productive use of my time now. Onwards!"

"This is progressing way too fast for my liking."

This was progressing way too fast for his liking. Perhaps the author has a terrible sense of pacing. No way, right? Anyway, the two of them left the tea room for now. Angra mentioned that the Cat ran off when she smelled food.

"Oh, that makes it too easy then."

"Home economics by any chance?"

"Nah. Library."

"… Why-"

"We have all our rooms mislabelled to confuse potential invaders from the other Houses. If it works on us, then it works on them!"

"So… who's fallen for it? That isn't part of Dahag, I mean."

"… I dunno."

"Where's the real tea room then?"

"Ah, we never had one. So I made one. That's the only truthful room, as a relaxation zone should be!"

It made absolutely no sense for the rooms to be like this… even if people from the other Houses were dumb enough to make the long trek over here, they weren't going to be fooled by a simple switcheroo of all the signs. Whose dumb idea was that? He wouldn't be surprised if Kintoki decided that, but surely it wasn't Nobunaga…

"Isn't a great defensive tactic though? I came up with it myself."

Even geniuses have their bouts of absolute retardation. Though, Angra would probably forget the rooms anyway… so that made him the absolute of absolute retards. He guessed. Good job, Angra.

They crossed to the other side of the old school building and arrived at the door to a rather large room labelled as "library". Finally, Angra could catch a bit of a tasteful, meaty scent emanating from within. Cat must've sure detected that from far away.

Nobu kicked the door open and marched in without a care in the world.

"Demon King is entering, with a new vassal! Make way!"

"Who the fuck you calling a vassal?!"

Sure enough, the Cat was in here. She was perched on a counter like an actual cat, hungrily devouring a freshly grilled fish of some description.

Alongside her was a well-built, silver-haired man dressed in an apron and a bandana… a mildly unsettling fusion of intimidating man and housewife. He wasn't even in a uniform under those things, just some red mantle thing and a black bodysuit… was he a hitman? He seemed disgruntled by the loud entry.

"Oi… knock before you enter, didn't I say that before?"

"I did knock. With my foot."

"First this animal, now this… ho. Is that another rookie?"

"Yup!"

Nobunaga slapped Angra on the back again. He was never going to be used to that as he stumbled forward as usual. He clicked his tongue in annoyance and addressed the strange man. Oh, he was much taller than expected. Angra was fairly sure this might've been one of the "agency" goons that were set to revel in the execution which he had avoided. Probably.

"Yeah, Angra Mainyu. That's me… the weakling. I'll do my best to be a nuisance."

"Tch. Well, you fit right in here anyhow… I am John Doe, a Second Year student of Dahag. Nice to meet you."

That's not your real name at all you faker!

"Don't look at me like that. I don't actually have a name… so the idiots here just gave me one."

Nobu laughed heartily as she pranced about the library (which was actually clearly the home economics room by hey ho) and nabbed some of the ingredients John was working with. She sniffed the cabbage and threw it to the side in disgust before focusing on the pot of stewed meat in front of John.

"Whatya making John?"

"Hey! Don't barge in and start throwing my precious ingredients everywhere!"

"Who the hell likes cabbages when they're not stuffed anyway?!"

As the two started to bicker, Cat finished her fish (apparently the bones too) and hopped down before she walked over to Angra. She had drool stains around her mouth with the most satisfied expression ever seen. Now seemed like a good time for Angra to inquire, however…

"Cat is content with life~."

"Speaking of introductions, who are you actually? You're not about to tell me that your name is really Cat… right?"

"Mmh! It is I, Cat. Tamamo Cat!"

Ah, so she was Maya's sister or something along those lines. Explains why they looked so alike, but they were so…  _different._  That, and Cat really seemed to be her name after all. Anything was possible by now.

"And you are Angryman!"

"Yes… I am an angry man. Outwardly so on occasion. Always so within."

He couldn't really feel too irritated around Cat. Her madness was quite disarming to be around… hopefully she wasn't cunning like her sister was. If so, this facade was damn impressive.

Before any more conversation could take place, however, the door burst open-

"KNOCK DAMN IT!"

"JOHN! NOBU! IT'S AN  **EMERGENCY**!"

A pale girl with pinkish blonde hair suddenly burst in, though immediately after her entry she started to cough up gouts of crimson fluid. Angra could only act surprised by this turn of events. Nobu laughed… as if that was something that was laughter worthy? Okay, it was pretty damn funny. Angra laughed as well.

"Hah! Anything's an emergency for you, Gumi-girl. Did a spider crawl up your leg again?"

The one dubbed as "Gumi-girl" wiped her mouth and shook her head.

"First, that was a BIG spider. And second, this is a bigger emergency! Certainly no laughing matter! Something massive spawned in the woods again, and it's snagged some of the other newbies!"

Nobu and John's expressions suddenly turned serious as they looked at each other. Angra had no idea what was going on, as per usual… for some reason, the others looked to him. He blinked.

"Hey, if you're expecting the protagonist to actually show off his worth here… you might be losing a couple innocent lives. What's the Captain doing?"

"He's back at the tower for a meeting! He won't get back here for a while!"

Wasn't he just here a second ago? That guy sure got around quickly. Nobu sighed and conjured forth her matchlock.

"I suppose it can't be helped. Let's go. John, stay here and bake me a cake for my inevitable victory celebration. I'm gonna show the newbies how the Demon King works."

"You're one of the newbies as well though… whatever, I'll have some snacks prepared for your return. Healthy ones."

"Sorry, can't hear you over the sound of my burning vigor. Make it one with tons of icing!"

And with that, Nobu suddenly dashed straight out of the library. The only thing the rest of them could really do was follow after her. Though Angra was curious…

"You mentioned something massive, Gumi-girl. Do they always just appear in the forest like that? The hell is with this place?"

"H-hey, my name is Okita Souji, not Gumi-girl! Don't call me like  _she_ does, jeez. And it was a-  **GUAHK-** "

She suddenly collapsed as she coughed up a wad of blood, collapsing in on herself as she tumbled onto the ground. With a bloodstained hand, she reached forward in futility…

"G-go on… without me…"

"G-GUMI-GIIIIRL!"

"That's not my na-  **GUAH!** "

Why did things become so overly dramatic? Who knows. Being caught up in the mood of this dilemma, Angra reluctantly tore his eyes away from his fallen comrade and pushed on. The party's numbers reduced by one as the sickly Okita was left behind… forever.

"DON'T KILL ME OFF ALREADY-"


	9. It's A Spriggan To Me DAMNIT!

_In the forest, outside of the Dahag school building_ …

Wood creaked and snapped as something truly  _monstrous_ plodded its way through the forest. A hulking behemoth, seemingly composed of stone, trampled through the forest recklessly…

"Watch where you're stepping, big stone piggy! You're going to make me chip a nail!"

The shrill female voice was followed by a draconian tail swatting the monster on the head and it whimpered, now starting to plod along much more carefully. On its vine-wrapped stone shoulders were two people… riding on it like some beast of burden.

One was the owner of that draconian tail, a pink-haired girl that was dressed like an idol. The other was a ginger-haired fellow in a green mantle that looked quite disgruntled by this situation. Who wouldn't be with that source of irritable noise next to them?

"Liz… this is a bad idea."

"This thing tried to attack us, so I simply put the arrogant piggy in its place. This is punishment for trying to harm a precious idol such as myself."

"I was the one who weakened it with poison, you did nothing but scream! Still…"

It was a wonder that the monster was actually cowering before her. It was either impressively craven or impressively clever. No one should have to deal with this idol-wannabe on a daily basis.

"I'm pretty sure that sick girl from earlier thinks we've been kidnapped."

"An idol such as I being kidnapped? Preposterous. That's her own fault for underestimating me."

"That's not hard to do."

A path of trees had been cleared out, marking out a rough route for the would-be heroes to follow. Not that this monster was actually out to threaten anyone in its current state of affairs.

Thanks to the fact that this thing was about twenty fucking feet tall, it was simple for the protagonist's party to find it.

"The protagonist is also keeping his distance, well away from that damn thing."

… NOBU's heroic party, then. Though I suppose it's more of a power duo now. Cat only came along with the promise of food as a reward. Turns out she's great at following orders with that kinda premise.

The team of Cat and Nobu jumped in and obstructed the behemoth's path. The idol called Liz squealed as her mount came to a sudden halt. She stood up, tail raised behind angrily, as she started to stomp up and down.

"Nyeh?! I chipped a nail! Why did you stop?! Stupid pig!"

Nobu wielded matchlocks in both of her hands as she pointed one up towards the golem's head. The golem, quite frankly, felt a tad bit perplexed by this.

"You're in a bad place there, newbie. Get off the Spriggan or I might shoot one of your horns off by accident."

"Hold on a sec."

The protagonist suddenly made an intervention. Is he actually going to commit to some heroic acts?

" _That_ is a Spriggan? Aren't those meant to be like, tree things? I think you need to re-evaluate the sources of your monsters, cause that is not a fucking Spriggan. It's more like… like… uh, like a cyclops."

It doesn't even an eye! Cat, please.

"Woof."

The useless main character is taken off stage by the unusually strong Cat, carried underarm like simple luggage.

"H-hey! You can't just enforce your will on a character and remove me from the scene like that! I'm fairly sure that's a breach of the-"

While the fairies repair the mess that is now my fourth wall, let's see how this battle between the SPRIGGAN and Nobu goes. I don't make the rules, I just enforce them.

Liz groaned in annoyance and flared her tail up again as she stood on the Spriggan's shoulder.

"Leave me and this piggy alone! I found it first!"

"You're kinda wrecking the forest. You'll get our House in trouble. Well, more so than usual."

"This House is stupid anyway! Like you!"

"Hoooo! Shall I make some grilled lizard, eh?!"

**BANG!**

A blazing shot panged off of Liz's left horn and knocked her onto her butt. She blinked, and then screamed…

OH GOD SHE JUST SCREAMED.

The monster clutched its head in agony, dropping the column it had been using as a weapon. In doing so, it shook the screaming lizard off of itself as it started to berserk.

Actually, pretty much everyone had a bit of a moment of madness from that horrendous wail. Seriously, that shit will make you go deaf. Especially with ears as poor as those on Angra-

"WHAT?!"

Yup.

Landing on her backside again, Liz scrambled away from the distressed monster.

"Hyaaaah! R-Robin, save meee! … Robin? Wait, where did you go?! All I can see is a green-mantled stranger running off into the distance?!"

A fist slamming into the ground caused a shockwave that propelled Liz away from the monster. While this was a good thing for her, it did just so happen to launch her directly into our useless protagonist.

"Gaaah my ears… hey wait a sec I thought I was removed from the-  **OOF!** "

**Spriggan used Ballistic Blood Countess: Clamorous Cachtice Collision** **!**

Back to the important part, Nobu started to fire off several matchlocks at the Spriggan, chipping off parts of its stony hide. However, this just seemed to anger it further as it reclaimed its column and swung at her.

"You think a slow titan such as yourself can hit me like that? Wrong!"

Ingeniously using her matchlocks as a series of steps into the air, she hopped up and over the Spriggan's head. Each of the rifles fired off as she stepped off of them as well, hitting the beast with some glancing point-blank shots.

"The Demon King is a formidable fighter in her own right! Enough to warrant announcing herself in the third person! I shall bring about your defeat..."

She unleashed an arcing volley of shots into the Spriggan's back as she flew through the air before she landed behind it and summoned a battery of them behind herself.

"Without fail! Mwahahahaha! Eat a fraction of my power!"

**Nobu used Three Dozen Worlds: Half-a-Circle Formation!**

A concentrated blast fired off from all those rifles at once, the blazing red beam punching into the Spriggan's back and straight through the other side, causing stone shards to fly everywhere as it groaned in agony. Without a central mass to support itself, it simply crumbled into pieces and became one with the earth again.

"And that is how  **D3M0NK1NG** plays. Game over!"

Nobu laughed triumphantly over the remains of the Spriggan. Meanwhile, now that the cool part is over, I suppose we should focus back on the "main character".

When he came to, he was met with a pink and white striped expanse before him… now, this would've been possibly a glimpse of heaven if it weren't for the fact that a leathery dragon tail was repeatedly smashing his head in.

With a grunt, he shoved Liz off of himself and rubbed his head.

"Jeez, watch where you swing that thing! Or I'll cut it off and sell it on the black market to buy myself ALL the ramen!"

Liz yelped as she fell flat on her face… but her anger allowed her to recover quickly as she shot up and confronted Angra.

"How could you just sit on the sideline and watch a beautiful idol such as myself become subject to such torment?! Consider yourself lucky to have had the honor of softening my landing!"

"If I wanted a face full of lizard ass, I would've gone to the local exotic pet store. I'm pretty sure the specimens there would have finer asses that I could delicately smother against my shady cheeks than your skimpy, scaly derriere."

She gasped and clutched her backside as if those words had just given her a righteous spanking. Her face went beet red as this hooligan just spoke so freely about her body like that.

"H-h-h-how ruuuude! You can't speak to an idol like that!"

"Probably not. Good thing I'm talking to a pink piece of trash."

That meant the literal equivalent to fuck-all nothing, coming from  _HIM_  of all people. Not that Liz was much the wiser to that fact…

"Y-you're the trash, stupid pig! Stupid!"

The green-mantled stranger approached them, before throwing his hood back… oh, wait. Where did the stranger go? That ginger-haired guy from before just appeared in his place.

"Yo."

"R-Robin?! Where did you go? Why did you just leave me with that thing?"

"Oooh, whoops. Did I do that? I thought it wasn't really my problem since it was the monster  _you_ managed to conquer and all… I figured you had it all under control."

Liz started to weep a little at all this bullying as she curled up with her tail a little. Cat patted her on the back while Robin came up towards Angra.

"Don't worry. Picking on her like this is the only way to make sure she doesn't get outta hand."

"I wasn't worrying. I was enjoying myself."

"... Well aren't you just a cunt?"

"The most craven and deplorable of all."

"Noted. I'm Robin Hood, if it's any consolation. The girl is Elizabeth."

"Angra Mainyu. Feel free to forget it at any time."

This Robin guy seemed relatively chill, despite the exasperated sigh he gave when he figured out how much of an asshole Angra was. The kinda guy Angra could probably get along with without much problem. Quite the rarity. And by getting along, he meant being able to torment him without much in the ways of violent retaliation. Those kinda guys were great!

"Hey! This is meant to be my victorious moment, yet I haven't even had a chance to speak until now!"

Oh yeah, Nobu beat the thing. Revelling in the success of the little rescue-turned-extermination mission, the group of Dahag newbies made their back to the old school building. There was a feast waiting for them!

…

A lurking shadow in a nearby tree watched them go, before vanishing at the snap of a branch.

_Foreshadowing intensifies._


	10. That Foreshadowing Though

_In the Dahag Building's "Library"..._

"Cheers!"

Nobu announced this as everyone clinked their glasses together. Glasses of apple juice, of course. John would never let students drink alcohol at school.

_Never._

As a reward for their successful mission, an array of sandwiches had been made by the strangely culinary-oriented John Doe. There were a variety of delicious fillings to choose from (and not to mention specially catered towards fulfilling your recommended daily intakes).

Being the first time Angra has had real food for what must've been years, he scoffed them into his mouth uncontrollably. Despite his bad manners, any cook would feel some semblance of pride at seeing someone so energetically eating their food, no matter how simple it was. Of course, despite his abstinence from delicious foods for so long, he was skilfully avoiding any that had any form of greenery inside of them. It ended up with him just hogging all the ham and cheese sandwiches to himself.

Not that anyone else cared. Ham and cheese is so basic that it's hard to care.

John started to do the washing up (with the help of… Cat?) as he questioned them about the recent ordeal.

"So a Spriggan showed up. That's the third one in the last year. Thankfully seems like it went down easily."

Nobu chuckled as she finished her juice while kicking back in her seat, feet on the table.

"Of course! It was Saber-class after all. Took it out without any problems."

"Ah, so that's why Elizabeth was having a hard time…"

"S-shut up. I had it under control until you idiots showed up…"

Liz retorted as she meekly nibbled on the smallest slice of sandwich. There was a question on Angra's mind, however, as she swallowed down his food…

"Hey, what happened to Okita anyway?"

Okita is fucking dead.

"I can't believe Okita is fucking dead…"

John raised an eyebrow as he scrubbed a plate.

"I saw her lying in the hallway, so I took her to the infirmary. She's recovering right now."

Learn to run with a joke, faker. Okay, now for the ACTUAL important question on Angra's mind:

"So what's for dessert-"

_The other one._

"… 'Kay. What's the deal with those monsters anyway? If that's the third CYCLOPS that's cropped up, then maaaaybe you have a pest problem."

The expert sandwich chef and dish-scrubbing extraordinaire has decided he's going to be our encyclopedia for "what the fuck is going on" currently.

"The  _Spriggan_  is one of a variety of monsters that seems to just appear in uninhabited areas. Kinda like the spawning behaviors of random enemies you encounter in a video game. The reason it hasn't been addressed is because no one can figure out the cause of it. Well, we think Merlin knows something... but you know how he is."

"Oh, yeah. I guess that mystery ain't ever being solved."

"Plus it's primarily Dahag's issue so no other House really cares. They do spawn elsewhere though, like in abandoned buildings and other places in general that don't see a lot of human traffic."

"Okay, that's enough exposition. Thanks, Papa John."

"Why the hell are you calling me "Papa"?! And that's a trademark, you'll get us sued!"

"The one who sues this sorry-ass excuse for a fanfic is the stupid one."

After the food had been eaten and the background fluff had been exposited, everyone split up. Cat was staying in the "library" to help with cleaning since she apparently had an affinity for it… despite being a Cat. Nobu went to visit Okita in wherever the real infirmary was, while Liz went off to wherever the real music room was. How confusing!

Good thing we're only following these two rascals.

"Why am I stuck with you now?"

The personification of humanity's failures and the gingersnap green man.

"Because everyone else left."

"Shouldn't you be hanging out with your girlfriend?"

"Hah? You actually think that? I'm not dumb, and I don't have a death wish."

"That was a more sensible answer than I expected… she must give you a rough time."

"I only got stuck taking care of her cause of some… well, that's not important. You're the latest newbie to come in so I feel I should probably give you a proper tour."

"Aren't you a newbie as well?"

"Yeah, but we come in waves. I was in the first wave that was a couple weeks ago, so I know my way around. You're the most recent one, and we'll have one more fairly soon."

To cut another tedious bout of exposition short, the Academy took in three waves of new students in each year, each one having two weeks between each other. The reason for this strange enrolment scheme is unknown, and most people blame Merlin's whimsical nature for it.

Robin ended up showing Angra the rest of the schoolhouse in-depth. The only rooms that were actually as they were labeled were the homeroom and Nobu's clubroom. Speaking of which, there was only one classroom labeled as "1-D". There were no A to C classrooms, not here anyway. Angra questioned this awkward as fuck layout and ended up blaming it on author ineptitude.

He'd be pretty much correct.

Aside from that, the rooms were mixed up as follows: the "infirmary" was actually the computer room, "home economics lab" was actually the storage closet, "computer room" was actually the music room, "music room" was actually the home economics lab, "art room" was actually the infirmary, "male toilets" were actually the attic, "female toilets" were actually the art room, "Abandon all ye hope, ye who enters here" was actually the male toilets, "the REAL female toilets" were the female toilets, the "blood sacrifice" room was actually the library and the "abandoned classroom" was actually the vault.

Not that anyone is even going to remember any of that. Unless you're a smartass and copypaste this somewhere for safe-keeping. In which case, the joke's on me.

"You do know I won't remember any of this."

"That's fine. They seem to change around anyway."

Wait, they change around? On their own? If someone isn't responsible for that, then why isn't that under investigation or something? Well, that means the jokes on you now! Anyway, that is some seriously paranormal shit right there. At least, that's what Angra thought. Maybe he was overthinking it though.

They continued along the rickety corridor, seemingly alone…

_Crack…_

"Okay, who the fuck is that?!"

Angra swiveled around in reaction to the cracking of an old floorboard. Robin looked back then at Angra like he was a madman or something.

"The heck's wrong with you?"

"No, listen. Ever since I got here, it's like a ghost has been following me. Don't think I didn't notice that little excerpt at the end of the last chapter. I ain't scared, I'm just really pissed off that you're stalking me, whoever you are! So show yourself and tell me why you're doing it!"

"So… you're scared?"

"I'm fucking  **NOT.**  I just don't like sneaky people that aren't me. 'Cause the more sneaky people there are, the less sneaky overall we become! It's like when you put too much sauce into a good ol' pot of ramen. Soon the broth just becomes too thick and the overall experience just becomes overall worse."

"I don't really think a comparison between ramen and sneaky people is-"

Suddenly, a smoke bomb went off between them. The thick smog caused them to cough and hack uncontrollably.

Once it cleared, there was a person before them… they were in grey ninja garb, which emphasized his bright fucking red hair nicely. It even covered his eyes… who the fuck was this chunni-ass chump?

"You did well to see through my Presence Concealment. However, now that I have revealed myself, I must test your mettle."

"Wait wait, why have you been stalking-"

Kunai flew past Angra and Robin's heads as caltrops scattered all over the corridor floor to surround them. The redhead shinobi performed an expert series of hand gestures so quick that his hands were mere blurs before Angra's untrained eyes.

"You wonder why I monitored you in hiding up until this point?"

"Yeah."

He bounced into the air, suddenly standing upside down on the ceiling as smoke surrounded Robin and Angra to hide the caltrops, forcing them to go back to back. Robin sighed.

"Why me too?"

"You wonder why I am now threatening your lives?"

This whole schtick was provoking Angra, as he gritted his teeth and summoned his blades. He wasn't good at it, but if it was a fight that he wanted… well, he'd at least try to scratch them in a really inconvenient area! Like the armpit.

The shinobi vanished from the ceiling, the only sign of his presence there now being his voice.

"You wonder why I can do all these amazing, awe-inspiring, reality-defying miracles?"

"Oh for fuck's sake… is it cause you're-"

Suddenly, a rush of wind blasted between them. Angra and Robin could only look at each other… before they were each blown back, away and into opposing walls of the corridor as they became lost in the smoke. The redhead ninja stood up in the clearing they were once in before he ran a hand through his hair in the most typically aloof fashion.

"It's cause I'm a  _ **fucking**_ ninja."


	11. Some Shinobi Shenanigans

"It's cause I'm a  _ **fucking**_ ninja."

You don't need to repeat it! We get it, he's a ninja. He does ninja things. He does the N*rutos everywhere and wants to become the h*kage of the Hollywood Village. We get it.

Angra got up, finding a couple caltrops lodged in his body rather painfully as he arduously pried them out. That stung like a bitch… this guy was gonna get both tonfa-shivs! Yeah, that's a cool new name for his crappy weapons that could barely cut paper.

"I'm gonna mess you up so bad when I get my hands on you… oi, Robin! Let's take him down!"

No answer. Unbeknownst to our protagonist, Robin had vanished and was now replaced with a conveniently placed stranger in a suspicious green mantle, that was currently absconding from the shinobi shenanigans. Oh hey look, a chapter title.

He assumed that Robin had fucked off or had fallen victim to the traps. Or both. If both, good riddance. If not, good riddance. It would've just meant that he had one more ass to bail out if things went south. That also meant that if he got away and Robin didn't, Angra would be held accountable for that casualty. Lone wolf style was truly the way to go.

That being said, the lack of a decoy/meat-shield was quite disappointing to Angra's overall strategy.

The smoke cleared, but the ninja was nowhere to be seen. Angra decided to just start clearing a bit of an area by awkwardly kicking caltrops away.

No wait, that was the dumbest idea he's ever had. He's fucking BAREFOOTED. When had he even been able to afford any kind of footwear? What the hell was he thinking?! He yelled in pain as he rolled on the floor clutching his foot… and rolled into more caltrops. Jeez, what a fucking travesty. Our protagonist, ladies and gentlemen, has become a caltrop hedgehog rolling around at the speed of profound.

Anyway, after that tomfoolery… he repeated the whole process again. This actually earnest display of stupidity was enough to lower the ninja's guard as he emerged from his expertly positioned wall disguise, peeling the wallpaper off of himself and just observing Angra's misfortune. There were no words that could describe the combined confusion and discouragement that the eager ninja felt right now.

"… This is highly inappropriate for what I was going for."

"GET THESE DAMN CALTROPS OFF OF ME!"

You couldn't help but feel a little bit bad… nah, this was fucking hilarious. Though the ninja felt a little bit bad cause he's a chuuni-ass chump that pretended to have no feelings except epic ones when he actually had all the feelings. After a few more minutes of thrashing around, Angra finally gave up the will to fight back and allowed the shinobi to pull those suckers out.

_Pluck._

Man, there were a lot of them.

_Pluck._

Like, so many caltrops. So many that you could build an entire caltrop village out of it. Call it Caltropolis and we can call it a day.

_Pluck._

"Why the fuck are these caltrops sticky anyway? I thought they were just meant to be a one-off deal of agony, not a monthly subscription of "fuck-you" with a side of "especially your ass"."

"I coat them in adhesive, which is also toxic. Prolonged agony of my foes is the intended effect but…"

_Pluck._

"Oh goodie. I don't need no antidotes cause toxins don't affect me. I'm filthy enough inside already. They just put me through unimaginable bouts of pain."

_Pluck._

"Speaking of which-  **AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH GOD IT BURNS!** "

Angra curled up into a pathetic ball as he shuddered and writhed from all the pain coursing through his body. Sometimes he wishes the toxins would just kill him. Whoever came up with this idea for his character needed a kick in the shin. The ninja simply sighed and pulled something out the wall… is that a fucking camcorder?

"I was trying to shoot an action sequence for my project… the dark, epic and action-packed battles of "Demon of the Blood Moon". Part 7, "Lying in Wait, I Am One With The Shadow and One With My Inner Fire".

"First of all, title is way too long. Just make it "Part 7, Shadows and Fire". Secondly,  **NGGGGAAAAAAHHHHHG FUCKFUCKFUCK!** "

"Hm… I suppose you're right. I don't want to spoil too much in the title. I shall take your feedback into great consideration. By the way, I am Fuuma Kotarou, and I'm a-"

What a lovely,  _concise_ introduction that hasn't been cut down in any form to prevent a recurring joke getting too old. Anyway, moving swiftly onward, it seems that Angra is out of commission for a bit. A long bit. The longest of bits.

In fact, we can skip to the end of the day now cause he's pretty fucked. It is now that the readers are reminded that we've had several chapters on the same day. It's time to finally make some chronological progression. The silent round of applause is deafening.

Upon recovery, it was home time. What a counter-productively eventful start to the academic life for Angra. He managed to find himself kidnapped by a psycho-sadistic fox lady, pummelled into the floor by a cat, stun-locked by a megane-bitch, mocked by a pansy priest prick, ALMOST shot in the face, witnessed the murder of an innocent SPRIGGAN, got a faceful of loli-lizard ass and lastly incapacitated by chuuni-chode fucker's toxic traps.

In all honesty, could've been worse. He could've been eternally sleeping down on the riverbed, in his snug pair of concrete slippers. Not that the "agency" was a mafia or anything, but it was all the same to him.

He found himself saddled with Nobu, Robin, and Cat for the journey home… speaking of which, where was home exactly? His old place was pretty much destroyed. Robin seemed to have the answer as they exited out the school gates.

"Accommodations are nearby, off of campus. I think you'll have a room assigned to you in Dahag's quarter."

It seemed like each of the Houses had separate accommodation quarters just outside the academy grounds. The walk away from the school was pretty typical as far as anime scenery goes. A road that went along a sloped riverbank, with a bridge at the end of it that crossed into the main city.

Such details had eluded Angra until now since y'know… he was kinda focused on other things in the midst of his abduction. Thankfully he didn't have to go all the way back to the city since the quarters were on this side of the bridge.

After a few minutes of walking, they came to the first quarter… or seemed to. The fact was that it was so big and magnificent that they saw it from a fair distance away already, and it became that much grander as they approached it.

Yeah, that must've been the Sirrush quarters. Massive, golden walls completely sealed it off from the world of peasants that surrounded it. The interior must've been an entire housing district in its own right. The place didn't have a gate. Instead, it had some kind of portal that needed a pass to be accessed, according to Robin. Any and all invasion plans of the present and future had been simultaneously put down by this immense display of security.

Next to it were similarly sized quarters, belonging to Hydra. Instead of golden walls of finery, these ones were marble walls of solidarity. They were just as huge and just as defensible, though they had a gate rather than a portal. However, that gate was also manned by fucking armored soldiers that each looked like a formidable Heroic Spirit. Each one was probably equal to twenty Angra Mainyus.

Nah. That'd be a bit too generous for Angra.

Speaking of which, these weren't really academic accommodations at all. They were more like housing districts from an MMO or something. The scale of them all was way too grand… wouldn't some people enrol in the academy just to live here? Angra definitely would.

The most normal quarters were next. A fenced off area filled with blocks of flats, the accommodations had some nice garden areas and even a little general store in the midst of it. Vouivre was the most ordinary-looking House out of them all, perhaps too much so. Angra is kinda glad he didn't get wrangled in with them.

And then was… a bunch of ordinary residences? Robin saw the confusion on Angra's face and explained:

"These are normal houses that belong to normal people."

"Okay I gathered that, but why? Shouldn't the Dahag quarters be next?"

"… You'll see when we get there."

And so they walked through this ordinary neighborhood… Angra's expectations weren't high to begin with but this was still a bit of a surprise. After venturing a couple blocks over from the other living quarters, they arrived at…

"… How did I not see that sooner?"

A tower-shaped apartment building. For some reason, it was quite the depressing sight to behold. Maybe because, in comparison to the finery of Sirrush and Hydra, it came off as a towering symbol of the corporate corruption and normalcy that most modern architects resign themselves to when designing such facilities in the current times…

Maybe Angra was looking too deeply and negatively into it. He was fucking great at that. Nobu skipped forward and jumped herself half-way up the stairs that led to the entrance before turning to them.

"It's called the Ogawa Complex. The landlord was nice enough to let Dahag use it as accommodation. It's a win-win!"

Wait… was the landlord lending accommodation? As in, they weren't part of the academic society? Were Dahag not entitled to their own-

Of course they weren't, now that Angra considered it. Knowing Merlin, they probably cut Dahag accommodation from the budget to save money. This was now entirely expected of this sorry excuse for a House. Still, an entire apartment block to themselves? It couldn't have been all that bad.

The only concerning thing right now was the prospect of the Cat having her own room. Right now, it seems like she was already having a turf war with the neighborhood black cat-

"Hiiissss! Cat is the biggest dog, Cat owns this yard now!"

A ballistic black cat missile was sent into the stratosphere by a well-aimed paw hammer. Rest in peace, featureless household feline. Your single sentence of relevance shall be remembered.

"OOOOWAAAAAAHHHHH!"

"Jeez Cat, keep it down."

Robin berated the unusual victory cry of the Cat as he coaxed her up the stairs with what seemed to be cat treats. Of course, it worked and she was soon bolting up them like no tomorrow. Angra made his way into the plain yet spacious lobby area. Nobu led the way to the stairwell, going straight past the elevators. They had a sign saying "Forever Out of Order".

… Huh.

"Don't try and take the elevators, ever. Robin learned the hard way."

"Let's not talk about that."

Robin shuddered. That sounded kinda scary, but also kinda exciting. Maybe it was something for Angra to mess around with some time.

They ascended the stairs. It was unusually quiet here… there didn't seem to be anyone else living here either. Well, if it was Dahag usage only, then there wouldn't be anyone else there. Nobu turned to them as they reached the first floor.

"First floor! This is where First Years like us lodge, obviously. I'm in 101, the best room. That's cause it's closest to the stairs."

She pointed at the door that was, sure enough, labelled as 101. Wow, it was actually what it said it was. A whole new world opened up for Angra.

"Weakling and Cat, you two should be in… 103 and 104, right at the end. Easy, right?"

Sure was easy, though if Robin was in 102… then they were the only ones on this floor.

"There're only four apartments on this floor? Where are the other guys?"

"They live elsewhere. We're the only freshmen that live in academic lodgings right now. Means we got this floor to ourselves, woo!"

How odd, though it was kinda nice. Still, this complex had a chilling vibe to it for some reason… though it kinda complemented Dahag's overall theme so maybe it wasn't bad at all. Angra approached the door marked as 104.

"I swear, if there's someone in here, I'll slap you."

"Hooo. Would you like a shot to the face or the balls? I can line them up if you'd like! Just like Sn*per Elite!"

"Uh, I think I'll just say "good night" and leave it there."

Jeez, how aggressive. Choosing to opt for the safer option of avoiding that confrontation altogether, Angra found a key under the doormat. He shrugged and entered the dark apartment. Considering his luck up until now, he expected some psychopath to disembowel him for walking in on their satanic ritual or something.

In quite the merciful turn of events, it was actually just a clean and ordinary apartment inside. Angra let out a sigh of relief as he entered the bedroom and sprawled himself on the laid-out futon. Actual separate rooms for sleeping, living, and toileting! A working shower and sink! Bedding without lumps and/or sharp bits! So comfy…

It was so comfortable in fact that he fell asleep right then and there. Considering all that he had gone through, following a life of complete inactivity… he got some pretty decent mileage. Perhaps, despite all the responsibilities and tribulations, this academic life wouldn't be so bad after all. So ends the first day of Angra Mainyu's crazy new lifestyle… somehow in a state of tranquility.

Let's fix that.


	12. Intermission: Some Unimportant Scene In A Bar Somewhere

_Nighttime, in the bar "Oi no Saka"_ …

"Yo Jing, another round."

The barista known as Jing Ke polished up a couple ceramic cups before pouring cheap sake into both of them and sliding them down to the patron who requested it, Kintoki.

It was only the three of them in the bar at this late hour. Kintoki, Achilles and Jing Ke. A lot of the nights they picked out were like this. Kintoki took a swig before setting it down with a satisfied sigh.

"Shame the other two never make it."

"Of course they wouldn't. Jeanne doesn't drink and Ishtar is way too uptight to hang out with us."

Achilles was a little more reserved in the indulgence of his beverage, but he took quite the hearty sip of the stuff as well. He swished it about in the cup a bit.

"Not too shabby. I still prefer some nice wine though. I recommend Kotsifali, works well with a meaty feast. Doesn't even need to age much to taste great."

"Eeeh… Wine is too fancy for me, y'know? I like cheap stuff like this pisswater… Oh uh, no offense Jing."

Jing simply smiled as she continued to polish the knife that she was holding.

"None taken, boy. There's plenty of that "pisswater" to go around."

Maybe it wasn't such a bright idea to casually utter castigate the products of the woman that was polishing a fucking knife. A really  _sharp_ fucking knife. Achilles looked towards Kintoki as he set his cup down.

"Heh, fancy? For "GOLDEN"? I would've thought wine complemented the look."

"Hey don't mistake it for something it ain't! GOLDEN is COOL. Not fancy."

"Whatever you say, man."

The two fell into silence as they each finished their cups. It wasn't an awkward silence, however. This was just something the two of them did on occasion. Despite being in different Houses, the two had a long-time rivalry that turned into a brotherhood since they had started in the academy.

Achilles called for a glass of red wine before looking at Kintoki out the corner of his eye.

"So you took the two weaklings in, hm? Dahag really grabs any scraps it can, huh."

"It ain't like that. Someone's gotta give 'em a chance though."

"For the one, I'd understand, but…"

He sipped the red-purple liquid and narrowed his gaze, staring ahead with a vague bit of bitterness in this look.

"The other one has no business being there."

Kintoki scratched his head as he too called up another round of drink, sipping it as he listened in before giving his response.

"What makes ya say that?"

"C'mon, man. You're not smart, but you're not stupid. Right?"

There was a pause, as the significantly larger-proportioned man set his cup down and turned to Achilles.

"Anyone's got potential. Anyone gets a chance. 'Sides, it was one of those "serious" favors from the boss."

"A serious favor, eh… what is that kaleidoscopic mess of a man thinking?"

The leader of Hydra could only ponder what twisted scheme the principal had buzzing through his head currently as he finished his wine and stood up.

"Sorry Kin, but I gotta cut this one short."

"Eh? Oooh, got a date with Penth?"

"Did ya not get the memo? We were done like... last year. I've moved on already… no, not a date with another girl either. I got some biz to tend to at home. Official stuff for the festival and all."

"Ah, yeah… I hear ya. Oh yeah, Dahag's actually gonna have something this year. You better watch out for us!"

Achilles could only scoff at that as he swung his bag over his shoulder and turned to leave. Jing Ke collected his glass and went away to clean it.

"Well, I suppose this year's festival will be at least somewhat interesting then. Whoever wins… pays the tab."

"Heh! Guess I gotta win now, eh?"

The two exchanged a competitive glance before Achilles exited the place. Kintoki finished up his drink and stood up, flexing his neck a bit.

"I'll be off too, Jing. Thanks again for having us."

"Mmmh mmh. You boys are some of the only business I get in this old shack."

A shiver ran down Kintoki's spine as she called him "boy". Not the good kind either, as he scratched his head. There was only one other person that ever called Kintoki by  _that_ term… not someone he ever wanted to see at a family gathering ever again.

"Gah. Whenever you say that it reminds me of…  _her._ "

"Oh. My bad, I guess the boss is rubbing off on me with her speaking mannerisms. Ahem, figuratively speaking."

"Ah, nah. I didn't mean any offense, it's just a thing between me and her."

"I'm well aware of the  _thing_ between you two."

Kintoki blushed a little as he rubbed the back of his neck in embarrassment.

"Oi… mercilessly striking at my weak spot like that. You're more of a demon sometimes! Anyway, I'm splitting. Ciao."

With a casual wave of the hand, the large man exited the relatively small bar, having to crouch to get through the small doorway. Jing sighed as she took the used cups and started to clean them.

"Somehow… I don't think you'll be coming back anytime soon."

Ominous words came from the barista as she set the glasses onto the far end of an old shelf and smiled.

"It was nice knowing you boys."

The lone barista lost herself in thought as she picked up a fine knight and idly started to sharpen it.  _Shink, shink, shink..._


	13. Mayans Fly Real Nicely

There was no beeping… the pesky alarm clock was a figment of the past. All that filled the void that it left was the soothing silence of deep slumber-

_**SCHWINK!** _

"… Huh?"

Angra's eyes slowly opened… to see the gleam of steel before him. He recoiled and hit the wall as he saw a knife embedded in the tatami matting before he looked across the room-

A disgruntled looking woman was stood in his room, wearing an unusual combination of plain kimono and red jacket… she walked over and picked up the knife.

"You weren't waking up, so I innovated a bit."

That's not innovation, it's prelude to murder! If this was this place's form of an alarm clock, he wanted the old annoying one back! At least that had approximately 99% less chance of accidentally killing him! He rubbed his head as he stood up, clad in nothing but his underwear. The woman didn't seem too fazed by this though.

"So you're the latest resident. You have a good instinctual reaction to danger, so you can stay. My name is Shiki Ryougi, I'm the landlord."

What kind of damn reasoning was that for letting someone stay? Angra's sense of self-preservation was usually pretty good, sure, it's not something he was complimented on every day. Anyone's would be though if they awoke to knives being thrown in their faces. Besides, did she just have keys for every room? What if she walked in while Ang was... y'know, having a little one-on-one time with Ang Jr.?

No. Let's not go there. Yet.

"Anyway. Get dressed and come down if you want a free breakfast. Also, you have a uniform now. Wear it, or I'll stab you."

She pointed at the folded up Chaldea Academy uniform on the floor beside his futon before she left the room. What a scary landlord… though that was pretty much to be expected, somehow. Pretty much everything in this place that wasn't shit-off-the-walls bonkers or straight out of a comic book, was, in fact, terrifying beyond belief. Ang was becoming slowly used to it all. Slowly.

Angra picked up the uniform and looked it over. It was a typical Japanese-style school uniform, a bit plain. It was grey in color, which was neutral enough for him to not be entirely disgusted by it. Proper clothes never hurt him none, as he slipped into them and left the room.

He walked down the stairs from the first floor and entered the lobby. He looked over to see a signed doorway that said "Ryougi Residence", which was presumably where Shiki lived. The smell of freshly cooked rice emanated from there… his stomach grumbled.

Before he made his way over, however, he saw a path leading out the other side of the lobby. It seemed like there was a garden area out the back of this complex, so he decided to check that out first. Clearly, that was the protagonist thing to do, after all.

It was a surprisingly spacious garden with a pathway leading through it, a few patches of green and some nice rock formations. A great place for a nap, he thought. It was a textbook example of a Japanese rock garden. As he wandered through it, however, he spotted something amidst some of the bushes…

He slowly approached these bushes as it silently pulled the foliage apart to inspect this phenomenon closely…

Fluffy.

It was fluffy.

_Oh no._

It was so fluffy. His feet moved by themselves.

Not this shit again-

_But the fluffy._

This wasn't going to end-

_BUT THE FLUFFY._

DESIST.

_**FLUFFYFLUFFYFLUFFY.** _

…

Fluffy tail.

_Grab…_

"ARF?!"

Once again, the fluffy tail's entrancing existence claims another victim as Angra is smashed into the ground so hard that it makes an impression of his ugly mug.

Thus, breakfast was skipped due to the Avenger's tomfoolery. Unless you count the mouthful of dirt he received from that clobbering. In which case, I'm sure he's managed to meet his daily mineral intake requirements. Curiosity gets you killed by a cat, after all. Well, not killed, but temporarily incapacitated. I was trying to do a thing…

Just so we don't lose momentum with the plot's progression, he recovered just in time to head to school with Robin and Cat. As usual, Cat seemed completely oblivious to the physical torment she put Angra through. Maybe it was better off that way since he didn't wanna consider what she'd do to try and make amends if she was aware. He imagined stuff along the lines of finding roadkill on his doorstep…

The three of them chatted about the typical things you'd expect from students that were also Heroic Spirits from different eras of time, except not really because they were all acting like ordinary school students here. So typical student things. I'm glad we got around to that in the end.

They soon came towards the entrance to the bridge that led across the river into the city, witnessing an influx of other featureless students also making their way to the academy.

All of them featureless to Angra save for one. Amidst the crowd, the tan-skinned girl stuck out like a sore thumb. Just like any girl that the author is intending to introduce does. Her uniform tidy and looking well-reserved in overall appearance, the most notable things about her were her strange red eyes and her snow-white hair that was partially covered by a veil of similar color that extended down her back.

Angra was a little mesmerized by her appearance before Robin elbowed him lightly.

"You're gawking in the least subtle manner ever. Stop that."

"Good point, but do you see her?"

"Yeah. Pretty lass, eh? Dunno who she is though."

"Hmhmm… Cat thinks she would bake good cat-nip brownies."

Please never let Cat eat something like that.

Anyway, who could she be? Judging from her neat appearance, she was probably a member of Vouivre… or Sirrush, at worst. As people went by, the strange yet beautiful girl was suddenly stopped and surrounded by a group of rather burly looking men. Ain't that just completely  _unexpected_? Robin sighed.

"... Ah, those guys. They're in Dahag's Second Year."

"Is this gonna be one of those cliche scenarios where someone swoops in to save her? Cause I ain't doing that, not against those guys."

Two of the muscular men weren't much to spread rumors about. They were tough-looking meatheads, through and through. Placeholders to make the last guy look better. The third had a little more character. Enough so that he shall be granted an actual identity. These three men intimidated the poor girl and forced her up against the aligning barrier of the walkway. Of course, no one else was really doing much cause these guys were part of Dahag; no one wanted anything to do with Dahag people.

Robin shook his head and looked away.

"And they are part of the reason we get shat on by the other Houses."

The girl had nowhere to go, and the one that has been blessed with an identity finally decided to announce their intentions.

"Hehe. Aren't you a cute little thing… when it comes to Mayans like me, we take what we like. That's how we work. You shall become the personal property of the Divine Serpent King, Yuknoom. How does that sound? You can spend your days polishing the king's "divine serpent"!"

Wow. He really didn't beat around the bush, did he? Angra would usually commend this type of felony occurring in broad daylight but in this case… he was actually kind of appalled. Totally not because a cutie was in trouble. It was totally because a cutie was in trouble. If only his legs cared enough to move.

The poor girl blinked and looked for a way out… or for someone to help her. That's when their eyes met… Ang cranked his head to the side. Oh fuck, that just made him look like even more of a dick! He was one anyway, but he kinda didn't wanna just rub it into this cute girl's face!

Not like he had a chance.

"I-I do not think that would be… I do not think I am capable of something as prestigious as that. I am just a very normal girl… m-may I please pass so that I may reach the academy before I become late?"

"Haah? You don't quite understand the situation do ya? Silly little woman. Ya gonna come with us, that's how it's gonna be."

"N-no, I cannot. I really must go-"

"Shut it!"

Yuknoom raised his arm angrily as if to physically abuse this girl he'd just met. Honestly, this was straight out some kind of story somewhere. Now some hunk was going to debut and save her in majestic fashion. Possibly a flying, face-busting wrestling maneuver of some description that comes from outta nowhere.

However-

**FLASH!**

There was a brief flash. Enough to make them all cover their eyes… in that split moment of recoil, those three men had disappeared suddenly. Angra looked around… where the fuck did they go?

Screams suddenly rained from above, as everyone looked up and saw a triplet of flailing bodies cascading from the heavens and dramatically plunging into the river over yonder.

The girl was left standing there, looking as bewildered as everyone else was. Robin seemed especially shocked.

"Was that… no way."

"Did you see what happened? All I saw was a flash."

"I… no, it's nothing. It's too early for this shit, let's go."

Robin was suddenly kinda pushy as he went on ahead. Maybe some anonymous superhero charged in and saved the day. That event will surely make the headlines of the school newspaper. If they even had one. Shrugging and just leaving it as a mystery, Angra followed after Robin. He dragged Cat along since before any of this even took place, she had fallen asleep while standing. Cat continues to amaze us all.

And so things moved on. To be fair that was pretty normal by Chaldea Academy standards, so it was only really talked about for a few minutes after it had happened. The incident of the mysterious flash and the mysterious girl was soon forgotten entirely, in favor of rumors as to what was for lunch that day…

Later on, after crossing through the forest that separated Dahag from pretty much everything else, the trio met up with Nobu and Okita and-

> **COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF ATMOSPHERIC VIOLENCE.**

**SMASH! BANG! WHAM! POW!**

And all that jazz. There was some kinda action scene taking place before them, as they realized that the entire forest area around Dahag's building had been leveled. Scars and craters littered the terrain as if a physical war had taken place here. Angra seemed like the only one with his jaw dropped, however.

"Uh… what the fuck is going on?"

Nobu laughed and crossed her arms.

"Nothin' much. Captain is having a morning brawl again."

Morning… brawl? Angra's train of thought was halted as a crash of lightning came down from the cloudless skies, rumbling the earth as he almost lost his footing. Then he could see one of the manliest scenes unfold before him-

"Heh… your moves are as "golden" as ever, Cap'n."

"Oi! That's GOLDEN to ya!"

Kintoki, shirtless and in tattered trousers, was locked in a grappled stalemate with… a similarly over-muscular man with spiked blonde hair and scars all over his dark-skinned body. His expression was savage, bent into a gnarled grin as he tensed against the Captain's vigorous strength. Muscles and veins bulged all over the place… small bits of debris around them were being pushed away by the sheer display of power they were putting on. It was as if the constant flexing of their outrageous muscles rippled the fabric of the space around them.

"But y'know, Cap'n… can you withstand this?!"

He suddenly broke the grapple and backstepped. The scarred man took a deep breath and brought his fists low to his sides… before he suddenly lunged forward-

" **ORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORA!** "

A blurred flurry of punches, thrown in the dozens every second, suddenly surged towards Kintoki. The Captain had a suitable answer for this, however-

" **OOOOOHHHHRARARARARARARARARARARARARARARARA!** "

A similar yet GOLDEN barrage of punches was the response to this all-out attack, as the two of them cataclysmically met each and every punch they threw at each other. Shockwaves emanated all over the place, causing trees to fall over and the ground to splinter beneath them. They were slowly digging themselves into a deeper and deeper crater as the sheer physical power of their brawl eroded the earth away…

Okita's ahoge rose on end.

"Let's get to homeroom. They're locked in place now, so it's safe to pass!"

Hold on a minute, this was a fucking spectacle! Angra could watch them wail away at each other all day, yet no one seemed to be reacting much at all! People would pay loads to see this! Was it this normal? Even Cat wasn't… oh wait, she's still asleep. Through all of this even?

To be fair, that's just the author lessening the number of character reactions he has to do for this current scene. Cheap but effective. Thank you, Cat.

And so they ended up walking around the heated exchange and entering the school building. Somehow, the structure was quite stable despite the quaking that was present outside. If they did this often, they probably upgraded the foundations to withstand it. Probably.

All of them entered the homeroom, though Nobu immediately U-turned and walked out afterward. She had entered the homeroom once and was now fucking off to do Nobu things. The others remained, however. Robin sat in his seat and looked towards Angra.

"I heard we actually have something to do today, so we should stick here for a bit."

Angra was mildly disappointed, having looked forward to a responsibility-free school life… though maybe it was something exciting, considering Dahag's status quo. The others took their seats. Angra ended up having to help Okita put Cat into her seat because damn! She was deceptively heavy, especially in her flimsy sleeping state. Good thing she was a girl that wouldn't remotely care about such a remark.

Thus they all seated themselves and waited… Angra turned around in his seat.

"Oh, and good morning Fuuma."

A poof of smoke emerged from the back of the classroom as an aghast ninja appeared.

"H-how did you see through my deception?!"

"Cause I'm awesome."

"... I see. I did not factor in "awesomeness" of others into my tactics. Of course... I'M NOT AN IDIOT. TELL ME YOUR SECRETS!"

"Nah."

Before the ninja and the literal living embodiment of garbage could bicker any more, the door slammed open. A particularly winded, profusely sweaty GOLDEN Captain stepped on through… while holding a disgusted Nobu by the scruff of the neck. He tossed her into a seat.

"Alrighty, boys and girls! We got something important to do today. Sorry about the mess, been brawlin' Beowulf again."

A resounding "we know" came from everyone in there as they settled into seats. Kintoki wiped the sweat off his pectorals and took a swig of water from his GOLDEN brand sippy cup.

"Right! We have quite the GOLDEN task to do today…"

Angra pondered what it could possibly be. Maybe a raid on one of the other Houses? Preferably Vouivre, just because that priest kid was in it. Or maybe Sirrush, they probably had tons of cute girls that he could pilfer panties from. Anything that could have possibly been important by Dahag standards must've been pretty exciting-

"Today! You're gonna find the rest of your classmates!"

Not quite what Angra had in mind!


	14. Seriously. A Fly Beat Him!

Murmuring broke out in the class of few as this unusual task was set upon them.

"Here's the deal. We got some official school biz lined up soon, so we need a good ol' fashion Dahag-brand round-up."

Kintoki pulled out a sheet of paper that had a list of names on it. These were probably the names of the other students they needed to find… Angra sighed. Wasn't this a job for the teachers?

Okita put her hand up.

"How long we got, Cap'n?"

"Shouldn't take you guys more than a week. We only need to meet the minimum number requested, but if we don't… Carmilla-sensei will get mad again."

The classroom froze and chills ran down everyone's spines. That was a compelling enough reason to get a move on with this task.

Though… our protagonist was blissfully out of the loop in regards to that threat. He pondered what kind of teacher Carmilla was, to be able to make everyone in this class react like that… on second thought, maybe he had a good idea as Tamamo Maya propped up in his mind for some reason. He sweated nervously.

Kintoki wiped himself down again and held the paper out, expecting one of them to take it.

"Hopefully it don't come to that, ay? Make sure to report to me when ya start wrangling them up. Carmilla-sensei asked you guys specifically, so I can't do much to help. Sorry!"

He grinned despite that. He wasn't sorry at all, he was probably glad that the responsibility didn't fall to him. Honestly, the senior population here were so irresponsible… that was an issue because it meant Angra himself couldn't be as irresponsible as he would've liked!

Nobu took lead and snagged the paper, reading over the names as she stood before the class.

"Alright! I'm fired up now, let's do this. Cu's the first one, but he's easy. Probably hanging out somewhere in the forest, taking a nap."

Oh boy, the forest that randomly spawns monsters. What could possibly go wrong? The answer was just about everything for a guy who could barely contest a fly. No, really-

_Flashback intensifies_ …

* * *

_It was a tense staredown. A singular fly had deemed itself worthy and pesky enough to perch precariously on the edge of the plastic bowl that contained the precious that was a heaping serving of chicken-infused noodles._

_Angra's gaze intensified. His intimidating check failed and the fly stood its ground firmly, wiggling its proboscis about in a probing fashion as if it were sniffing up its potential next conquest_ …

_"Don't you dare do it."_

_The fly was daring to do it. If a tiny, winged insect could giggle diabolically, that was precisely what this fly was doing right now as it fluttered its wings. Angra gasped and readied himself for a battle. It was taunting him, buzzing its wings mockingly_ …  _and somewhat menacingly!_

_The objective was to safeguard the precious cargo_ …  _even Angra's own life was forfeit! The objective must be secured!_

_It raised a leg. Angra gulped as his eyes widened. The first move was about to be made_ …  _his heart thumped incessantly against the confines of his ribcage. Sweat dripped profusely from his brows as he equipped his trusty plastic spork._

_"This isn't the right thing to do, sir_ …  _release that hostage right now!"_

_The fly's conviction was unnervingly stalwart. It was going to completely fuck up this delicious feast and there was nothing that was going to stop it. Especially not some washed-up shut-in troll! It lurched its tiny body forward_ …

_"I will strike! I swear it!"_

_Thus, in its last moments, the fly did its own version of a salute. To all its insecty bretheren that would commit to the same deed_ …  _this was for all the underappreciated flies out there that fell victim to vile flyswatters. This was for them, damnit! You will not be FORGOTTEN!_

_The fly plummeted towards the broth of the bowl, sacrificing its entire self to fuck up Angra's day. Such a noble cause_ …

_"NOOOOOOOOOOO!"_

_With a cry of anguish, Angra lunged forward to intercept. He must stop this disaster from happening, whatever the cost!_

_Unfortunately, Angra forgot that his foe was a fucking fly that was falling into a fucking boiling pot of brothy noodles. This was also taking place on a flimsy-as-fuck fold-up table._

_And so, Angra majestically crashed into the surface of the table and caused the bowl (and the fly) to turn over. Time stopped for a moment as Angra looked up to see a rain of noodles and sauce_ …  _on its way to embrace him. In the face._

**_CRASH!_ **

_Yeah. He was now flailing on the ground, searing hot chicken juice enacting a burning crusade onto the tainted land that was his face. Red hot noodles lashed at him like the malicious whips that scarred Christ and boiling oil cauterized his eyes into temporary blindness. He screamed and rolled around-_

**_BANG!_ **

_Oh for fucks sake. And now he has crashed into a mound of empty boxes from the countless deliveries he makes. For some abstract reason that defies anyone's logic ever, there was a full case of soda cans on top. These rained down on him and pummelled into him like a volley of sugar-aluminium infused cannonballs. Holy shit, what a disaster._

_Furthermore, one crashed into his tender nuts. That one was from me, yes._

_Buried in boxes, squashed by soda cans, burned by noodles_ …  _Angra was completely and utterly defeated. As he lay there, groaning in agony and the anguish of defeat, a buzzing was heard_ …  _the triumphant fly made its landing on his nose and started to slurp up that delicious, torturous noodle juice._

_This was the fly's plan all along. It just needed a seasoning called "suffering"._

_Now_ …  _it was the perfect flavor._

* * *

Ang cringed to himself. From that day onwards, he would never have chicken ramen again. It was just far too traumatic to ever re-live that experience! Even just seeing a cup of the stuff sends him into a spiral of manic despair. Tell no one of this. Pork rib was the only escape. The only one.

Anyway. The search begins. Opting to cover a large area in less time, the whole current population of the class mobilized into the woods to search for this Cu Chulainn.

It was a vast expanse from a glance when one was outside it… but travelling through it was a whole different story. It really seemed endless as they just strolled through it while keeping an eye out. Angra wouldn't be surprised if people had become lost in this place and never emerged ever again… how terrifying!

Every tree looked the same as Angra pressed on. The canopy only let vague streams of sunlight seep through, which ironically made the place eerier. All types of fauna could be heard chirping and buzzing in the surrounding foliage. It could really disconnect one from the fact that they were in the middle of established civilization.

"This place is huge… hey guys-"

_Trip-_

Angra yelled abruptly as he tripped over a tree root and planted his face firmly into the muddy floor. He groaned and wiped it out of his eyes before he stood himself up.

"No one saw that, right?"

You're damn right no one saw that because there isn't anyone nearby to see it!

"... Ah fuuuuck."

At some point, Angra had become lost in the description of nature's decor and had managed to become separated from the others. Put your hand up if you saw this coming.

"And this is the part where something starts to-"

_Groooowl…_

"- … hunt me?!"

There was a looming black shadow in the distance. Angra could see it and a pair of glowing red eyes. More than that, he could  _feel_ a killing intent… if there was one thing he was great at picking up, it was negative intentions of any kind. And this was the worst of all! Such a predatory gaze was fixed upon him. He may as well have had a flashing red target on his back.

Thus, his instincts dictated only one thing to him:

_RUN._

This was the absolute worst thing he could've done in this situation, but let's slow things down for some suspense. He sprinted a few meters, swatting away stray branches of bushes to make his escape. He skillfully used that  **A RANK AGILITY** to avoid all those pesky tree roots and managed to gain speed rather quickly-

_**ROAAAAAR!** _

Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck! Whatever that thing was, it was  _FAST._  It immediately burst forward with jet-like speed, completely bolting forward while somehow swerving through all the trees and obstacles in its path. Even as Angra stepped around a large boulder, the thing just shattered into pieces that scattered like shrapnel.

This knocked Angra down as he rolled down into a ditch of more muddy terrain. Clambering to get up he was suddenly tossed from there into another boulder, enough to crack it as he gasped for the air that was ejected from his lungs.

A glint of red was poised before his face, causing him to gulp. It was the tip of an unnaturally long spear, and its wielder was-

"... Eh? The heck are you?"

Some blue-haired cunt. The fear left Angra's body all of a sudden, leaving nothing but adrenaline to pump his heart rate as he stared at the man who was seemingly hunting him. Was this… really it? Like, he felt a monster chasing him… but looking now, this man wasn't a monster at all.

"This sure is a weird type of monster."

You're the monster! Angra was panting too much to even utter a word as he slumped against the rock… the spear gleamed as it poked closer, causing him to straighten back up. This time, he managed to squeeze out a couple words.

"The… haa… haa… FUCK!"

"Oh, it talks. Probably not a monster then!"

The spear was taken away and Angra was finally allowed to relax. He crumpled to the floor in a tired heap as he slowly restored his oxygen reserves. The blue-haired cunt laughed and twirled that massive spear effortlessly before it vanished before their eyes. A hand extended out towards Angra, which he begrudgingly seized after gaining enough breath back.

"Name's Cu Chulainn. Sorry 'bout that, thought you were a passing monster. Been getting lots of 'em nowadays."

"I… know."

"So you a newbie or something? From your looks, you're definitely a Dahag. 'Sides, why else would you be here?"

"We've… been looking for YOU."

Cu blinked, then rubbed his chin.

"Me? Something actually going on?"

"Yeah. Carmilla-sensei or whatever wants everyone gathered up. Or at least a few of us."

"Riiiight. I guess we gotta listen to the teachers then. I already know well enough to not defy those types…"

He sweatdropped as he looked to the side, seemingly remembering something awful. Now that Angra looked at him properly, he was a tall fuck. Tall and chiselled… damn, what was with most of the other guys here being well-defined? Angra himself wasn't too bad, but he was more scrawny than anything. The only other guy more his level seemed to be Robin… and even then, Angra kinda figured he was hiding it under that mantle.

Not that Angra liked thinking about topless men… no, not at all. Oh god he can't stop thinking about it now. All the shirtless men of Dahag. Even the other Houses. Rippling man bods everywhere, sweating in the morning sun after a workout…

"NOOOO!"

Angra smashed his head into the rock, causing it to split in two. Cu looked on, surprised.

"You… 'kay?"

"Never better."

Freed of the gay-ass shit that plagued his mind previously, he gave a thumbs up as blood from his head wound completely coated his face. Cu could only laugh as he patted Angra on the back.

"You're fucking hilarious! Glad to have ya… uh…"

"Angra Mainyu."

"Cool name, Ang."

The blue-haired cunt wasn't all that bad. Aside from the fact that he tried to Pr*dator the fuck out of Angra just now. Also, Ang. That was a pretty good abbreviation of his name. He figured he'd use that from now on. It's not like the main protagonist of any other series goes by that name, right?

Any that do are STUPID-

Suddenly, a female's voice rung out from the nearby trees. No, not those trees.  _Those_ trees. There you go.

"Noooow… I wonder where is my  _hound_ is hiding~... yooohoooo~. Your Queen requests… no,  _demands_ your presence, little hound!"

Cu's face distorted into one that only really spelled "oh no". He slowly turned to Ang.

"Yo… let's get outta here. That's someone I'd rather not deal with right now."

If it was someone he didn't wanna deal with, it was someone Ang didn't even wanna know! Thus, in unison, the two lads beelined in the opposite direction. This will be an encounter for a later time. Hopefully much, much later.

They decided to rendezvous with the others. Cu seemed to know his way around the forest like the back of his hand, somehow. By the time they emerged from the forest, Nobu had already found another of the missing students.

This led the two of them to the sports shed out the back of the old building… of course, keeping with the trends of Dahag so far, this wasn't the sports shed at all.

As they approached it, the thick stench of metal work and crude oil caused even the stalwart Cu to scrunch up in expression. Welding could be heard from within the shed, which was appropriately dubbed the "motor pool". The shutter door whined as it slowly dragged itself open-

There was a fucking TANK inside. Nobu was also there.

"I found one! Seems like you did too, good work weakling!"

To be fair, this wasn't hard at all to find. There seemed to be someone on a rolling bed, welding away underneath the metal behemoth on treads. Cu walked up to the thing and wracked his knuckles against it lightly with a clang.

"The heck is this thing?"

"WHO TOUCHED SHEILA-CHAN?!"

The bed suddenly shot out from underneath and a profoundly oil-stained guy popped up to push Cu away from his "treasure". Aside from the filthy overalls he wore, the guy had shoulder-length auburn hair and a freaking  _eyepatch._  It made his single amber eye all the more intimidating as it locked onto Ang.

"Huh. What's with the crowd now?"

"I'm Ang. This is Cu. And what the hell is "Sheila"?"

"Name's Zizka. And Sheila?  _Sheila-chan_ is my treasure. Look, but don't touch. I don't want her hull to get scratched."

"No no, I mean… what is it meant to be, aside from a tank?"

Zizka sighed in exasperation as if Ang just asked the dumbest question in the world.

"Firstly, that's SHE to you, not it. And she's obviously the Iosef Stalin, a piece of armored vehicle finery despite hailing from the USSR. She's commonly referred to as the IS. Isn't a beautiful name? This is technically the IS-2 since it has a-"

"I really don't give a fuck."

Deciding to opt out of the lecture on Second World War armored warfare, Ang left Cu to the wolves as Zizka decided to lecture him instead. Already taking one for the team, what a great guy. Cu was pretty alright.

Nobu and Ang stepped out of the grimy workshop, leaving the tank-man to his tank.

"Ain't that thing just awesome? I can't wait for Zizka to lemme drive it!"

We do not need Nobu driving a fucking Soviet tank.

"Where are the others?"

"What do you think, weakling? Still looking, of course! We must resume the search."

She pulled out the list which she had gotten from Kintoki and read through it. Seems like she was picking out the easiest ones to find. That, and there were only really a handful of developed characters that were ready to be introduced.

"This one next! Robin was on his way to the main campus so go join him!"

She wrote the name down on a slip of paper and punched it into Ang's chest, causing him to fall over. She laughed as he panted and got back up. What a bully…

And with that, the Demon King dashed off towards the school building. No doubt she was hot on the trail of another student… Ang rubbed his chest and looked at the provided name as he started to make his way to the main campus.

The name of the next student to find was… Ryoma Sakamoto.


	15. Riders of Men

It didn't take long for Ang to find Robin. He just had to follow a suspiciously sneaky, green-mantled stranger for a bit and Robin just kinda appeared. Ang was starting to think that those two may be connected in some way… maybe.

"So you found Zizka and Cu? That's already a third of the people we need."

"Huh… so we needed, uh… Ten people?"

"Six, you idiot."

Rude. Maths weren't Ang's strong-suit at all despite his previous claims. After all, the person Ang disagrees with the most is himself. Though, even then, this degree of mathematical inadequacy was profound. As expected of our protagonist.

They entered through the gates that led onto the main campus… and what a different world it seemed to be due to it being Ang's first time visiting it, surprisingly enough.

Neat cobblestone pavements led them through a variety of beautiful gardens and courtyards, with random students from other Houses wandering about and mingling with each other between classes. After all, they actually attended classes unlike those in Dahag.

That was why the two of them were either ignored entirely or treated with cautious looks as they entered the alien world of the other Houses. What a discriminating feeling… though Ang was kinda used to it. Robin seemed to be as well, strangely enough.

"Just don't start any fights and we can do this without issue."

"I ain't gonna be the one starting them, just sayin'…"

Why would Ang ever pick a fight he couldn't win? Which is to say, any fight he could potentially pick. It was always him being penned into a corner before he even lifted a finger. That was usually all he could do before having his arse handed to him on a shitty platter.

Considering the predatory gazes of some of those folks, however… being forced into a fight seemed like a much more likely scenario.

"… Maybe we should get a move on."

Robin agreed as they avoided the most crowded areas of the campus and proceeded. They were like fugitives or asylum seekers. Robin asked some of the less threatening populace of Vouivre for possible leads on Ryoma, while Ang just kinda hung around like some kinda shitty search hound. He was good at finding people online (do not inquire about methods), but in the real world… not so much. Speaking of this Ryoma guy-

"Why are there so many Asians in Dahag, anyway?"

"... Are you actually being racist right now?"

"No! Fuck, like, it just seems to have a high population of them is all. Is it cause most of them suck ass?"

"... I suppose? I wouldn't say that to the others, though. Probably cause they tend to be more liberal in their attitudes, so Dahag is the perfect place for them."

"Liberal… that's one way to put it."

He couldn't see any of them fitting in the other Houses, that was for sure. Well, he at least asked the question. It didn't bother him as much anymore, except for the fact that it was seen as racism. Even Ang was above such things!

Thankfully, they hadn't met anyone insufferable yet… notably, Ang hadn't seen any glimpse of King Gold Prick or Saint Prickius. Just featureless students and some cute girls of minimal description.

They came to a crossroad, with signposts that led to the different buildings of the Houses. From here, they could see the massive golden complex that was Sirrush's facilities… once again, they established superiority over others with sheer displays of material wealth. Even Hydra's building was less substantial… presumably. Only because they couldn't see it from here.

Robin rubbed his chin.

"We should check Vouivre's place out… or maybe Hydra."

Hydra was the way to go. He'd take a possibility of encountering Gilgamesh over shitty priest kid. Vouivre, despite their kind outlook, had some semblance of shadiness to their overall system. After all, how can a Captain seem so saintly? Like, yeah she was a saint but still! Suspicious as all fuck. Hydra, while mildly elitist overall, seemed much more honest about everything regarding themselves. No need for smokes and mirrors.

"Let's go to Hy-"

Ang immediately swiveled in that direction, only to  _almost_ collide with someone. Thankfully, thanks to the luckiest luck roll the universe has ever seen, he managed to stop dead and backstep a little to avoid any physical mishaps. Congratulations to him. He's just used up his only saving roll for this entire act.

Probably well spent, though. The person in question was quite the elegant looking girl. She had hair as black as midnight and features reminiscent of a princess. She was wearing a black version of the school uniform as well, which made her stand out even more than her beauty did. Ang whistled.

"Whew, a hottie."

"Fufu. T'is apt flattery for one such as I."

So Ang manages to utter a crude cat-call without being beaten senseless by the woman in question? I wasn't aware this suddenly became an alternate dimension where everything was actually fortunate for him. Though this girl seemed quite mature overall, so it wasn't as surprising a reaction as one would expect.

Robin decided that she was as good as any for a source of info.

"Hey. We're looking for one of our classmates. Know someone that goes by Sakamoto?"

The girl's features brightened up, as she beamed at them. That was a much better visual response than from anyone else so far!

"Why yes indeed. I am… acquainted with Ryoma-kun. May I participate in your searching expedition?"

Not quite the lead they were looking for, but she probably knew better as to where he would be… and what he looked like for that matter, so it wasn't all bad. Thus, the mysterious girl joined their little search team. Well, that was easy. Was she a fellow Dahag?

"By the way, what was your name?"

"I am Oryuu of Sirrush. It is nice to meet you, friends of Ryoma-kun."

Well… no one was gonna tell her that they weren't friends, as Robin and Ang exchanged knowing glances. Still, she was in Sirrush and was presumably acquainted with Ryoma? That was surprising. He must've had something about him, which was something Ang will potentially despise him for. Oooh how Ang hated the popular ones.

After that, they investigated the sites of both Vouivre and Hydra, but to no avail. Ryoma wasn't anywhere to be seen or heard of in those places, so they returned to the main courtyard on campus. Even when they went to the help desk in the tower that was supposed to keep tabs on everyone… he was Dahag. Not everyone in Dahag had a record because they were forgettable. Robin had one but Ang didn't. Probably best to keep it that way. Still… there were no leads.

However, despite the bleak amount of progress they had made, they noticed a crowd had gathered in the center of the courtyard… one entirely composed of girls from all the other Houses.

Oryuu perked up a little.

"There is…"

Ang raised his eyebrow and looked at her.

"What? You gonna flock there as well like some honey bee? It's probably some selfish hunk that's whoring attention."

"… Yes, that is most likely."

She swooped in towards the crowd. Maybe she knew something? Or she was just that susceptible to popular charm. How irritable! Still… without much other lead to follow, Ang and Robin shrugged together and followed her.

Sure enough, in the middle of all those girls was a single gentleman sat on a bench… it looked like he was just trying to enjoy a canned juice, despite the many cuties huddled up around him. From what Ang could see through the crowd, he was a pretty boy with dark hair tied into a ponytail. He was also clad in a completely white uniform with golden buttons and… he was wearing a fucking matching fedora.

What a disgusting piece of headwear. Ang could just wretch at the sight of it. Feelings of animosity suddenly flooded his mind as he imagined a hundred different ways to cruelly demolish such a vile figment of failed fashion.

Robin slapped Ang.

"I could feel the hate from here, jeez! Cool it."

Thanks gingersnap, that made Ang feel a little better. Though, he probably assumed that Ang was experiencing good ol' juvenile "hate at first sight" with this guy when really it was with the headwear. He would never admit that though, so for now he held onto his bitter feelings… so they could fester in his hollow heart…

Back to the commotion, away from Ang's internal turmoil, Ryoma (yeah, we can pretty much assume this now. Who else would this seemingly important character be?) sipped from his can and calmly surveyed the surrounding girls.

"Hum… I am sure you are all really nice girls and such, however… I am simply trying to enjoy a drink in the sun on this fine day. Is there something you all require?"

The way he delivered those words was so smooth that some of the typical high school girls swooned and fell over. Ang was pretty sure she could hear one scream "sign my panties!". The hell was this, an autograph signing?

The girls tightened the wall around him, meaning Ang could no longer see through. How annoying that a guy like this would be one of their classmates. Ang hated people who attracted attention as if it were natural. Mostly because he was a hipster that hated popular things. Okay, that was entirely the reason.

Speaking of drawing attention, where did Oryuu go?

" _... Koi yue ni… ukiyo'o sutete… kakurenaba…"_

The clamor of the crowd died down, as a serene voice resonated throughout the area. It was such a pure and gentle voice, one that enraptured the ears in ways that would even mollify the most vigorous of spirits.

" _... Enzou no yama ya… sumika narubeki…?"_

Ryoma opened his eyes, having closed them while listening to that voice. He stood up and suddenly made his way through the crowd of girls. Of course, they parted for him in confused fashion as he stepped out and-

"I didn't see you there, Oryuu."

"I've been looking for you, Ryoma-kun~."

For some reason, a sweat bead formed on his brow as she said that and he scratched his head.

"I kept you waiting, eh…"

Oryuu nodded, hands behind her back in innocent fashion. Seems like the union of a Sirrush and a Dahag was a shock to everyone's systems. A wave of disappointment could be observed spreading across the crowd as they started to disperse in dejection.

Ang chuckled to himself, the mass dejection all around him being quite refreshing for him. After all, he thrived on the negativity of others. Robin crossed his arms as he looked at the apparent pairing.

"Well, I suppose that's the next classmate found."

Oryuu seemed… a tad too happy. She was making all these cutesy faces and was blushing and… wait what the fuck, was she DROOLING? She looked like she was getting off on… something. And Ryoma was just stood there, casually smiling at her. This guy is the most collected of all collectively collected hunks out there. His collection was more complete than the treasury of Babylon!

Ryoma then looked at the other two and oh no please don't do it, no no no-

He tipped his fedora.

"Ah, you are the fellow classmates who were also searching for me? You probably know who I am then. Nice to meet you."

He was ready to go. The Avenger was frothing at the mouth, fangs bared and tonfa-shivs poised. He was going absolutely feral. Of course, this was all in his imagination as he gave the fedora a notable death glare.

Putting the Ang vs Fedora saga to the sidelines, Robin figured it was time for them to head back. Though, this has been a relatively straightforward endeavor so far. Too much so. So how about something to spice things up? Ang simmered down and grimaced.

"Oh boy, here we go."

Here we go indeed, Mr. Protagonist. As they tried to leave, a wall of people suddenly formed a blockade before them. They were clearly male students, but… they all wore sacks on their heads, with the kanji for "sin" embroidered on them.

… Was this some kinda fucking cult?

They then started chanting. Oh hell no, it was a fucking cult.

"Make! Way! For! The Queen! Our Queen! Your Queen! The lovely Queen!"

They stamped their feet in unison. It was quite an intimidating albeit bizarre display as they suddenly converged together in some kinda formation… before they did some weird cheerleader routine shit and started climbing on top of each other like building blocks.

Ang exchanged glances with Robin, and then Ryoma, and then Oryuu. None of them were particularly well-informed as to what was going on. This was quite distressing for all of them. They were all moaning. Oh no they were all moaning. This just became uncomfortably sexual.

The cult people finally finished… forming a moaning, shaky stair formation. And at the summit of it…

**CRACK!**

The harsh sound of a whip cracked against the air.

"I'm one chapter overdue an introduction! The Queen comes to claim what is rightfully hers!"

At the top of that human staircase, there was a man… okay, let's just say he's the muscular alter-ego of a famous character from the P*kemon animated series. C'mon, how else am I gonna fucking describe him?

Perched on his broad, platform-like shoulders was a much daintier girl with pink hair and a white-fur coat over her uniform. She cradled a whip in her hands, which also… seemed to be partially a dildo. Well, okay then. I am serious when I say that is an official design choice, not something I came up with. Not all wacky ideas come from me, it seems.

The girl-carrying-man strode his way down the steps of bodies. The whole thing looked fit to collapse… the only thing those depraved fools could be commended for was their resolve of steel to prostrate themselves in their entirety before this diva. The moans as each one was crushed under that man's feet didn't justify it at all though.

Fuck it, he's called Brock now. Brock lowered to one knee as the girl jumped off him and landed before the others, pointing her whip towards Ryoma.

"I, Medb of Connacht, hereby declare you as my personal play-thing. And if you are lucky and skilled enough at your job, I shall allow you to fulfill the role of my partner too. Fergus, you are dismissed."

"Oh, huh. Alright then."

BROCK did not seem too heartbroken about this as he grinned and laughed at that as if it were some kinda joke. Get it right Medb, god.

Before Ryoma could respond, however, ANG stepped forward. Oh shit, he's doing something.

"You sure about that? Don'tcha know he's part of Dahag? Wouldn't your reputation take a serious hit if you were dating Dahag trash?"

 

> **Ang used Half-Assed Japery: Dahag Denunciation!**

"Huuuh? There's an annoying creature attempting communication… if you want my attention, you'd at least send me a dick pic first so I can laugh or fap to it. Fergus, please."

What the fuck was that response? And that's Brock to y- wait, why was Brock coming towards Ang with that big grin on his face-

"Up we go!"

"Wait a sec-"

 

> **Fergus used Red Branch Toss: Farewell Dickless One!**

"I AIN'T DICKLESS-"

Our protagonist was hammer tossed into the horizon, screaming all the way. A resounding thud confirmed his landing. Don't worry, he's fine and we can get back to him in a bit. In the meantime, we'll keep watching how things unfold over here.

With that out of the way, Medb smirked and closed in… though she was stopped by Oryuu.

"More interruptions? How dare you defy the Queen of Connacht! I am not in the mood for a woman like you, so shift aside and get in line. You can have your boy-toy back once I grow bored of him~."

Oryuu did not move, staring at Medb with the most intimidating poker face, completely changed from the goofy lovey-dovey expression she had before. Not that it fazed the Queen… yet. Medb stamped her foot as she sighed, which summoned a hoard of those sack-heads. Jeez, where the fuck did they come from? It might as well be a Noble Phantasm at this point.

By the way, Robin is gone. Some green-mantled stranger that is definitely NOT Robin, contrary to popular belief, is currently slinking away through the masses of cult men. I don't blame him, though the stranger seemed quite uncomfortable by the copious amounts of movement taking place below the belt-level amidst those men. Maybe this wasn't the best course of action he could've decided on.

Medb's patience wore thin.

"Very well. Since you crave such company, I shall introduce you to my army. They'll treat you well during your partner's absence, I am sure~."

Ryoma sighed and shook his head.

"That's hell you're walking into."

Before Medb could even question this, clouds loomed overhead. The wind blew sharply and howled in the distance. Medb blinked as she looked at Oryuu again… some kinda sinister aura emanated from her has her hair hid her face. The Queen blinked, as Oryuu slowly lifted her head… before-

**"▂▂▃▃▅▅ーーー!"**

[EXPUNGED]

…

Droop…

That was the sound of Medb's dildo-whip somehow turning fearfully flaccid.

"... O-on second thought, Dahag scum doesn't have any place near me. F-Fergus! Take me back to my quarters in Sirrush and you can bone me until I forget about this drivel. Also, you are un-dismissed as my partner!"

She made the steepest of u-turns and scrambled over to her un-exed partner.

"I think that's a new record. Hahaha! Anyway, alley-oop!"

Brock lifted her onto his shoulder as Medb hastily dismissed all her men before they fled the scene… to do god knows what in their quarters. Not like she left it to the imagination.

Oryuu smiled, looking quite pleased with their change of heart. Ryoma shrugged and laughed it all off like some weird joke. Oh, hello again Robin. I must say, that green stranger sure has a way of popping up and disappearing at the strangest of times. Robin turned to Ryoma.

"Okay. You two head back. I have an idiot to find…"

"Want us to help look for your friend?"

"Nah, he's not really my friend anyway. It's just that he'll probably fuck something up horribly if left alone, and that'd be bad for all of us."

"Ah… then you might be in luck. I sincerely believe he is far too incapacitated beyond recognition to even think about committing any such acts anyway…"

"Hey, you're right. I guess I'll bring a stretcher… ugh, making me do more work."

"What a great friend you are."

"Shut up."

Robin wasn't honest at all. Or maybe he was and this Ryoma guy was being very presumptuous.

Either way, regardless of their intentions, they would find Angra amidst a bunch of bushes in a heap. Aside from a serious case of distorted limbs, relatively unscathed too.

"Yeah, unscathed. Aside from the fact that 70% of the bones in my body are broke."

You'll recover by the next chapter. That is the author's guarantee. I'll even let Robin carry you.

With a sigh, he followed the orders of someone somewhere else as he grabbed Ang by the foot and just dragged him along like a garbageman taking out the… garbage. Well, it's not carrying him but it's entertaining, so it'll do.

"I did not consent to this treatment."

They still had work to do, after all. The next name they had to track down was a girl with an exotic sounding name, known as "Mata Hari". Unfortunately, after Robin inquired a little with people yet again, it seems like their leads trail straight into quite the undesirable place…

The Sirrush section of the campus.


	16. Sirriush Business

_Outside the Sirrush building, known as "Nippur"_ …

"… Whoa! I really did recover!"

Rejoice, for our protagonist has made a full recovery. See? What did I tell you? Always trust the author's guarantee. Robin had no words for the display of a miracle that aligns itself with True Magic that had just occurred before him. Thus, he will never mention it. Ever.

Anyway, this place was pretty grand, eh? You could tell you've stepped into Sirrush territory since the pavement is literally replaced with a golden brick road. That's like the high-capitalist version of the yellow brick road. Encrusted with diamonds.

Of course, one could feel the amount those golden blocks were devalued by as Ang stepped on them. He did a stupid hopscotch routine on them as he laughed to himself as if he were causing some grade A mischief. Truly, a few measly golden blocks being tainted is sure to make an impression on the absurd integers of the Sirrush coffers.

Aside from that, the solid gold buildings around them were glistening in the daylight. If you could imagine a city composed of gold that you'd find hidden away under the Earth's crust or something, then you pretty much have Sirrush's school area. So much so that a constant influx of treasure hunters and "hidden city seekers" was a recurring problem for them. The price of vanity, one could suppose.

So what on earth was a Dahag member doing in this place? Well, according to Robin…

"She's part of Sirrush now."

"Hah? Then why are we even here? If she's decided to fuck off and join the moneybag !*#folk over here then let's leave her to it."

"There are so many things wrong with what you just said…"

"Good."

It was so bad even the author had to censor it. For the sensitive souls out there. Ang grinned which just caused Robin to facepalm. Why was he stuck with this buffoon? One that would go to such lengths to make himself come off as more of a scumbag than anyone else. At least Dahag's reputation was already rock-bottom, Ang couldn't really make it that much worse. Oh no, he's gonna try and defy our expectations…

Ang started to run down that path, Robin reluctantly trailing after him as they draw all manner of stares from the Sirrush personnel around them…

Because the best way for a dirty peasant to enter the lands of a noble was right through the front fucking doors.

Unfortunately, Sirrush ponces don't use doors like normal folks do. They use portals. Remember the quarters? Silly Ang didn't realize this as he walked into a wall like an imbecile. It didn't even remotely resemble a doorway, he just walked into it for some reason.

Ah, portals. Inconvenient for everyone else that couldn't use them, but the best thing in the world for those that could. Ang decided to add the portals to the list of things that irked him life. It was quite a large list. How the hell did these guys even get takeout? Can you even bring takeout through the portals? What if the portals only transported authorized things through? Does that mean if a girl wearing unauthorized clothes would come out the other side naked?

These were clearly the real questions to be asking.

"Ew, who let the Dahag roaches in? Their debauched thoughts are leaking all over the place!"

A haughty voice called the two "roaches" out. For at least one of them, that was quite the appropriate moniker. A blonde man dressed in a thick layer of finery stood there, with a violet-haired girl by his side. In contrast to his douchey demeanor, she had the gentlest of smiles on her face… along with pointed ears. Was she an elf?

"Perhaps they are lost, Jason. Should we not assist them in finding their way home?"

"Medea, are you mad?! I do not even wish to be looking at these vermin, let alone guide them to whatever nest they crawled out of. If you insist on it, be my guest! Honestly, you are so unbecoming of the Sirrush standard. You are lucky to be my partner, otherwise you would become lost in the shuffle."

And here we have the minister of douchefuckery, Jason. The captain of the Argofucks. Who were the Argofucks? They were the most prolific sports team in the Academy, and even contended in some of the international events because of their talents. You can probably figure out what they're really called.

The annoying thing was that despite being the captain of the team, Jason never really did anything. He just barked orders a lot and made himself look amazing. People ate right into his act too. Stupid OP Charisma.

If you're wondering why Ang knows all this, it's because Robin just explained it all to him while Jason went on a tangent about how he was the single reason that the Argofucks won last year's volleyball tournament.

"… Anyway, enough about my own greatness. Go ahead Medea, do away with the pests. Do it now before the contents of my stomach eject themselves."

"Yes, of course, Jason-sama~."

The girl called Medea walked up to Robin and Ang. They were kinda suspicious, despite her warm attitude. After all, a staple of Sirrush students was that they always thought they were better than everyone else. That was a matter of fact. Though this girl seemed nice… a bit too nice.

"You must be some of the new First Years. My name is Medea, come! I can at least take you out of here since I think some people might not like you being here."

Ang was about to speak but Robin decided it would be better if he spoke, rather than risk anything coming out the former's trashy mouth. Anything and everything he says can and will be used against them.

"While we appreciate the offer, we'd first like a hand in finding someone. One of our classmates, Mata Hari, should be around here."

Medea kept on smiling. Rather unnervingly.

"… That sounds quite unfortunate. However, I do not think you can do much in that case. If she's here, she's probably come to be part of Sirrush. It's another matter entirey if she is accepted… but if that's how it is, then you have nothing to find here. Now you really should leave, come this way."

Jason shouted from behind her, his voice raised to a high pitch.

"Medea?! What's taking so long?!"

She smiled… harder? Somehow, even though her expression changed very little, she seemed to be smiling angrily!

"Come, come."

She was getting a bit pushy now, even trying to make Robin shuffle along as if he were some rebellious toddler. She didn't touch Ang, just opting to poke him with the end of a fancy golden stick instead. I think that is what you kids call a staff?

"Hey, quit poking me! I'm not some animal!"

They weren't really buying this act, and like proper Dahag students, they rebelliously stood their ground. Ang even sat down in protest and stuck his tongue out. Robin just crossed his arms and looked irritably at them. Medea stopped and then pouted.

"Huff. Why won't you just leave like sensible children?"

The Dahag resistance managed to hold their ground. Jason seemed to be getting riled up at how long this was taking, though before he could scream for the authorities a couple of others showed up to the party. Sure is getting crowded here, eh?

Another duo of girl and pretty boy. A cocksure-looking guy with red hair that kinda resembled seaweed, with a smirk that would make you want to shoot him in the toe with a pellet gun. The girl was-

**FUCKING STACKED.**

In a uniform that was way too tight-fitting around her chest region, it was a curvaceous and seductive beauty with eyes like the dazzling sun… rising up from the horizon of the Himalayas that lay below. Seriously, those things must've been bigger than Ang's head. She let out a cute giggle as she felt the Avenger's predatory gaze upon them. He was, in fact, taking a metric fuck ton of mental screenshots for… future use.

Robin, however, had a much different reaction.

"There she is! That's Mata Hari!"

THAT was her? Ang suddenly straightened up and took on a serious expression. The circumstances had changed drastically.

"We must succeed in our mission, no matter what."

Well, our protagonist is at least filled with DETERMINATION for the first time ever in this story… even if it's literally over tits. We'll take what we can get. The auburn-haired guy stepped forward and scoffed at them.

"Having some problems, Medea? Jason seems as insufferable as ever… maybe you should come cozy up with me instead."

"Hmm. No thanks~. You're a nice guy and all, Perseus… hmm. Actually, no you're not."

That incited a scowl from him as he turned his attention away from the broad who rejected his greatness and instead locked onto the Dahag meddlers. He could instead impress the ladies by beating on these chumps.

Ang was in the midst of uttering "sick burn", but being caught in the middle of the act made him look like a moron. Perseus laughed.

"These cretins are giving you trouble? No need to sully your hands, my lady. I'll take out the trash in your steed."

"Oh really? Why thank you! Come on Jason, let's go back to studying."

Jason sighed.

"Thank you, Perseus. Despite how insufferable you can be, you are quite the ally sometimes. Keep it up and I might even consider you for one of the C-rank teams. Farewell!"

And thus, Jason and his strange mistress left the fray. Perseus seemed pissed as he watched them go, flipping the bird towards Jason when he wasn't looking. Such a gentleman.

"Narcissistic prima donna… I'll show him one day."

"What's up? You the local trash can too? Maybe we can get along."

After all, seems like he was the one who took all of Sirrush's shit, just like Ang took shit from everyone that ever existed. Ang's sarcastic invitation was met with a bitter glare as Perseus suddenly walked up to him and grabbed him. By the throat. He choked as he was brought to his knees. Fuck, can't he take a joke?! Oh wait, he was Sirrush. Of course not.

"Ack?! R-Robin…!"

Yeah. Nothing but a hooded stranger here. Hey, he seemed to be trying to chat up Mata Hari. Oh, he got rejected. Now he is walking off stage…

Ang was now alone.

"I don't know where the other one went, so I'll just give you a double beating. You think you can just make a fool outta me in front of these ladies? Well guess what? You're the fool!"

He was the one making a fool of himself! Ang actually didn't do anything this time!

Perseus suddenly let go, before he smashed into the side of Ang's skull with a right hook. This sent him rolling across the ground and gasping for breath as Perseus raised his foot and brought it down upon Ang's head, pushing it into the ground.

"You're trash that belongs under my foot. That's all Dahag are, after all! That beautiful dame with me made the correct choice in joining me in Sirrush. If you really want her back… then why are you not trying?!"

He kicked Ang in the gut, repeatedly. This was kinda pathetic, though a bit uncalled for. Even the hooded stranger, from afar, felt kinda bad and wanted to do something. Alas, self-preservation instincts were a bitch to deal with.

Once again, Perseus' foot was crammed into the side of Ang's head. He could only look up and meet the hateful gaze of this arrogant asshole…

"Listen, buddy. I'm sure you know this yourself, but… you are the absolute bottom of the food chain. Even in Dahag, I don't think I've ever seen ANYONE so incompetent and lowly such as yourself."

The truth hurts. Especially when it's punctuated by repeated blows from someone's athletically toned foot.

"You're even dirtying the floor with your worthless existence! Eugh, how disgusting! I wouldn't even clean a dumpster with you, hehehahah!"

"Ngh…"

"What? Wanna say something?"

In a half-assed act of mercy, Perse-Arse lifted his foot and let Angra sit up.

"I do…"

Rather than a plea for him to stop or trying to scamper away like anyone with a brain cell would, instead… the Avenger spat on his shoe and grinned with that dirty, tattooed visage of his.

"Your hair's like the pubes of Poseidon, after he's dunked them in Red Hot Cheetos."

Perseus shrieked as he was assaulted by spit. Being Greek and all, he opted to wear the extremely fashionable talaria (which weren't actually his, they're borrowed). Since they were essentially sandals, his pure heroic skin endured the taint of Angra's spittle. The warm, frothy slimed ooze down his precious skin and seeped in between his pampered toes.

"EUGH?! IT SPAT ON MEEEE!"

Ang tumbled over as he started to laugh his ass off. This was rather short-lived, thanks to the defiled foot lunging forth and kicking him so hard that he temporarily acquired the class of "Football", as he flew across the area and smashed into a wall. Of course, the walls were entirely made of divine gold (which is harder than normal gold!) so it was quite the solid impact… he pinged off it like a pog and landed on his face.

Poseidon-Pubes wasn't at all pleased. Maybe it wasn't a great idea to piss off one of the most prolific slayers of Ancient Greece, but damn that burn was sick. That's what Ang thought, anyway. No regrets.

"Ooooh… ohoho! I'm gonna make you pay! I'll torture you to near death and have your barely-living body paraded through the school!"

Such a heartfelt threat… Ang felt quite chuffed with himself, having provoked one of the haughty folks to such a degree. He could die peacefully if it were for that shitty reason…

"Ahem. That's quite enough, dear~."

Perseus stopped, his foot in mid-stomp as he tilted his head back.

"Haa?-"

He suddenly froze, as a delicate hand caressed his cheek… his eyes dulled a bit and he lowered his foot. Mata Hari giggled as she let go of him, leaving him to just stand there as she crouched down and offered a tit- I mean a breast- I mean a hand to Ang.

Seriously, all Ang could see right now was a valley of flesh. It was like the road to Nirvana as he reached forward… right into that recess.

_Grope._

Oh no, he thought. She was going to physically dismantle him now-

… She giggled instead?

"Oh my~.

Mata Hari just kinda stood there, with Ang's hand buried between her cleavage. He knew right now this was awkward, but he kinda didn't wanna pull away… the voluptuous lady smiled and grabbed his forearm before helping him up. And then she separated it from her bosom… farewell, sweet valley…

"I appreciate the forwardness, but I think a few flags are required before you can just do that to girls, no? This isn't an eroge after all."

"Sorry but I can't really look at much else if you have them out like that."

"Well, that IS why I have them out. It works as intended I suppose! Anyway, shall we head back?"

Wait a minute, what the fuck was this plot twist? Ang was severely out the loop, as Robin miraculously appeared before them. He's damn good at that.

"So… that what was what you were waiting for, Mata Hari?"

She nodded her head and reached into her cleavage, rummaging around. Ah, the best storage device. Robin blushed and looked away. Hah, what a loser. After a few seconds of searching, she pulled out a small black device. One could only wonder what else she held within there.

"I was simply doing some… "field research". I think I have sufficient means to get this guy thrown into detention now."

She gestured towards Perseus, who was… still stood there. Was he in a trance or something? His eyes were hazed over. Ang was confused by all this, but rather than mull over it all and trying to fit jigsaw pieces together… he stared at tig ol' bitties and called it a day.

Robin decided to break the ice in his stead.

"What did you do?"

"I was waiting for you to ask that! I am Mata Hari, after all. I can put people into a lovely trance… and then they won't remember anything that transpired during the days nor nights. Such is the power of my dance and body."

"… Is that your Noble Phantasm? I'm not sure that's legal."

"I know~."

She winked and stuck her tongue out while openly presenting her cleavage. A perfect blend of kawaii and sexay. Ang could barely contain himself, and Robin was becoming an awkward wreck.

"R-right… why are you trying to get him into detention? Did he do something to you?"

"Nope. I just thought it would be fun!"

Yup. She was a Dahag, through and through. What a deceptive bitch… Ang felt like he could get along quite well with that sort. Very well indeed…

_Grope._

"Oooh? Both hands this time~?"

Seems like our protagonist is succumbing to subliminal urges, as both of his hands were rather firmly seizing her mounds. The fact that she seemed unfazed by this said a lot about her experience as she wiggled away from Ang playfully.

"Let's go back~."

"W-wait, Mata Hari! What about this guy?"

"My my, you ask so many questions, Robin dear… he'll revert back once the sun rises, worry not."

She twirled around with her arms above her head before facing them and crossing her arms behind her back. She leaned forward.

"Oh! And just call me Maggie, okay~?"

Ang and Robin shrugged at each other. Sounded good to them. And so, they made their way back to Dahag HQ, leaving the bewitched Perseus to just stand there and look pretty for the birds.


	17. This One Comes Before The Next Chapter

_Back at Dahag's building…_

Here's a little something to help you mooks keep count. The class cast was becoming quite large now. To do a headcount and lessen the confusion, we had:

Ang, Robin, Cat, Nobu, Okita, Fuuma, Liz, Zizka, Maggie, and Ryoma, with John and Kintoki as the senior students. That other muscular guy don't count, he hasn't officially debuted yet. Neither has the guy with the mask. Wait, I never mentioned that you say? Forget that. Completely. There is no guy with a mask. None whatsoever.

F O R G E T.

Thus, for the first time in forever, the classroom felt more like it had an actual class in it as people mingled with each other. They were all taking a break since they'd down relatively well in finding a few of the students already.

Fuuma seemed to have taken a liking towards Maggie. You always figured the shinobi was a pervert, though who could blame him? He whipped out a digital camera as he shyly approached the courtesan.

"Please. Allow me to do a ninjutsu-empowered photoshoot for you. For my… uh… movie project."

"Hehehe~. How cute! Sure thing, what would you like me to wear? Perhaps a skin-tight shouzoku? Oh, and feel free to snap some for your "private shinobi" folder too~."

The shinobi blushed brightly, his camera lens fogging up. Seems like he was going to be in for a wild evening… Ang kinda envied him. Nobu barged into the conversation. Quite literally, she dove onto the desk between them and perched herself there.

"Heeey, Maggie! I had pondered your disappearance when we came in together. Nice work on the Sirrush bastard! Mwahaha! Say, how many guys you slept with now?"

"Sixteen!"

" _…_  And girls?"

"Sixteen- no wait, one of them was actually a boy. Fifteen. There was another one that was kind of an anomaly but she was girly enough~."

They chatted away about that as if it were normal, though everyone else in the class was… well, considering they were all meant to be high school students, liberal talk about sexual acts was a bit surprising. Then again, they were Heroic Spirits. Fuck the system of consent. Hence, no one actually cared except Ang and Fuuma, the two of them eavesdropping for juicy details.

Instead, the resident lizard mistress tugged them away with her tail. Oh right, she was a character that existed.

"Little piggies like yourselves shouldn't listen to such uncouth drivel. Here, you may listen to my latest hit song, sure to hit number one in Tristan Records. I call it _… "_ It's Tough Being an Idol-chan~ 3".

Yes, she even vocalized the heart. She seemed to be doing better than she was before. Which meant…oh no she was doing better than before. She inhaled as if to burst out into song, but then-

The door suddenly burst open and an energetic man with long emeraldine hair strode in with a big smile on his face. He was topless (which exposed the rippling muscles that were typical for every new male character showing up so far) and had dirty work pants on, but he had a huge sack on his back that barely fit through the door.

"Hey, boys and girls! I've returned from Mongolia! Now, who wants some fried rice?"

Ang had no idea who this was, but the promise of food seems to have drawn him all attention as everyone crowded around him. He preferred being the outcast in such cases, but he was too hungry and curious to not wander in and have a listen. Plus, it was an excuse to break away from Liz and drown her out in the sounds of the crowd as she sung to herself in the corner.

As it turned out, this guy was called Tawara Touta. He has some other name that was more famous but that was his proper name. He apparently traveled the world at random and brought back food from all those places… wait, he can just up and leave whenever he wants?

"If it's to do something productive that is approved by academy staff, you can leave the premises to do it."

Thanks Robin. Now if only Ang were capable of anything remotely productive outside of school… Touta laughed loudly and made an announcement:

"Alrighty, everyone! Let's get this bountiful lunch started!"

"HALT!"

A booming voice stopped Touta dead, as everyone turned to look into the corridor… and there, in dramatic version, stood an apron-clad John Doe. He was dual-wielding utensils… a ladle in his left hand and a cutting knife in his right.

"You think you can just return like that and take over the duty I established myself with? There can only be one housewi- I mean culinary expert… I challenge you to a cook-off!"

Everyone but Ang gasped dramatically. Fuck no, he wasn't going to become just one of many in the crowd. A cog in the machine, a pawn of the system! No, just no. But he ended up gasping anyway as Liz hit a distinctly high note. He could feel a part of his brain begging to escape the prison that was his skull.

Touta laughed.

"Oh? I must warn you, cooking rice has been my life up until this present moment… some consider me a pro!"

John smirked and brandished his utensils. Menacingly and skillfully. Menaskillfullingly. Wow, that didn't work at all. Let's just ignore that.

"Heh… you say you're a pro. Well, as another pro, I can't lose to you!"

Thus, competitive embers were kindled as sparks emanated from their locked gazes.

Cue epic and amazing VS screen that is also on fire. With thunder and lightning in the background. This was a battle for the ages… one that would decide the greatest rice chef of all time!

The tension of the standoff rose, everything falling into silence. And then, they both declared-

"TO THE KITCHEN!"

Thus they both sprinted to the library, everyone in hot pursuit. The greatest cook-off of all time was about to take place in this old school building! Sucks for those idiots in the other Houses!

Touta and John manned their stations. Ingredients surrounded them all, and everyone else was sat in a conveniently placed bunch of seats. Front row seats and free food? How could this get any better?

Cat was the de facto referee. Mostly because no one asked for a referee and she couldn't keep herself away from the food so she's just there, munching on an oversized carrot.

The cooks readied their tools of the trade…

After gulping down the vegetable and letting out a cattish belch, Cat raised her paws.

"Three! Two! One! Woof!"

And they were off-

[Insert Sh*kugeki no Soma scene here]

It's far too early for a long, detailed cooking battle. So here's a summary:

John lost, cause he tried to make something healthy. Everyone hated it, but Cat ate it all anyway and got a stomach ache. Touta and his Mongolian cuisine of beef fried rice took the gold in today's contest. Hooray for unhealthy eating! Also, it was fucking delicious. Because of his seemingly endless stock of rice, everyone had their fill. Ang crammed as many tupplewares of the stuff into his pants.

That is to say, he had a single meal to take home because his pants were unremarkable by general capacity standards. That was still way more than usual!

It was technically club time now, but Ang had no clubs. That and Dahag did whatever the fuck they wanted so it was basically just free time at school. Before he could go off and probably do absolutely nothing of value, he was stopped by Kintoki who brought him back to the classroom. This reeked of actual importance, much to Ang's chagrin.

"So ya see… sensei has picked you to do something."

"Y tho."

"I know, I know. I ain't gotta clue either, but that's how it is. Ya have ta find the last girl. She's off-campus right now, so you're getting permission to leave during school time."

Ang wasn't one to leap at the chance to have a responsibility, but this kinda interested him. Mostly cause if it was boring, he could just fuck off and say that he couldn't find them. Besides, it was a girl. Perhaps another delightful girl like Maggie was?

Kintoki handed Ang an envelope.

"Here. Detz. Good luck!"

"That's it?"

"Yup. Address and stuff are on there. They'll be expecting ya!"

With that, Kintoki left Ang to think over it. He ripped open the envelope messily and pulled out the partially-torn note. The address was to a place in the Izumo district of Chaldea City, called Munehito-Taisha. Sounded like some weeby place, so it was probably another Japanese girl. Not a bad thing, though.

It was fairly far though, being on the other side of Downtown… where Ang used to live. Oh well, it was more time out of school and it just meant he could return to the quarters straight afterward since he'd likely be out till after home time.

Bidding farewell to the class, Ang set off on his expedition!

_One traveling montage later_ …

He somehow managed to walk all the way there before the sun had even started to set. It was just about home time now. All Ang had to do was waltz in, tell the girl to come to school and fuck off. Easy-peasy!

That said… this place was huge.

He was reminded of Sirrush's quarters, though this place was significantly more oriental. The Munehito-Taisho was an entire estate in this district, walled off by tall wooden ramparts and pagoda watchtowers. The towering gates looked far too sturdy and firmly locked up to just try and barge through… the lack of climbing points scratched off the idea of scaling it too.

Thankfully, there was a general access doorway at the gate's base. Clearly, someone was actually thinking logically when constructing this place. He grabbed the hemp rope of the literal doorbell and rang it a few times.

He waited… and waited… jeez, c'mon! Don't keep an Angryman waiting!

However, he suddenly wished that door had never opened. As it flung itself open (in fact, right off its hinges), the wind was sucked in from the sudden change of pressure. Ang felt his confidence sucked away along with that air… as his knees trembled and he broke into a cold sweat.

It was that woman-

"Haaaai! Tamamo Maya is here~! To rob you of your dignity and pride as a man~!"

**OH FUCK.**


	18. Hidden Dragon

He screamed. In fear. She screamed. In delight. Some passerby screamed to join the trend. Cops were called. World War Three was starting. This was already a fucking mess.

Ang turned and legged it. Except he didn't. He was grabbed by the collar and thrown through the door, knocking the top frame down as he crashed through it and tumbled across a polished stone path. The Ang-made-projectile launched into the area beyond, which was-

Oh, hey. This was really pretty. The gardens inside had sakura trees in perpetual bloom, with paper lanterns lining them. The ambient glow along with the soft shower of cherry blossom petals was gorgeous to behold. Lush, petal-covered greenery, polished stone walkways and

This was not the fucking time.

He clambered up and fled again but she pursued him like the fox she was. She grabbed him by the ass this time. Kyah, bad touch! She ended up suplexing him into a pond. Good thing there weren't any fish in that pond, otherwise Maya wouldn't have just been THE absolute bitch. She would've been the absolute bitch, fish murdering extraordinaire.

Ang was held underwater for a bit, the lack of oxygen turning him a bit blue before she hoisted him out and slammed him against a tree. Boy, she sure enjoyed tormenting him. Is this what tough love was?

He gasped for breath and yelped in shock as a chain clanked off the bark next to his head. Seriously, invest in a whip! It's way kinkier! Not that Ang liked to be whipped, but it would be preferable here!

Maya stood over him, stomping and grinding her heel firmly against his crotch. OW? Or, WOW? You be the judge. She licked her lips.

"Ever since that day… I couldn't ever stop thinking about how you squealed as I kidnapped you. I fapped so fucking hard that night… and each night till now. I'm gonna make you pay for making me so fucking pent-up this whole time!"

Wait wait wait did she just confess something?! Not that it really mattered right now for him, it kinda just went way over his head. At some point, Ang would feel pretty great about a sexy lady masturbating to the thought of him, but right now PURE, UNADULTERATED TERROR was a prioritized emotion. Ang cried in pure fear as the chain was twirled around, threatening to bash his skull in any minute now-

"Cease this tomfoolery at once!"

> **Sudden Scarlet Tamamo used Supremacy of the Home: Pelting… Pillows of Peril?**

Indeed, a bunch of feathery pillows was thrown at Maya. This caused her to stop and look down blankly at the plush devices that now littered the floor around her feet. She twitched at this interruption of her hijinks… Um-

"… Oy vey."

The suddenly debuting Tamamo in scarlet attire entered from stage-right and dropkicked Maya into the pond. The offender in question tumbled and made a splash as she hit her head on some remarkable sturdy rocks.

> **TAMA-K.O!**

This was chaos, and Ang had a very confused boner.

"Uncouth creature. Pick thyself up."

… Oh look, another potential bitch with a pretentious tone of speaking? Was she trying to sound all important? Though, Ang didn't have reason to deny the demands of yet another Tamamo so he stood up.

This Tamamo, clad in a scarlet kimono with her hair fashioned into regal-looking curls, looked upon Ang in disgust. She wasn't like Cat at all, since y'know… Cat was red. There's a big difference between scarlet and red! Like, tomatoes and Scarlett Johansson. Nosebleeds and scarlet fever. It's all different, man.

"This one is Tamamo Dermo. We are the mistress of this estate. Certainly, we were expectant of a courier, but this is… hmph. We shalll not speak any further until you get rid of that distraction."

Oh great, she spoke in third person too. How typically pishy-poshy. She raised her chin up at Ang and looked away, offended. Oh, right. Ang sighed and waited a few minutes for his little man to hype down…

_Boner_ …  _detensifies?_

Okay, that's better. By the way, Maya was zonked out in the pond proper good. That was a seriously strong dropkick. Better not piss this one off!

"As we were exclaiming… you have cometh for your academic associate, yes? Be honored, for we shall take it upon ourselves to personally show you to where you must go."

Despite her haughty demeanor, she was already way more preferable to the psycho-fox-bitch. Though to be fair, any Tamamo that wasn't Cat seemed to just poke at different parts of Ang's negativity spectrum.

"... We said be honored!"

"I'm honored! I'm honored!"

Ang stood to attention, for some reason. What a demanding princess, sheesh. Seemingly satisfied, Dermo led him into the main building of the estate which was a towering shrine-like mansion. It must've had several floors of several occupants… though once he got inside, he noticed the lack of doors on each floor as they escalated sets of stairs. Jeez, didn't anywhere have working elevators?

"So, uh… this is a big place. What's on all these floors?"

"Hmm? Did we ever offer thou permission to asketh questions?"

Did he ever give her permission to speak like a twat? He zipped up, but she carried on to answer anyway.

"… Each floor is for each member of the Tamamo family, totaling at nine. We occupy the entirety of the sixth floor. That is why it is the best floor."

An entire floor for each Tamamo? Wait, there were nine sisters total?! He counted three so far… except one was living with him. That meant an entire floor here was unoccupied, probably.

"You are not allowed on the best floor."

"I get it, I get it. Wait how are we getting up then?"

"Our destination is on the fifth, knave."

No wonder Cat chose to move out, this place seemed much too stuck-up for her manner of living. Though did this mean the last student was another Tamamo? There was some doubt in Angra about that, on the basis of having yet another Tamamo to deal with… hopefully, it would be the "perfect ordinary schoolgirl Tamamo" that Ang could score all the flags with. That's right, all of them.

They arrived on the fifth floor… after passing a room that was labeled "Tamamo Vitch", they arrived at a loooong long corridor. Seriously, he couldn't even see the end of it. Surely he would've seen this from outside, it would protrude out the side of the tower! But hey, what's logic?

"You must venture forth, down here. Go now."

"You're not coming?"

"Hmph. Demanding a lady of my status to cross such a distance on foot… I shan't allow you to carry me either, cretin. I have more important matters to tend to. Like my nails."

And thus, Dermo left. A bit of a bitch, but far lower on the Bitch Spectrum than Maya. Whereas Maya was in the red as a psychosado-bitch, Dermo was only in the yellow-green region. Also known as the "bitchy but probably chill as fuck when drunk" region. Yeah, Ang figured she was a proper loose cannon when she's had a few sakes. She has that air about her.

Ang sighed and wandered down the corridor. It sure was a long passage. Thankfully lanterns on the walls lit his way as he slowly trekked across it… further and further…

…

…

Still walking.

…

…

…

He wondered something. All these fluffy tails and not once has he been trapped in that trance again. Maybe it was unique to Cat? Hers did seem remarkably fluffier than the tails of Mistress Fancypants and Madame Psychobitch.

…

…

What was the deal with milk steak-flavored ramen anyway? The latest promotion puts fucking jelly beans in it. There are some ramen-inspired fads that not even a ramen lover like Ang understood. What, was he still going to cue for about seven hours just to get a sample pot at the midnight launch? Of fucking course he was! Ramen is love, ramen is life. Even if it is a remarkably grotesque gimmick flavor.

… What even was a milk steak anyway?

…

…

Still going, just in case you thought this was actually progressing. Body is tired, eyes are heavy, legs are spaghetti. But he still walks on.

…

…

Okay, I think that's enough. Ang felt like he had just walked from one end of the continent to the other as he panted and finally arrived at a featureless door. Huh, this was where the missing student was? Were they a shut-in or something? It looked like a re-purposed janitor's closet. Actually, he was pretty sure that was exactly what it was. It smelled like cleaning products and… something sweet? How worrisome.

He knocked… no answer. Oh fuck no, he wasn't gonna take that for an answer. He didn't just stroll a Forrest Gump worthy distance to just be turned around here, no sir. Rubbing his hands together, he seized the handle and-

Oh, it's open. Speaking of which, seeing an ordinary door rather than a Japanese-style sliding door was a bit odd. Anyway-

He stepped into darkness as the door shut itself behind him. Of course that would happen. Great… was this a trap? It felt like a trap. He fumbled through the darkness a bit… there seemed to be pillars or something inside, as he carefully trod around them. Yes, he actually manages to traverse this without fucking it all up. Just wait for it, trust me.

Ah, light. There was a shimmering white glow over yonder… it kinda resembled a computer screen. It reminded him of the late nights he had browsing the forums… he approached the light, deftly avoiding dark obstacles in the process.

There was… anime playing on it?

Suddenly, something finally got him. His foot collided with a lump of soft mass and he barrelled over into it-

**CRASH! TUMBLE!**

Whatever it was, it went barrelling over with him as some of the pillars crashed down! The lights miraculously flickered on as Ang could only glimpse at what was about to bury him-

> **INCREDULOUS AMOUNTS OF WEEBISH ROMANTIC MEDIA!**

Manga, anime, dating sims, light novels-

Ang was now buried in them. He could feel all the anime waifus welcoming him home… no no! Not like this! He clawed and climbed his way out of the veritable sea of weebish merchandise that he was now sat in.

Who the fuck has such an unhealthy obsession with romance stories anyway? Probably some shut-in yokai princess who-

"... A-Anchin?"

A girl suddenly erupted from the mess like a fish leaping out of water majestically. She was right in front of Ang now… close enough that he could smell her sweet fragrance. Ah, so that's what that was. He stared at her.

She had cyan-colored hair and white horns… she was dressed in little more than an oversized shirt with some logo of a dating sim on it. She was… really cute. Too cute. Was this a prank or something? Not that Ang would suspect as much, he was currently stunned by the beauty that just emerged from the weeby romantic lake he found himself in. Was this… a possible materialization of the souls of all these games and mangas?!

They stared at each other for a moment.

"…"

"…"

Well this was awkward-

" _KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"_

" **HUAAAAAAAAAAH?!** "

" _ **KYAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH?!**_ "

" **AAUUUUUUURGH!** "

She screamed hysterically. He screamed hysterically. I'm screaming hysterically. Everything is going to hell now. We've been in this place before, on the other streeet~-

She suddenly scrambled back from the strange man in her room but ended up knocking another pillar of DVDs over.

Ang leaped out of the way with his  **A RANK AGILITY,** but his low luck meant that he just crashed into even more weeb shit. Good load of fuck that Agility's doing for ya, boy.

The whole room was a mess, originally. Now it was a colossal as fuck mess. The most cluttered of all colossal-as-fuck clusterfuck messes. The girl shot up and hyperventilated, becoming incredibly panicked from all this as her pupils dilated. Ang emerged from a pile of novels and blinked.

"H-hey, I'm just-"

This seemed to suddenly be escalating. She screeched like a fucking banshee as suddenly she erupted into azure flames. Oh god, OH GOD what the fuck was going on-

> **ROAAAAAAAAAAAAR!**

* _Shitty art based on a single eyewitness' shitty imagination._

…

The evening ends.  
The glow of fire shines bright,  
Throughout the city…

There were only two witnesses to that event, neither of which that would ever recall it. A giant fireball, a draconian roar that trembled the entire city. Two severely wounded students were taken to the infirmary at the academy, where they would spend the night…

All Ang would remember from that day on was the terrifying visage of a furious dragon enveloped in tempestuous flames, blazed into his memory and loins forevermore.


	19. Intermission: Welcome to the Ganku Agency!

_In some half-constructed building, Downtown…_

Welcome to the next intermission. In this one, we shall be following the perspective of this gentleman in black. The edgiest motherfucker to ever exist in this part of Chaldea City, so edgy that an aura of pure darkness always perpetuates around him. Yes, here we have:

> **Edgyshit McCrabbyfuck.**

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

No, this is the determined owner of the Ganku Agency; an elite team that solves crimes, odd jobs, and urban legends… just about anything that gets served on their plate, they will tackle with skill.

… Except, they don't really get much in the ways of jobs. No one really knows who they are.

And so, for these segments, we shall be descending into the role of the lead man himself. Close your eyes… and embrace your inner darkness, as we become one with Ganku himself.

You are now Gankutsuou.

Also known as Edmond Dantes The Count of Monte Cristo. You will gladly shoot whoever attempted to call you by your real false name of the past. You decide to do it now before this gets out of hand.

Huh? Wait a min-

> **BANG!**

…

Okay. No more fooling around. This is now YOUR story. No one, especially not an author with a .45 caliber bullet through his skull, is going to say otherwise.

You cast aside the spontaneously spawned revolver, out the window. Were you worried some stranger was going to pick that up and use it for criminal deeds? Of course not. If they did so, you'd actually have a case to work on! Not that you really cared.

You are the infamous Count of Monte Cristo. The King of the Cavern. Edgelord extraordinaire. Damn, this black coffee is fucking good. You sip it as you kick up your feet on your rickety desk. This was the life… you hated it. And that's how it should be because you hated absolutely everything. In hate, there is peace and stability. Two things that made you hate everything else even more. A perpetuating cycle of rancor that refined itself through every sickening turn that it went through. Ain't that just dandy?

_Knock knock._

Of course, it would seem that you were not to be granted a peaceful time of contemplative hating today. Someone has arrived to pester you. Who could it be? Thankfully, you have a magnificently unbearable slav- ahem, COLLEAGUE that can follow your absolute orders or else they will be burned to death by jet-black flames. One must remain professional with these terms, even if they are typically untrue.

A bespectacled gentleman simply sighed and exited the kitchen in an apron. One that you picked out for him. It was great because it had a fake bloodstain on it, to make it look really menacing. Plus, he hated wearing it.

"Jekyll! Answer the door!"

"Right away sir…"

He knew his place, as you sipped your black coffee. Damn it was good. Good, as in, it was fucking disgusting. So bitter that it darkened your expression to become even edgier. But that's fine, that meant it was good. Disgustingly good.

Jekyll answered the door. A screaming child ran in-  _oh god no it was her_. The brat in gothic lolita did a lap around the apartment, screaming her little head off as she clutched onto a wrapped up box. She bumped into the desk and fell over. You laugh at her clumsy misfortunate and decide you should at least hear why she has disturbed your peaceful day before you shoot her between the eyes.

Do not fucking take that out of context, fuckers.

"Monty! Monty! A stranger gave me a gift! But you said I shouldn't accept gifts from strangers! But he forced it upon me! I think I was raped!"

You spat coffee in a fine art, so fine it made a rainbow. You shot the rainbow because it was stupid. Shot it with what, you ask? Obviously your jet-black flames. You threw the gun away, remember?

"Do not call me Monty. Also, I told you not to accept things from strangers. Give that here."

"But it's miiiiine!"

"Alice. Now!"

She jumped and bounced around like a stupid rubber toy as you chased her about, firing beams everywhere angrily. Jekyll sighed and hid in the kitchen as this typical everyday occurrence.

Suddenly the girl bumped into something that resembled a large music box. YOU SCREAM AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS AND SHE STOPS DEAD. That is a very sensitive piece of equipment! It was the Concetta Concepción, an artifact possessing power equivalent to that of the Age of Myths! It is a precious treasure that enforces a certain "concept" in reality, something like a "predetermined phenomenon". You don't actually know how it works, or why it exists and why it's tied to you, but it involves some space-time shenanigans so it's bad to even think about doing anything with it!

There was a long pause… the jukebox clicked and started to play a simple yet elegant jingle.

Well, you assumed it was fine. It did that every now and again, but you assumed that to mean that it was still functional. AKA, it was still enforcing whatever concept it was built to enforce. Which was fine and dandy.

You caught the girl by the collar, like a stray cat. The child called Alice pouted and plopped the box on the desk as instructed. You decided to take one for the team and risked your time and resources to investigate it.

"Jekyll, investigate."

The reluctant gentleman picked up the box and opened it up. Within was a note.

"It says-"

Stop this madman right now! With a single command, Alice torpedoed into his gut and sent the note flying into your grasp. You snapped it out the air, in fact. Ignore the fact that searing hot coffee was spilled across your lap as you made this drastic move. Maybe you should've finished that.

"Ahem."

You read it out. You're too badass for a prolonged speech though, so you decide to summarize it in an enclosed, apparent monologue instead. It was a plea for help. None of the clocks in a house are right, and never become right no matter what they do. They suspect foul play.

Most interesting. You are in deep thought over this. Less about the potential investigation and more about the fact that you lack any clocks whatsoever in this place. Maybe because you hated clocks and procedurally destroy every single one you come across?

No, wait. That's a trope occupied by another character already. One that you are totally not ripping off with your entire attitude and set-up right now. You actually adored clocks, because they kept the time. And time was a valuable resource for one that waits and hopes as much as you do.

"OW FUCK!"

You sprung from your seat and wiped yourself off, as the hot coffee finally took its toll on your poor lap. The depths of Chateau D'If were nothing compared to this. You snapped your fingers.

"Jekyll! I require pants!"

"… Pants?"

"Yes. Pants, pronto. The coffee is burning me and fuelling my soul with infinitely more RAGE."

The black fire was practically leaking out of your soul. Jekyll nodded and fetched a change of pants for you. Without further adieu, you cast those sodden things out of the window. Jekyll gasped. Perhaps at the way you just carelessly discarded a precious piece of clothing?

"Y-you pervert!"

He put his hands over Alice's eyes. What's his problem? She was used to seeing you in your underwear. Nothing weird about that whatsoever. But the way he was hovering his hands over her face like that… oh how scandalous! Clearly he was avoiding direct contact because he was self-conscious of his own child-licking tendencies! The fiend!

Sadly, he was your fiend. One of your best fiends, in fact, as much as you loathe to admit it. You slipped into the new trousers without issue and order Jekyll to stop molesting Alice.

"Jekyll's a pedo! Pedo! Pedo!"

Alice started singing in annoying fashion as she twirled around the room. Ganku grabbed Jekyll and pulled him over, while forcefully requesting Alice to stop acting like a brat and come over as well.

"We have an investigation on our hands! We must ready ourselves for departure!"

Alice and Jekyll looked at each other, and their eyes widened. They both said in unison:

"An actual investigation?!"

"Indeed, my dysfunctional compatriots! There is a clock vandal on the loose, and we must do our part in finding them! And killing them horribly!"

"… Sir, don't you mean "capture them"?"

"That too! I'm fairly sure it's dead or alive."

You lied out your ass. You just really wanted to use your cool edgelord powers to completely obliterate someone in legal fashion. The lawyers can bail you out again because otherwise, you'll kill them too. You are quite sure that killing people is the way to solve problems. The best way.

Regardless, the quest was on. Donning your trademark hat and mantle, you proceeded towards the door. Jekyll and Alice left ahead of time to prepare at the location. All you had to do was turn the handle and away you go.

_Click…_

Except…

_Door handle noises intensify_ …

The door was locked.

When you told Jekyll to lock up after leaving, surely he didn't-

Oh of course he did. The bumbling buffoon. You facepalmed so hard that you gave yourself a concussion. Except you have spontaneous edgelord regeneration so you immediately recover from it, enough so to make you regret everything in your life until this moment because you just fucking concussed yourself.

You tried the door. It was locked.

You punched the door. It was locked.

You kicked the door. It was locked.

You told the door a joke. It was locked.

You performed an interpretative dance for the door. It was locked.

You decided to not do anything to the door. It was locked.

… What, were you expecting ANY of that to work? Rather than try to logically figure out a solution to this predicament, you decided to jump on the desk and make angry teapot noises as you shot laser beams everywhere. Jet-black laser beams, cause you have nothing but darkness inside you.

Wait a fucking moment. Jet-black fucking laser fire beams. Of course. You had a eureka moment and complimented yourself in the mirror for a bit before you faced off against the door. With all the tempestuous enmity welling into your fingertips, you thrust forward and blasted that damn thing!

_Bounce._

Oh fuck laser beams going everywhere. You forgot that you covered that door in "Anti-Jet-Black Fire Laser Beam Protection Coating". Why does one ask? Because you knew with your edgy intellect that the odds of a doppelganger with the exact same amount as prowess of you turning up to really fuck up your day was too high to let go by without doing anything. Thus, you installed such countermeasures against that scenario. And Jekyll always said getting third party insurance for the agency building was more important… pah! What did he know?

By the way, that laser bounced and struck the space above you. The ceiling felt quite hurt by your display of sheer anger. That, and you just shot it a fucking bunch earlier as well. It decided to give you a friendly pat on the back to help you feel better about your festering wrath. Conveyed in the form of gratuitous amounts of heavy plaster pinning you down. You fester furiously in the pile of rubble.

Will you ever escape this prison of your own doing? No, the pile of rubble. And the room. Not your soul. Fucking edgelord. Will you be able to get to the investigation site on-time? Will Alice choose to buy the white chocolate or the milk chocolate?

Would you like to continue right now?

…

Well too fucking bad. I've let this tomfoolery go on for long enough. I ain't dead, and it's too early to be tuning into these lunatics, so back to our regularly scheduled ordinary school life!


	20. A Lot Of Stuff That Happens Pt.1

_In Dahag's "music room", which was actually it's infirmary…_

The sun of dawn rose and flooded the medical room with morning sunlight as a day commenced. On this day, however, there were already two patients sleeping soundly in the infirmary…

A girl and a boy lay there, miraculously healed of the injuries they withstood the previous night. Perhaps it was the work of some author intervention, or the school medical staff were that damn good… I ain't taking any responsibility for this, nope.

After a few minutes, the girl was the first to rise as the morning sunlight shone over her face. She rubbed her eyes and looked around. This was, of course, Kiyohime. A lonely dragon-girl or girl-dragon, whichever floats your goat. Her reason for being lonely was the absence of the element known as "Anchin". Without this element, Kiyohime had little to no capacity to function as she usually would and resorted to nothing but weeby romance stuff to try and fill the void…

Why am I providing the bountiful wall of exposition? Because our protagonist is currently asleep and there was nothing better to pass the time. I bet you were wondering why Kiyo was a NEET, eh? There you fucking go!

Anyway, that was how she was in the past. But now… she might've just discovered the element she was yearning for.

"A… Anchin…?"

She hopped out of bed and snuck over to the one Ang lay in. She loomed over his sleeping form… like some kind of boogeyman (except infinitely sexier and more stalkerish), her expression darkened out by the sunlight silhouetting her. Ang's face contorted into something uncomfortable. The poor boy was having a nightmare of sorts. Probably one with a dragon biting his dick off or something. Look man, I just watched the sixth episode of K*lling Bites. Reptilian-related penis mutilation is trending in the mind right now.

Kiyo… smiled. She giggled, and then laughed to herself as she repeated it to herself. Like some kind of cultish chanting…

"Anchin… Anchin… Anchin… he's come, he's come! I'm gonna coooome~!"

A maddened expression adorned her face as she leaped up and dove into the bed, skillfully managing to slither her way under the covers (and out of her kimono) as she snuggled right up against Mr. Lucky Protag. She nuzzled into his neck a little while making all manner of lovey noises… before she straddled herself on top of him.

"T-this is it… yeeees… Anchin-samaaaa~..."

Parts of her pale skin glistened in the streaming daylight, the bed cover loosely draped over her bare form as she lurched forward. Her silky hair hovered over Ang's face, her warm and fragrant breaths wafting over his grimacing, dreaming features… she puckered up and closed in for the kill-

**SLAM!**

"Okita-san is here! In the infirmary! Because that is my entire gimmick!"

Kiyo's head turned. She waved her hand dismissively.

"No, no. This is the music room. Leave."

"Oh okay."

They stared at each other for a moment. Okita blinked. Kiyo blinked. Okita's eyes widened. Kiyo's eyes narrowed. Okita screamed. Kiyo grimaced.

"R-RAPE! THERE IS A RAPE IN PROGRESS! AH, CHRONIC ILLNESS INTENSIFIES-"

Spurts of blood burst from her throat and nose as the force of it propelled her back into the corridor. This girl was making too much noise! She was gonna wake up-

"Nngh… the fuck… who's this broad causing bad dreams on my chest-"

Ang's eyes opened. He saw this… naked girl sitting on his abdomen, her face so close to his face. If he sat up, he could just claim her right now. She smiled sweetly at him, readying herself for that to happen. Except…

" **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!"**

He screamed in sheer terror, as Kiyo looked on all confused. Ang entered a state that was the opposite of heated arousal, his anti-boner causing little Ang Jr. to retreat so far that it was like the world's most timid turtle. He felt his spirit shrivel up as he somehow slithered out from underneath Kiyo and rolled off the bed.

Conveniently, he became tangled up in Kiyo's clothes as he huddled up at the other side of the room, leaving the bemused naked girl-dragon in the bed.

More visitors dropped by to see what was going on, in the form of Nobu and Cat.

"Cat heard Angryman screaming- Hoooo! It's Kiyo-tan! What's Kiyo-tan doing here?!"

"C-Cat?"

Kiyo was a little overwhelmed by all of this going on as she meekly covered herself up. Before she or Ang could say anything, Nobu suddenly flew across the room and dramatically super-kicked Ang out the window. Did I mention the infirmary was on the second floor? Glass shattered as he was sent hurtling out. Don't worry, Kiyo's kimono was left behind intact as Nobu collected it.

"Damn pervert! I knew you were a pervert!"

"YOU MOTHERFU-"

_**Thud.** _

He'll be back. Until then, we have three girls. Not four, cause Okita is fucking dead. RIP. Instead, we have a trio of oddball ladies exchanging some friendly banter.

"Eh? You were going down on him? No way! Oh well, it was fun kicking him like that. Now I have a reason to kick him at every turn!"

"P-please don't bully Anchin…"

"Ah? His name's Ang, but close enough!"

Cat grabbed Kiyo's dainty hands with her fluffy paws and her eyes sparkled.

"Cat did not know Kiyo-tan was a creature of the outside world! She is out of her natural habitat, facing down the world and its perils! Have you come to become my sidekick in the quest for the Golden Cat-Food Tin?!"

"N-no… but it's nice to see you too, Cat~."

"That's a shame, but it is fine. Cat gave up long ago… instead, the Rainbow Leviathan of the Deep is what Cat seeks in life now!"

What transpired was to be the absolute girliest girl talk-off of all girly girl time. I am not a girl, so I lack sufficient capacity to understand the ways of such things. Yes, this comes off as mildly sexist. Maybe I should just move on and deny any charges of that kind against me.

…

Hey, Ang's a cool guy. Let's tune in with him.

… _mmph._

Yup. He's pretty much buried in the dirt there. He's not gonna be able to get out of there anytime soon. Thankfully, there seems to be an aide on the scene as a curious creature made its inspection.

"Huff… scaring me like that by just falling out the sky like a dead bird. Honestly, I almost wet myself!"

The operatic lizard seemed to have been practicing a recital out here in the central courtyard. One should take note that all kinds of plants were wilting, opting for the easy way out of their non-sentient lives. The local fauna had also since vacated the area, for obvious reasons. Well, except this one buried four-feet under, of course.

"Oh dearie me~! I suppose this noble idol will have to stoop to your peasant level and assist you out of this dilemma, hmm?"

Good a helping hand as any as she rubbed her hands together, bent over and tugged on those legs. Damn, Ang was stuck in there good. Even with her draconian strength, Liz was having trouble. Also, she was giving a prime panty shot for a certain shinobi hiding in nearby bushes as shutter noises quietly echoed away. You could always count on a  _ **fucking**  _ninja to be on top of things like this.

Wait, this piece of trash really wasn't budging. Even with super idol strength?! Come on, you stubborn weed-man. Get out the fucking ground!

Unbeknownst to our "savior idol", Ang was clutching onto an underground rock for dear life as he felt himself being tugged on by the lunatic lizard. He really didn't wanna have to deal with that right now. He was trying to enjoy an honest dirt nap, not become the first-row victim of death by earrape.

"… Nggghaaaah! Fine, be like that!"

She actually thought she'd save someone in distress and try this cool thing she heard about on the web called "making friends". Seems like she was just too good for anyone after all! In dismissive fashion, she swiped her tail and smashed Ang. Somehow, this is what dislodged him from his semi-subterranean refuge and sent him cartwheeling back indoors. Yes, he was still clutching the rock. It is now equipped onto him as the Craft Essence, "Non-Descript Rock". Only a one-star, which fits Ang to a tee.

Thankfully, there was a locker to stop his momentous entry into the building. Unfortunately, it was a locker. He ended up breaking the door off with his somehow uncrippled body as it fell off its hinges in the wake of the impact. Most of it was probably the head-sized rock he brought with him. Ahem, sorry. The "Non-Descript Rock". He shook off the dizziness from all that and looked at the locker. Oooh, open locker. How scandalous!

Wait, why was there a lone locker here in the hallway? Come to think of it, this place didn't have any lockers. Not that Ang had any possessions anyway (which he was meant to receive upon enrolling her, might he add).

Clutching his precious rock companion tightly, he inspected the open locker. It was dark as fuck in there. It was almost as if-

_Trip._

Oh for crying out loud. Yes, it actually was deeper than it looked. You didn't have to try and fucking the enter the thing, idiot. People store ripe sweaty socks and tear-sodden love letter rejections in those things, why would you put your face into one? Anyway, Ang was now tumbling into an abyss of sorts. Who would've thought that on this day he'd be eaten by a fucking locker?

He landed, the light pouring in the entry point he made from above. It just a few meters above him but it felt like he fell for ages. He brushed dust off himself and wandered around in the dimly lit darkness. Was this the cellar or something? It felt and smelled like one. He knew a thing or two about dark, out-of-the-way places like this… like his own empty heart. Dear lord, the edge was profuse. He even cringed at himself for that thought. Nonetheless, he could traverse the pitch black room quite well without any mishaps.

Eventually, he found a set of stairs that led upwards…

He emerged into the hallway again. Wow, what a pointless endeavor that was. He looked back, and the door said "Men's Toilets". Ah, so it was the cellar indeed. He thinks, anyway. He turned again and looked… to see an empty corridor with a broken locker door on the floor. wait, where did that locker go?

You know what? Let's just forget the locker ever existed. Yes, ignore the presence of that broken door on the ground. That was, in fact, a really funkily-designed boogie board. He decided to stow it away in his Craft Essence inventory. What's that, you ask? Haven't you played FGO? That's where you store Craft Essences, duh. This "Not-A-Locker-Door Boogie Board" would surely be useful at some point, even though it was just a two-star.

But yes, locker never existed. This building was weird, let's leave it at that. He left the hallway and made his way back to class, for lack of a better sense of direction at the moment.

However, he was stopped just outside the classroom. More obstructions, he thought. Though this one was actually quite… official. He gulped. He felt a tinge of what made him fear Tamamo Maya in the presence of this person-

She was obviously a teacher, dressed in a tidy formal outfit that resembled that of a secretary, finished off adequately with a reserved skirt that ended at the knees and a pair of reading glasses. It wasn't scandalous or anything, but… it did hug her curves quite nicely. And boy did she have them. If it wasn't for the fact that her expression was scary as fuck, Ang might've oggled a bit longer.

Okay, maybe a bit-

"Ahem."

"Y-yes ma'am!"

Her words were like a whip cracking against Ang's inadequacy. Some semblance of "wanting to be tamed" roused up deep inside him but now wasn't the time for that. The teacher, with eerie golden eyes that almost glowed and silvery hair tied in a bun, gave our protagonist the most condescending gaze of all. She was Carmilla-sensei, a woman so uptight about regulations that she need not introduce herself. Since y'know, Ang should've heard about her by now.

"Why are you not in class?"

"A lizard was interrupting my dirt nap."

"… Huh?"

Carmilla seemed genuinely bewildered by that, as she blinked. She clicked her tongue and pointed towards the door.

"Just get into class. I loathe enough the fact that I must interact with you disgusting children, but that is how i have been positioned… don't make it any worse for me, or I will show you what hell really is."

Ang was fine with those terms. He obediently entered class. While messing around with a teacher was fair game, especially when they made themselves so ripe for the taking like that… it probably wasn't a great long-term investment for him right now. Unless he was keen on a future of cold iron spikes piercing his every orifice.

Everyone was actually gathered there, just like before. Except, y'know, with all the new additions now too. Except Liz, for some reason. She was notably vacant from the premises, and notably, no one cared. Not even Carmilla. Talk about harsh.

As soon as Ang sat down, he had a dragon on his desk. Oh no, he forgot about this problem. He reeled back, and she leaned in while giggling.

"Morning Anchin~... oops, I mean Ang-kun~. Did I scare you this morning? I'm sorry about that, sometimes I just… let myself go~."

"N-no mind, no mind!"

He broke into a cold sweat as he tried to abscond from this, though there wasn't really an escape route from his desk. She was weird. So weird. After what happened last night… who knows what happened? Maybe she knew, and maybe she was secretly so pissed off with him that she was going to devour him when no one else was looking. Like she tried this morning?

Shit's terrifying. Ang was living a horror film of his own delusions as he slumped in his seat like warm jelly. Thankfully, a saving grace came in the form of Carmilla, who ordered Kiyo back to her seat.

"But I belong here, sensei. We are fated, he and I-"

She was picked up by Carmilla, by the scruff of her neck. Either she was really light or Carmilla was really strong. Both were possibilities here, as the kicking and screaming dragon was hoisted to the other side of the classroom.

Carmilla returned to the desk at the front and cleared her throat.

"Now with that silliness out of the way… cretins of Dahag. You have duties to tend to in the coming weeks, and I am here to enforce that upon you. The school festival is fast approaching, and Dahag WILL contribute this year. Abstinence is unacceptable."

Where was Kintoki bro when you needed him? Probably off doing important stuff at the most inopportune of times, as was per usual.

"I've already informed your seniors of this, they are handing the reins to you freshmen this year. Think of it as your first joint exercise in this academy."

The scumbags sold them out, as a wave of anguish swept across the classroom. They would surely enact their revenge by making them help out with the most terrible things… if there's one thing Ang knew how to do, it was carrying out good ol' acts of vengeance. Avenger class boons are pretty rad like that.

Nobu suddenly shot up from her seat, before she stood on the desk. Carmilla threw chalk at her.

"G-get down, you vile beast!"

Nobu deflected it with ease, however, as she suddenly gained  **Protection From Arrows: Chalk A**. You have just witnessed a rare phenomenon of spontaneous skill development, an unusual occurrence only seen in the world of Chaldea Academia. It's also a fancier way of saying that projectiles weren't Carmilla's strong-suit.

"Mwahahaha! Firstly, no! Secondly, this sounds like a job for me! Let's get ideas rolling, people. Dahag will burn their brand into the Chaldea Academy Festival, and it will glower with our fiery passion!"

Murmurs spread across the classroom as Nobu took lead. Carmilla relented and offered the stage to her as the fiery gamer girl jumped over to the front desk.

"Oi. C'mon, stop dragging your feet in the mud. This is the ripest of opportunities to fuck the other Houses up after all! In legal fashion too!"

Now that got some cheers going. Carmilla facepalmed.

"This is going to be on my resume for the rest of my life…"

All business and no fun. Tsk tsk, sensei. She will learn the Dahag way eventually. That's how it sometimes had to be. Not for Ang though. He was born into the Dahag way, even if he didn't know it until he joined this academy. It was probably written down somewhere. Dahag and Ang shared some kinda fate, that much was certain.

"Fine. If Nobunaga is the one rallying you all, then she can be the class representative."

One could question why the class needed one of those when they had Kintoki. Turns out that there was some actual structure to the way things were managed here in the school. While Nobu rallies everyone, let's have ourselves a nice little exposition session on "politics" in Chaldea Academy.

If you don't actually give a damn about this then just skip ahead.

* * *

 

Oh look a diagram. How snazzy. Anyways, rather than have a vice-principal, there are a number of teachers that have a higher position than the others. These are individuals Merlin appointed as the "leaders of leaders", so to speak. When stuff becomes relayed from down below, they are the ones that usually come to a final consensus since the principal is irresponsible and is always out on walks. Sometimes, however, the principal will pitch in and declare a "final" final decision. Usually for important matters since he's clairvoyant or something.

The position of teachers are pretty self-explanatory, so after that, you have the Captains of each House. Each Captain can also appoint themselves an aide. This is more of a tradition than an official role, except in Sirrush's case, because they're privileged as hell and fuck you, poor folks. Also, Gilgamesh is just kinda there. He's a fucking megacorporation CEO, so he does and says whatever he likes and usually, people will agree.

Anyway, Captains are in charge of managing the official business of a House, with the assistance of an assigned teacher. They're basically like "teacher's assistants", at the end of the day. Except when it comes to matters in the House, then the role is kinda reversed. It's probably easier to say that each House is managed by a Captain and a teacher. They are also the members of the Student Council, though they don't have the typical roles a Student Council would usually have.

As for organizing the students themselves, some of this falls to the Captain. As you've seen, however, he's not always around, so an independent role is required entirely for student interests. This is the class representative, and they will select a vice rep to assist them. Unlike aides for Captains, this is a requirement in the system because kids are stupid and need all the help they can get. Even though Captains are technically kids too, but semantics.

Every month, the Captains will attend a meeting together (often headed by Sirrush's Captain) in the Student Council office on the main campus. Captains can bring an aide, class rep or vice rep with them to these meetings. This is purely down to availability and discretion.

Note that when it comes to class plans and permissions, only a Deputy can officially approve it. For minor stuff, none of this is required (like domestic problems, these are delegated to the Captains instead). Rather, it's more along the lines of plans that involve the domain of a House, expeditions involving the House (like a field trip) and the appointment of new Captains. When it comes to school event submissions, such as what these lot will do for the upcoming culture festival, the Captain files a report to the Deputies after convening with the other Captains. The Houses must reveal what activities they will be doing in these events since they are joint efforts (as much as they'd like to make them competitions).

* * *

**TL;DR:**  This is pretty boring stuff so you'll probably come back to it later when you actually have questions. Or forget/ignore it completely and complain later about school rules making no sense. Either one is fine.

How does Ang know all this? It was in the pamphlet, duh. Maybe he had trouble reading sometimes, but there was an audiobook too! Seriously, y'all should know these things already.

"Weakling!"

A voice interrupted the exposition and called Ang out as he stood up in his seat. It was just on reflex, as he wondered why he was being named by Nobu. He kinda just accepted that nickname by now.

"Good answer! It's settled!"

Wait, what?

And thus, Ang was named as the Vice Class Representative.

"Wait hold on a second!"

He was so thrilled with his new position of academic responsibility. So much so that he was now rolling around on the floor, spitting out profanities in sheer JOY. Good thing Carmilla is here to straighten him out with a well-aimed textbook. Hardback, just the way he despises it as he was persuaded back into his seat.

"It is settled. Mainyu is the Vice Rep and Nobunaga is the Class Rep. Now come up with some ideas and report to me once you've decided… in note form please, I don't want any of you on the main campus."

And with that, they were all left to their own devices as Carmilla left the room with all due haste. Nobu kicked back in the seat behind the front desk, reveling in her new position of particular power.

"Right! Ideas, lay them on me!"

A discussion was now underway.

**Fuuma:** "How about a movie theater? It would be the perfect exhibition for my latest work; "Demon of the Blood Moon-"

**Nobu:** "We shall consider it!"

**Maggie:** "How about… "Special Services"~?"

**Nobu:** "No 18+!"

**Zizka:** "It's gotta be tanks. A tank show! Just like T*nkfest!"

**Nobu:** "Who were you again?"

**Okita:** "Shinsengumi-"

**Nobu:** "No."

**Liz:** "Clearly, the only answer here is an idol concert… hosted by yours truly~!"

**Nobu:** "I don't wish to invest in a thousand sets of earplugs!"

**Touta:** "A restaurant! A rice restaurant, at that!"

**Nobu:** "A sensible suggestion for once!"

**Kiyo:** "Photo booth. For couples only, ufufu~."

**Nobu:** "I dislike the face you are making!"

**Cat:** "Scratching posts!"

**Nobu:** "I don't have an appropriate response for that."

**Robin:** "Uh… can't we just be normal and do a-"

**Ryoma:** "Maid cafe."

**Nobu:** "That's it! Maid cafe! Hapless youths in the highs of puberty and early adulthood adore that shit! Great suggestion Robin!"

Robin sideways glanced at the pretty boy, who was giving him a "you're welcome" gesture. Not that he ever asked for help but whatever, looks like the idea was bound to him now.

Anyway, breaking ourselves away from the horrible chat format, this is all stuff that doesn't really matter in the greater scheme of things. They decide on some pretty ordinary events and roll along with them, you know how it works. Maid cafe, haunted house, that kinda cliche shit. If you wanted a BORING ordinary slice of life school story, go back to reading your T*radora and K-*n! Shipfics. I don't actually know if those are a majority thing but whatever.

This was actual school stuff as Ang wasn't really interested. The vice-rep snuck out the room and went on over to the Nobu club to hide until it was all over. Because with new responsibility comes new power. Like the power to decide "screw this plot" and move onto better things. Like checking out Nobu's chill-out space. This seemed like as good a time as any to snoop around the room and see if there was anything scandalous there. Like… wait, did he really think Nobu would be hiding any precious personals there?

Oh contraire, mes lecteurs. Ang was one step ahead of that ball game. Of course a girl would hide their precious personals in a publicly accessible place like this! Such as… the cute kitty cat dating sim that a bad-ass like Nobu would have to hide in order to maintain her brazen image! Or perhaps… a scandalous copy of a sappy soap opera that only depressed adult office workers watch when they get home! Something so depressing mundane and normal… it was so unbecoming of her, Ang was getting all giddy!

Though, his giddiness didn't quite last as reality betrayed expectations. Nobu was pretty honest about herself so Ang literally found only typical things. Random video game cartridges, gaming magazines, junk food wrappers… hentai doujins?! Ang felt simply compelled to inspect these closely… he'd never actually read a proper doujin. He only ever saw those random hentai snippits posed in forum threads. Some of them were kinda hot, though he always wondered what the thing was about getting off to drawn pornography…

"Nyuuri Keizoku Kyousha Kikan"? It had an anime girl with big tits on the front. He shrugged. He liked big boobs, so why not? He opened it up and-

**GRAPHIC AMOUNTS OF SEXUAL SELF-DISCOVERY**

Needless to say, something awakened in Ang so fiercely that his "Lil Evil of the World" might've uppercutted him from how stiff it suddenly got. Seems like they only posted the shitty stuff on the forums… this shit was way better than the stuff on late-night freeview. Not that Ang had a TV; he would watch streams of people viewing late-night freeview camgirls and stuff. How ordinary can one get?

Maybe he could… temporarily procure this for future use. Future as in tonight. Borrowing is a word too, but Ang didn't like it because it implied friendly relations. And he had no friends here… acquaintances, sure. But friends? He was way too dickish for that, no matter what has been implied and said in this story so far.

Of course, this scene wouldn't be complete without some form of awkward icebreaker. Lo and behold, Ang had taken his time with this endeavor and the door was slammed open. The meeting had concluded a while ago and Nobu had just stomped into the room.

"Ang! We got stuff going on, I need-"

Her eyes locked onto the bemused Ang, who was just sitting there with an open paizuri hentai comic… legs spread, looking like a primate who had just discovered it did in fact have a penis upon discovering an attractive mate.

"Ah, I seem to be interrupting. Carry on, lemme know when you're done."

… Wait what the fuck. She just sat the table facing away from Ang and whipped out a handheld gaming console. Firstly, Ang was pretty sure he was going to get his junk shot off by a matchlock. Secondly, she didn't seem perturbed at the fact that he was just sitting there with a tentpole in his pants. Thirdly… did she expect him to just do it while she was right there?!

He simply closed the book and waited for it to die down… which took longer than usual cause the thought of actually jerking off in proximity to a girl was oddly enticing. Fortunately, he managed to quell these depraved urges and just sat on the opposite side to Nobu.

"Huh, done already? If you made a mess, I'll shoot it off."

"I-I didn't do anything like that! Besides, isn't your reaction a bit casual?"

"Hmm? My nephew does it all the time. I mean, he doesn't realize I know he's doing it but still."

There are so many wrong things being said in that sentence. But most of all:

"YOU HAVE A FUCKING NEPHEW?!"

"Is that really that surprising? Well I say nephew but he's more like a younger brother since my sister doesn't even live with us. Weird family shit, right?"

"I don't have a family so I don't get it."

"Living alone probably has its own boons too! Mwahaha!"

"No, I mean, I don't have one at all. I don't even know who my parents are."

"Mwahahe… oh."

Way to go. That was a great way to just kill the mood. Though in Ang's rare defense, he was just being honest. When he wasn't an asshole and bragging about his weakness, he was just being honest about it. Of course, Nobu was a stranger to empathy as well. So we have two empathy-inept people just sitting in an awkwardly silent room now. Game noises intensify.

Didn't this just become terrifically typical of a school life story?

"… So what happened in the discussion?"

"I thought you'd never ask!"

That seemed to get things back on track as Nobu put away her game and stood up. Saving the PLOT, like a true protagonist.

"We're gonna be busy this weekend! The festival is starting next week so we've got plans for awesome shit! Haunted house, scavenger hunts, maid cafe-"

"I'm in for the maid cafe. As a patron. Otherwise, why did you name me as vice-rep? I literally don't care about anything. Including you."

"Ssssst. What a sizzling burner at the end of that! Shall I burn you too?"

"Please carry on."

The matchlock aiming at his dome sent a mildly uncomfortable feeling rolling through Ang's stomach.

"I shall! But first of all… chapter breeeeak!"

Wait, you can't just decide that-


	21. Of Little Relevance

… Okay, apparently you can. It's time to put my foot down, I think. Enough with the fourth wall breakages. It's been torn apart and tormented enough as is. Please be more considerate of it from now, you guys… now if you'll excuse me, I must nurse it back to health. Slowly. Poor fourth wall.,. Let the story continue.

"… And that's how it is!"

Oh god damn it, we missed it. Whatever, no one cared anyway. Ang sure didn't, but he asked it anyway to just not remain in… awkward silence.

"Why did you make me the vice-rep anyway? I ain't gonna help with this, y'know."

"That's fine, I wasn't even going to ask. You're useless."

"Then why?!"

"Useless but reliable!"

How in the world she came to that conclusion was beyond Ang. She probably didn't have a clue either and just picked him out at random due to no one else really being eager for the role. Still, if he wasn't being pushed onto any responsibilities, then just having the title was fine.

"Oh, you'll need this."

And just like that, Ang had a matchlock slapped into his lap. It was kinda heavy due to the fact that it was a fucking matchlock rifle, so there was a resounding-

"Oof! … Why?"

"You sure say "why" a lot! If you're my vice-rep, you gotta look the part! Nobu-brand matchlocks are the most badass, yo."

Can't complain there. She just gave him a fucking gun. Ang is now equipped with the three-star Craft Essence "Demon King Matchlock". It was even maxed out, talk about a great deal. He holstered it on his back for later use. How was he able to carry this thing around so easily? Hey, he wasn't so weak that he couldn't do this at least. It was a universal rule that the item that a character wields does not contribute to their overall weight capacity! Well, in some anyway.

After that, they somehow ended up talking about old-fashioned rifles for an hour, though it was more Ang listening to Nobu go on about them. Probably one of her many passions. Time flew by pretty quickly, so eventually, Ang was on his way home once Nobu finally let him go.

And so he was walking home with a rifle on his back, but no one really cared because gun regulations in this city were non-existent. Mostly down to the fact that guns didn't really do anything to most of the city's denizens. Wait, why was this thing useful again? Oh well, it was silver rarity. He'd only consider dumping it if he managed to get dupes.

He had gone home alone since he left before everyone else. Standing in his room with the matchlock, he searched for the trigger… surely Shiki wouldn't mind if he played around with it in the backyard, right?

"… Oh."

It wasn't loaded with any ammo. Nobu didn't really provide any. Wow, was this meant to be for ceremony purposes only or something? He tossed it into the corner of the room in annoyance. That can now be the official "Ang's Junk" pile. Completely disregard what we said about dumping it a few sentences ago.

Now, we shall follow his mundane evening ritual of… whatever it is a low-life Avenger does after school hours. He went to open his closet and get changed-

"Hello sweetie~."

" **GAAAAAAAAAAH!** "

His scream resounded throughout the complex as he found a dragon girl in his closet. He bounced back but she slithered in pursuit, pinning him against the wall.

"Now no one can interrupt us~..."

"Yeah sure! MISS RYOUGIIIII!  **I'M BEING INVADED!** "

This somehow actually worked, as the landlord suddenly appeared in the room and grabbed the surprised Kiyo by the collar. Though, the glint of that knife was pointed at Ang.

"H-hey don't point that thing in me, I didn't bring her in off the street or anything!"

"I know you didn't. She's a resident here now."

Apparently, a new flat had been designated for her, at the other end of this floor. Apparently, the complex had a new flat installed overnight or something. Ang really couldn't be asked to question it right now, especially at knife-point. That just seems like how this complex worked.

"But… we have a policy that forbids the mingling of males and females after a certain curfew, so…"

Kiyo blinked.

"I am a man trapped in the body of a hopelessly-in-love maiden."

"Unlikely story."

Thus, Shiki saved the day and removed Kiyo from the premises. That doesn't count as the first girl to set foot in Ang's room, by the way. They gotta ask or be invited, not just outright infiltrate it! Ang wondered how she even did it in the first place. He made a note to potentially check the floorboards for secret passages later.

"Oh, by the way. The rest of your stuff arrived."

She dropped that before leaving the flat completely. A plain cardboard box was sat in the blind spot next to the front door, which is why Ang didn't see it upon entry. Now changing into his trademark rags, he went to investigate the box for his goods. One could question why he even changes back into rags from an actual outfit. Must be a habit.

Ah yes, nothing but essentials in here. Here we had:

-An old laptop with a dent in it.  
-A half-consumed six-pack of Mountain Dew cans  
-Two dozen Pork Rib ramen cups, courtesy of Rameni Co.  
-A hundred-yen kettle-Several spare sets of rags  
-A set of plastic cutlery  
-Finally, some worn leather book.

One would naturally deviate their curiosity towards the old book. Perhaps it was a hint to his unknown past that he had no recollection of. Perhaps it was a key to some immense potential lying dormant within him. Perhaps it was his proof of inheritance to some ancient power of incredulous magnitude…

No, it was none of these things. According to Ang, anyway. It's just some stupid book that can't be opened no matter what. So by default, it goes into his junk pile. It now has a friend in that pile, so things are more fine than usual. No one will remember that this thing exists.  _No one._

More importantly, his stock of ramen was now replenished. For tonight, however, he had some leftover fried rice to enjoy. Hey, it would spoil otherwise. Ang doesn't mind eating spoiled food, but it's better when its fresh.

As he reheated it by somehow using the cheap kettle in the most abstract of ways, he turned the old laptop on; his key to the internet and the limitless trolling opportunities that came with it. He missed being able to do all this as he logged onto his usual haunt, "Heaven's Fall".

Hm, seems like no one was online. No one that he knew, anyway. This was in a way a good thing, cause it meant he could spend more time trying to find a new person to bully.

Oh look, someone ripe for trolling: 034absenceofG0D. Sounds like someone angsty and perhaps suicidal. The perfect target. Ang opened a chat with him since it was a primary feature on this site to be able to just message anyone you wanted to. It's probably why it was such a hotspot for trolls like Ang.

We might as well be Chaldeastuck now. 

**538zarichthewolf** : hey hey o/

**538zarichthewolf** : wlecome to the site

**034absenceofG0D** : WHO ARE YOU

**538zarichthewolf** : just a friendly lurker. Nice name you got there, does your mom know?

**034absenceofG0D** : MY MOTHER IS DEAD

**538zarichthewolf** : oh shit im sorry. Man she must be rolling in her grave right now

**034absenceofG0D** : WHY

**538zarichthewolf** : because youre such a sad piece of shit that its honestly embarassing to chat with you right now

**538zarichthewolf** : srsly, absence of god? So lame.

**034absenceofG0D** : I WILL HAVE YOU KNOW THIS IS AN APPROPRIATE MONIKER FOR ESTABLISHING A FEARFUL OPINION IN THE MINDS OF OTHERS OF WHO AND WHAT I AM

**538zarichthewolf** : oh god your one of those types. Also caps lock man.

**034absenceofG0D** : WHAT IS A CAPS LOCK. IS IT A LOCK I MUST DESTROY

**538zarichthewolf** : i can tell what youre trying to do it aint working

**034absenceofG0D** : WHAT AM I TRYING

**538zarichthewolf** : oooh no dont play stupid

**034absenceofG0D** : I AM THE ANTITHESIS OF STUPIDITY. I WILL HAVE YOU KNOW MY INTELLIGENCE IS ONE THAT HAS BRAVED THE SPANS OF THE

**538zarichthewolf** : yeah yeah sure. The spans of the aching abyss that is your empty heart. Theres a forum for guys like you

**034absenceofG0D** : WHAT NO. I PRESSED THE BIG KEY BY ACCIDENT.

**538zarichthewolf** : you mean enter?

**034absenceofG0D** : ENTER WHAT

**538zarichthewolf** : omfg are you a moron

**034absenceofG0D** : NO I AM A CHRISTIAN

Turns out, Ang wasn't actually a good troll. In fact, he was being incredibly out-trolled right now. A righteous baiting! He thinks. He's wasn't actually sure whether this guy was just an outright idiot or if he was, in fact, THE master baiter. He just decided to close the tab as someone else opened a chat with him. Unlike this emo maybe-master-baiter tool, this person was one of Ang's online "friends".

By that, he meant someone he wasn't always insulting that he'd met online and has no chances whatsoever of meeting them in person. It was the not-so annoying one too. They were cool cause their number was close to Ang's.

_Ding._

Seems they had similar plans, for they have messaged him first.

**530nosmoking** : where the FUCK have you BEEN

**538zarichthewolf** : oh hey. Going to school and shit.

**530nosmoking** : I thought you got NABBED like a bitch. AGAIN.

**530nosmoking** : wtf you go to SCHOOL?!

**538zarichthewolf** : inorite? Pretty ok tho. Lotsa cuties evrywhere :D

**530nosmoking** : fucking PIG

**538zarichthewolf** : theres a girl that says pig too

**530nosmoking** : oh fuck thats my THING. I guess i gotta say something ELSE now

**530nosmoking** : like like

**530nosmoking** : oh how about NERD

**538zarichthewolf** : old school. I like

**530nosmoking** : hehehehehehe

**530nosmoking** : anyway im sending you an IMAGE

**538zarichthewolf** : wtf is this

**530nosmoking** : this is me BURNING the fucking shit outta YOU

**530nosmoking** : senpai :3

**538zarichthewolf** : i am fairly sure i could consider this is a threat against my life

**530nosmoking** : uuuuh kinda the POINT?!

**538zarichthewolf** : hilarious as usual. And stop calling me senpai its weird wtf does that even mean

**530nosmoking** : it means youre my SENPAI duh. I dunno its some dumb thing that bhole says all the TIME

**538zarichthewolf** : bhole?

**530nosmoking** : 042Blackhole_. My actual REAL-LIFE friend. Gosh youre dumb sometimes

**530nosmoking** : senpai :3

**538zarichthewolf** : ok the :3 is the worst part. Its just weird coming from a dude

**530nosmoking** : for the last time im a GIRL jeez

**538zarichthewolf** : ok sure and im the count of monte fucking cristo

**530nosmoking** : you have the qualifications so i believe you :3

**538zarichthewolf** : im so unbelievably awesome at everything and i get revenge on EVERYONE

**530nosmoking** : hehehehhehehehe

**538zarichthewolf** : anyway imma eat now

**530nosmoking** : send me some

**530nosmoking** : actually if its the shitty ramen, DONT

**538zarichthewolf** : one day i will show you how great ramen is

**530nosmoking** : absolutely NEVER. I hate that shit

**530nosmoking** : actually i hate grilled MEAT even more fuck its GROSS

**538zarichthewolf** : dya even like anythin?

**530nosmoking** : pudding :3

**530nosmoking** : anyway enjoy your food etc

**530nosmoking** : laterz

**538zarichthewolf** : o/

Always a pleasure to speak with "nosmoking". Let's just them Smoke. Just like the mystery of what's in the canisters, that person is just an alias with a personality to Ang. Just like everyone else on the internet and that's how things should be. Otherwise, Ang would have an unnecessary amount of enemies to ruin his life. It was pretty shit already as is. They kept saying they were a girl, but ever since that one time… never. Never again would Ang ever make that assumption.

No, no flashback. It's way too traumatic to recall!

_Ding._

**034absenceofG0D** : DID YOU DIE

**034absenceofG0D** : I HOPE SO

**034absenceofG0D** : BECAUSE NO ONE WILL CARE

**034absenceofG0D** : AND THAT EXCITES ME

Ah, it seems like his new friend had quickly become accustomed to the ways of this site. How fucking terrible.

**034absenceofG0D** : NO REALLY DID YOU DIE

**034absenceofG0D** : I DEMAND A REPORT ON THE DETAILS OF YOUR UNTIMELY DEMISE

**034absenceofG0D** : TRULY IT WILL MAKE FOR GOOD READING MATERIAL TO PASS THE COURSE OF MY AFTERNOON DEFERRAL OF RESPITE

Oh lord, shut up. Ang muted the tab, since blocking people was bad conduct on this site. Take trolling like a man, is the general thing the veteran dwellers say. If you block someone, you are weak. You do not belong. Thus, Ang will never block anyone. He wanted to belong in the same place as these internet heathens.

**034absenceofG0D** : OKAY SERIOUSLY ARE YOU DEAD OR NOT

**034absenceofG0D** : BECAUSE YOU HAVE STOPPED TALKING

**034absenceofG0D** : YOU ARE EITHER CONSIDERABLY RUDE

**034absenceofG0D** : OR CONSIDERABLY DEAD

**034absenceofG0D** : THE FORMER IS A PRELUDE TO THE LATTER SO PERHAPS IT MAKES NO DIFFERENCE

The urge to forsake his membership was great, but he resisted. He made sure to turn off pop-ups for the chat in addition to muting it as he nommed tasty fried rice and watched some cat vines on Youtube, which was strangely not rebranded like other things in the story because it was so widely used that it has established itself a presence in the Throne of Heroes. A so-called "Heroic Application". It's the same case with Mountain Dew, a "Heroic Beverage".

He decided to check the news on HFall after finishing his food. Sometimes there were some semblances of interesting things on there, but usually it was just a bunch of SJW opinions being blown out of proportion, incredibly biased polls that provoke flame wars on the public chats and boring "normie shit".

Unsurprisingly, it's all pretty bland today too. The most curious thing on this page right now was the fucking ad. Ang had ad blocking plug-ins but it didn't really work half the time since everything was updating every hour. It was too much hassle to keep the plug-in caught up with it all.

Ang decided to take a moment and appreciate how mundane his room was. Typically an academic such as him would have a room decked out in all kinds of trendy merchandise and memorabilia. Not Ang, for he was hipster and liked a more "minimalistic" approach. That is to say, he was poor as shit and didn't have much say in how he decorates his room due to lack of funds.

**SMASH!**

To be honest, Ang wasn't even surprised by this. Glass pieces scattered all over the place as he frowned. It was quite typical that to add some "excitement" to this boring scene, something would just come hurtling through his window. He peered out the hole that was made, but saw no one in the courtyard that could be a potential culprit. Unless the trees were growing tired of their existence as inanimate entities. Now that would be terrifying.

Anyway, might as well check what the projectile was. Fortunately, it wasn't anything boring like a plain old rock. It was a plain old rock with something attached to it via tape. Ripping the tape off, Ang received…

A vintage No More Heroes poster.

…

No one was sure what to think of this. Some kinda video game? The guy with the sunglasses seemed cool though. He had a lightsaber or something. Like Star W*rs, except way cooler. He figured might as well not look a gift horse in the mouth and just accept this stranger's gift as he plopped the poster onto the wall and re-used the tape to hold it there.

Now his room felt substantially more ridiculous to be in, but hey. More incentive to maybe go outside and explore the city, eh? Maybe Nobu would know more about the series… or even Kiyo. No, no Kiyo. She would probably try to mount him rather than just listen to the words coming from his mouth. Well, any words that weren't "I", "love" and "you". He got chills just thinking about it.

Oh, the open window? Eh, the breeze is nice. Shiki might get mad but it wasn't really Ang's fault so he wasn't too worried. She seemed like the reasonable sort of landlord when she wasn't threatening Ang with sharp tools of slaughter.

_Ding._

He could've sworn he muted that guy. Maybe the site was bugging out. He checked his tabs and saw a new one that was blank. Usually, this meant a spambot of sorts. Pretty common occurrence, though he figured he might as hell humor himself with the spam message…

**_** : You really should help with the festival, Angra.

…

He looked at the window, then at the door, blinking. He slowly turned his head back to the screen, before carefully creeping his hands over the keyboard…

**538zarichthewolf** : suck a dick fag :oooo

Get a load of that sizzler, cause that guy just got owned. Trying to get into Ang's mind with that cryptic, "I know where you live" jazz? Nah, fam. Ang was one step ahead. He was ALWAYS prepared for the feds to show up at his doorstep, so some closet hacker didn't scare him either. There was one thing Ang could be proud of, and that was the number of fucks he gave about his own security on the internet. He frequently surfed the Alter Web, after all.

That seemed to silence the would-be creep, so Ang left it at that and closed his laptop down. As much as he'd like to waste more of his life away on the internet, it was good sleeping time right now. Hey, school was draining for someone that used to do nothing all day. He flopped onto his futon, checked the closet for creepy stalker dragons and sprawled out before falling into slumber quickly.

The wind whistled at him as it blew through his broken window… in case you forgot about the fact that it was broken.


	22. Just Walking The Cat

_The next day…_

Sitting at home all day long is actually pretty boring. It was just that before, Ang really didn't have much else to do. Since his perspective was now expanded… well, okay. He wasn't really inspired to do a lot and become a better person. He just got really fucking bored after sitting around for an hour. Mostly because no one was online except for that one guy who just kept spamming in all-caps. What a douche.

Instead, he was being dragged along on a walk with Nobu and Cat. One would question why the rep wasn't overlooking the preparations that she set into motion… of course, Ang underestimated the strategic mind of Nobu. Everything was going according to her plans in some meticulously convenient way which allowed her to just organize everything by sending texts out to everyone procedurally. Such efficiency defied Ang's shallow scope of logic.

"Why is Cat coming with us anyway?"

"Because we have to walk our pets!"

Since when was Cat the class pet? Well, not like anyone else was gonna be able to fill that role except maybe Liz. Cats are better than lizards though so this was ideal.

Conveniently, they were making their way through Ang's old haunt, Downtown. This area of the city was considered the lower end of city life, since it was basically where people lived if they had a mediocre-to-low income. That being said, it does host the city markets and has a bunch of independent businesses about… so it's a fairly tight-knit community. One that Ang never cared to be part of.

However, this was apparently where Nobu used to reside too. She lived on the other edge of the district, the side which transitioned into the Izumo district… Ang shuddered, wanting to never go back to that place anytime soon.

Regardless, she seemed to know the area better than Ang did, so he kept quiet about his previous abode there.

She stopped and pointed at something.

"Whoa! That building got fucked!"

Ang looked up and saw- oh. That was his old home, except it was now basically a hole that had been punched into the side of the shoddy apartment block it was part of. No one had even bothered to clean up the mess that the psycho-bitch left.

"I bet we missed something exciting."

"I wouldn't bet on it."

Speaking of which, why were they walking all the way out here anyway? This seemed a bit far for Cat's walk…

The intention became hinted at as Nobu stopped them in front of a second-hand electronics store that was crammed between similarly crummy stores in the shopping area of Downtown.

"Since you're gonna be my vice-rep, you need communications! Therefore I shall graciously invest in a mobile device for you to use. Rejoice!"

She laughed as she tied Cat's leash to a lamppost. Cat tried to wander off but got caught on the leash and flopped over with a woof. She was surprisingly inept at the concept of being bound as she started to chew the leash.

Nobu and Ang left the disgruntled pet and entered the store. Ah, the smell of sweat and burnt-out electronics… how delightfully unpleasant. The tight aisles of the place didn't help with the fact that despite only being fit for single-file traffic, people constantly tried to push past them.

Ang felt particularly ill as a morbidly obese man that had no right to be in a store that size attempted to shuffle past, welcoming the poor protagonist to the splendid world of sweaty globular folds grinding uncomfortably against his entire front. Make it stop.

Naturally, Nobu seemed entirely adjusted to this environment. By that, we mean that she was walking on the shelves themselves with great agility. C'mon, man. The gamer girl was outdoing your so-called  **A RANK AGILITY**.

After much struggles, they reached the back of the store where the used phone section was. Whoever put it here could go suck a million dicks. With mustard, because fuck mustard. That shit was foul.

Nobu picked one out at random and shoved it in Ang's face. Literally. He got a faceful of cheap plastic as he recoiled back and removed it from his face.

"Don't just fucking cram it in my face! What is this even…"

A simple black flip-phone. It looked positively ancient, but functional. No fancy smartphone or anything, like all the cool kids nowadays?

"This fits you to a tee! Simple device for simple man! Mwahaha!"

Couldn't fault her for that opinion. It was pretty much perfect for Ang. Not like he'd have much use for a smartphone. He actually was content with this decision forced upon him, for once.

"Sure. Nice pick."

"Eh? Really? Okay then!"

She really didn't have much faith in that choice. That or she intended it as some kinda joke. Regardless, they trudged through the spatially stingy store and paid the little required for such a shitty device as that, including the pay-as-you-go subscription to DC Mobile. Which was clearly better than the alternative provider, AC Comms.

He fiddled with the thing as they exited the store, somehow turning it on despite the fact that it was straight off the shelf. He didn't question it much as he looked to see if the phone had any old data on it from the previous owner… it seemed like a pretty blank slate, aside from a single encrypted folder. He figured it was the system files or some manner of technojabbery along those lines so he left it alone as Nobu snatched it outta his hands.

"Hey!"

"Man this thing is old! They probably made this when even the Shinsengumi were still relevant!"

The distant cry of a chronically ill fangirl could be heard.

"I'm just punching in my number. It would be pointless for me to invest in this for you if it didn't even have my contact info!"

Once that was said and done, she handed it back to Ang with a firm punch to the gut as she turned to-

Find a severed leash. This wasn't entirely unexpected as she grabbed Ang by the shoulder.

"We have a missing cat! We gotta tell the authorities!"

"... Why not just look for her ourselves? We can pretty much guess where-"

"NO! I have an amazing idea! We should look for her ourselves! Because-"

"Cause why rely on them Shinsengumi bigots, right?"

Nobu's eyes widened and she shook Ang violently. This was immensely disruptive to his senses.

"Not what I was going to say but wow you actually said something COOL! Yeah, fuck the police! Let's not waste any time, they might beat us to it otherwise!"

Like some kind of anarchic kid on a sugar high, Nobu sprung into action as she seized the leash and dragged Ang by the collar with her D3M0NK1NG strength.

"Gack! Why the fuck would they be looking for her?!"

Little did the uninformed protagonist know, the Shinsengumi were well onto the case already… yes, indeed, it was the infamous "Saberface Ahoge Sensor" at work. The strand of hair was twitching erratically, and Okita was screaming.

"I-IT'S DOING IT AGAIN MAKE IT STOP!"

Before she could do her trademark blood spurt, she was smacked on the back… which somehow made her better as she yelped and turned to see John Doe. A spontaneous medical tablet appeared and popped itself into Okita's mouth to help with the illness.

"Worry not, it simply means that an important event is taking place. We must act."

Oh hey, the tablet was raspberry-flavor. She suckled on it and wondered where the hell it even came from… it could've been poison! Nah, something so deadly wouldn't be so delicious as smiled in content.

"I can see it with my enhanced vision… there is a missing pet. We should investigate."

"B-but Mr. Doe, we should leave that to officials. Like the Shinsengumi!"

"Then consider us interim Shinsengumi officers!"

He smiled at her but she threw up an X-sign with her arms.

"Impersonating law enforcement officials is strictly prohibited and is a punishable offense!"

"... Okay, we're just a couple good-willed volunteers that aspire to be like the Shinsengumi?"

Okita's eyes sparkled and her ahoge sproinged up in glee.

"That's music to my ears! This will look so GOOD on my application! Let's go let's go!"

And so, a new search team was formed. With wrought iron speed and shukichi-enhanced agility, they rapidly made their way for Downtown.

Unfortunately for them, they forgot to get permission to leave. Despite being too fast for the perimeter defenses to pick them off, a certain eagle-eye was able to track them and pinpoint their destination… as the Urukorp CEO watched the surveillance monitor.

"Interesting… Asako!"

With a snap of the fingers that sparkled with prestige, a shadow emerged from behind Gil. A woman in an all-black suit with a skull mask and purple hair tied into a pony-tail. She kneeled before the CEO.

"Find an accomplice. Follow them and ruin their intended prize. That shall be a suitable punishment."

"As you wish."

And just like that, the brief exchange was over. Whatever was on the CEO's mind was certainly something of complex connotations, of schemes and intrigue that only a business owner such as himself could possibly comprehend…

"Even in this world, I shall make you suffer, Faker!"

Or not.

Returning to our main duo, Nobu had somehow managed to trace the Cat's tracks into a nearby park. She called it "Oda Intuition", but it was probably just her Tenka Fubu at work since Cat had traces of Divinity. You can't just make that shit up on the fly.

"Look, Cat tracks!"

She approached a decimated tree and inspect a single splinter from its massacred mass. This probably constituted more than just a simple "track". Perhaps Cat was hungry and was going on a hunger rampage. What a scary thought.

"I knew I should've fed her beforehand!"

"So this is your fault?!"

"Mwahaha! It cannot be helped!"

Catchphrase. Regardless, the search continued. The trail led to various other crime scenes… including a toppled snack wagon and a pond that had its population of aquatic life extinguished. It was nice to have a bunch of reminders that Cat was, at the end of the day, a Berserker… so spontaneous sprees of madness such as this were not too unexpected.

Still, she could've picked a time that didn't coincide with Ang being around to assume responsibility for the damage she caused. They left the park and found a haunting trail of-

"Blooood! A trail of blood! This is a great lead!"

Ang crouched down and put his finger in the red stuff… and licked his finger. Nobu recoiled.

"You wretch! Are you a vampiric entity too?!"

"It's ketchup."

Ang knew the look and smell of blood well, this wasn't it. He figured Nobu would be familiar too, but apparently not. That or she was just being silly. She slapped him on the back.

"As expected of my vice-rep! Astute observation. We must go deeper."

Deeper into what? This wasn't a mystery, it was just Cat flipping the fuck out cause someone forgot to bloody feed her!

Despite the best intentions of our second team, they were on a completely different trail. They had arrived at the blown-out apartment that now seemed void of a resident. John investigated some of the leftover trash while Okita just peered out the hole in the building.

"Fairly high up, an ordinary person would perish at this height… why are we here again? I don't see a lost pet."

"Clearly, the pet has been kidnapped."

"Kidnapped?!"

This was what John's keen intellect had concluded, from the most insignificant amount of irrelevant evidence. He was taking this way too seriously, like some kinda… ally of justice. Pssh.

He grimaced as he fished out an empty ramen bowl from some rubble.

"Only someone as despicable as to consume such bland strands of saturated gruel on a regular basis could pull off a petty stunt such as this… thankfully, his former abode here leaves many leads for us."

"It does?"

Okita questioned the strange man's logic as she stepped on something squishy… ew, a sweaty sock. She tried to shake it off but it clung to her shoe. Sweat should not be sticky. She really hoped that was sweat. Her face contorted as she struggled to shake it off, flailing her foot around before-

"Souji-san, stop fooling arou-"

Splat.

"... Why is this sock sticky?"

A moment of silence for John Doe's handsome face.

Switching perspectives yet again, Ang blinked and looked up as he heard the shrill, girly screech of a man that just had his integrity tainted. He chuckled to himself… for some reason, he felt responsible for it. And it felt good.

"What are you giggling at? Tell me the joke. Tell me!"

Nobu nudged Ang's shoulder, curious as to what he was laughing at. Not that he could really explain, so he ignored her… she started to prod him, and then bludgeoned him with the butt of a matchlock-

"Oof!"

Ang fell over.

"Hey! You can't just escalate it into such a blunt weapon suddenly! It's gotta be gradual!"

"I wanna know the joke!"

"Okay okay jeez, stop pointing that thing at my crotch."

She had some fixation with aiming her rifle at his crotch. It was an obvious weakspot, but c'mon. Have some sense of respect for a man's dignity and fertility.

"Right… uh, what's the difference between the Shinsengumi and my life?"

"Hooo?"

"... Not much, really. They're both pointless concepts."

… Talk about a pitiful amount of self-esteem. That being said, Nobu burst into laughter.

"That's such a you-level joke, mwahaha! Good."

She only found it funny because of that reason. It was better than her not being amused by it at all. Regardless, they were at the final destination of their investigation. Since y'know, they've actually been going around and doing their assigned task, rather than become frozen in time while another scene takes place.

Before them was a massive tree with ashen bark, which sat in the middle of a plaza in the middle ground district of the city, Menlo Park. It was the bustling area at the epicenter of Chaldea City, that hub which connects everything… all centralized at this oversized tree which was the only piece of mother nature's greenery in this otherwise concrete jungle.

And of course, Cat was stuck up this tree. Because we always have to have one of those in a story, right? Though she wasn't really in peril… it looked like she was napping contently in one of its many branches. Unfortunately, it seems to have drawn quite the crowd that seemed mortified by Cat's "perilous predicament" and wanted to help her, yet they instead pulled out their devices to record the incident in case someone else steps in to save her. Totally not relatable.

Ang and Nobu looked at each other.

"Y'know… that's a really tall tree."

"It is! So, start climbing."

"You're kidding, right?"

"What? Use that agility you're so proud of!"

Ang's  **A RANK AGILITY** wasn't simply something he could rely on any time he liked! Okay, it definitely was, but he really didn't wanna climb up this gargantuan tree. Especially with all these people watching! He'd be treated as a heroic person… ugh! How sickening to even consider!

Click.

"Okay okay I'm going!"

Fuck those matchlocks. She always had them loaded but the one she gave Ang was empty. The Demon King's methods of persuasion were great, to say the least.

Ang summoned his pair of weird blade things and started to use them as makeshift climbing picks.

"...  _snort_ "

Ang tilted his head back and glared at Nobu. The fuck was she snorting at?

"What the fuck are those things meant to be? They look like a twelve-year-old designed them!"

As she laughed, other people in the crowd did as well… y'know, just to make Ang feel all the more terrible about this situation. He grimaced and just kept hacking his way up the tree. This is why he hated people.

However, as he reached around a fifth of the way up to where Cat was, something whizzed past his head and struck into the bark above his head… it was an arrow.

"..."

He screamed.

"WHO THE FUCK IS SHOOTING AT ME?!"

A bowstring bending back was heard as the arrow nocked, and another shot flew up to narrowly miss his right leg as he pulled it away.

"I ain't fucking target practice, fuck oooooff!"

The crowd's attention turned towards the owner of the bow… it was John Doe, with a cool expression on his face as he lowered the weapon.

"Do not be fooled by this idiot's attempts at heroism. He is, in fact, the perpetrator of this dilemma. Who else but a deviant like him to drive an innocent family's pet up a tree like so?"

John, why have you done this? You had one job, that was to provide delicious food to everyone in the class. Not set out to make our protagonist into a pincushion!

Nobu twirled a matchlock in her hand skilfully and grinned towards John.

"Oi, that's my vice-rep you're shooting at."

"I am simply doing my part as a member of society. This is JUSTICE."

Oh dear. John Doe has activated "HERO OF JUSTICE MODE". His parameters increased and he has now temporarily become the "protagonist". Nobu and Ang are now the villains.

"... Suits me better anyway."

Ang shrugged and attempted to climb again… his ascent was halted by a volley of arrows that cut him off. Another volley and they were now framing his body, effectively trapping him.

"H-hey you didn't hit me… but this is really damn inconvenient!"

"I am Archer, and I have delivered JUSTICE to you. Stay put, villainous scum, while the enforcer comes to collect you."

The enforcer? Who in the world could that be-

Whoosh.

A blue-white blur went straight through the crowd, weaving through Nobu and John, before it started to ascend up the tree towards Ang.

"What the-"

Shink!

A katana stabbed into in the bark of the tree beside him as Okita suddenly appeared there with a determined look on her face… which quickly degraded into a confused one as she saw Ang.

"Huh? What are YOU doing up here?"

"No no no, what are YOU doing up here?! Shouldn't you be dying of anemia or something?"

"Firstly, it's chronic tuberculosis. Secondly, we thought you were some heinous villain! Man, it must've been someone else's disgusting, blown-up apartment that we went to. Phew! You had me scared for a second!"

No, you pretty much have all those facts correct. It was just that the villainous Ang was too conflicted with the emotions of fear, anger, and confusion to really muster up any response so he just kinda hung there and nodded.

"That being said, you should probably hang around here and let me handle this… we can explain to John when we're back down! Promise!"

Okita started to go ahead of Ang. Thank god someone else was going to go do it, he thought.

But hold on, we should focus on our NEW protagonist, John Doe.

He aimed up towards Ang, with the intent of disarming him. However, as he fired the arrow, it was shot out the air with amazing timing and aim. The crowd gasped in awe and shock.

"... Are you obstructing JUSTICE?"

Nobu laughed and clicked a new matchlock, discarding the old one as she aimed towards the determined protagonist.

"Yeaaaah. I am. It can't be helped!"

Several more formed a lotus formation behind her as she folded her arms.

"Vice-rep! You must defeat the Shinsengumi scum! Bring glory and victory to Dahag!"

Ang looked down, with an expression that basically said "are you joking?". A glancing shot to the area between his legs that splintered the bark filled him with new resolve (read:fear) as he broke the arrows off and scrambled up the tree like the world's ugliest weevil.

"We are not scum! A-and I'm not in the Shinsengumi, but I'm not impersonating or anything! B-because that would be a criminal offense and I am no criminal, for I go out of my way to uphold everything that is great about the-"

The prodigal swordswoman was suitably distracted as Ang managed to somehow clamber past her. Fortunately, she wasn't quite that stupid as she saw the cockroach surpass her in scaling the vast tree trunk. Huffing a little, she hurried up after him.

John fired another shot towards Ang, but it was shot out the air again.

"Would you stop that?!"

"Nah! Eyes on me, justice man."

Nobu seemed fired up… literally. There were some sick embers emanating from her feet and hair-ends. Someone in the crowd decided to call the fire department. Y'know, just in case things get out of hand (they probably will).

"Hmph. I was getting tired of this charade anyway."

He cast away the bow and instead summoned a pair of strange swords; one white and one black. They were mysterious swords that had deep and sophisticated lore embedded into their very being… not that any of us care. They were just a pair of pretty cool swords.

"Forsaking your only way of contending with my ranged advantage? Is this some form of handicap? … Oi, are you underestimating me?"

Nobu clicked her tongue as she gave John quite the glare, seeing this as some kinda slight against her. He simply smirked as the two had a dramatic staredown. The crowd fell silent, as did Okita as she stopped and felt the pressure of the atmosphere developing…

The demon king grinned. She was the center of attention once again. Not that it was a bad feeling. She figured she would've had a longer break, but this was fine too. Firing up was nice now and again, after all. Her hair flowed unnaturally in the air as sparks literally started coming off of her.

"Go on. Make the first move."

John chuckled before his smirk faded and his expression became stern.

"Very well. This shall be your end, villain."

He suddenly dropped his swords, before they vanished into thin air. What was the point in bringing them out again? It was to dramatically lead into his trump card, of course!

" _I am the bone of my sword…_ "

Energy gathered around him as Nobu watched on with a cocksure smile, preparing herself to counter whatever mysteries John had to throw towards her… perhaps we would finally find out what his TRUE NAME was. Perhaps-

" **BLRBGLRbglrglbgbRGBBLRGBLRGBLBGRLBG-** "

Um.

"Worry not citizens! The fire is being extinguished!"

A handsome blond-haired man in the entirely wrong uniform for a fire warden (except for his bright red fireman's hat) held his arm out as several gouts of water blasted Nobu into submission.

John blinked.

"... This isn't-  **HRHGHEUHHGRHRGGRHGHRGHRGHGH-** "

He too received the sudden hydro pumps as things became thoroughly… well, damp. Nobu shot up, shivering like a cat that had fallen into a river as she charged towards the fireman.

"The hell do you think you are?! I AM THE DEMON-"

SPLOOSH.

She was blasted back again by the hose as the blonde man swished his hair back, making sure not to get wet himself.

"Hahaha! Such a beautiful lady, it is unfortunate that your rage burns so fiercely. Were it not for my ill-fated role as a fire warden, I, Fionn Mac Cumhaill, would ask for your hand in marriage! Diarmuid! I believe she has had quite enough."

The pretty man called Diarmuid sighed as he turned off the hose. He was actually in uniform, but in a way that made him look like some pin-up poster in a female locker room.

"Why… in the world are we firemen again, my king?"

"Because they were the roles available to us when we applied! It must have been fated! Fire wardens get the opportunity to meet many types of beautiful women, after all. We even get to carry them at times!"

"I'm fairly sure they were the only roles left because we're nothing more than afterthoughts to the offer…"

"What was that? Speak up, Diarmuid."

"Nothing. I think we're done here."

John spluttered, his chant interrupted and the energy dispersing. Now he was pissed off as well.

"Don't just go around blasting people with that hose! That's sure against your regulations! I wasn't even on fire!"

"You looked like you needed to cool off though!"

"..."

Sure enough, John had cooled off. His machismo had faded, and he officially lost his protagonist status. You know what that means?

Back to our main hero! Wait a second, where is he?

Okita blinked.

"Huh? Oh no! I was so transfixed into inactivity by the shenanigans down below that I have completely ignored the cockroach!"

As she looked up, she saw… Ang was at the branch!

He gulped, as he trod carefully across the wooden appendage. It wasn't too narrow but this was quite high… the view gave him butterflies in his stomach.

"C'mon Cat… wake up. Oi! Cat food! Fresh fish! Pork rib ramen!"

Silly Ang. Cats don't eat ramen. Only the tonbito that comes with some kinds of ramen. Never the noodles or broth, just the flakes. Cat turned over in her sleep as she let out a drowsy burp.

"Nnngh… Cat is too stuffed to eat another bite~..."

This wasn't going to work. She was in hibernation mode due to the feast she had. This was why you shouldn't overfeed your pets! He cursed silently as he got closer… he'd have to nudge her awake. She was too heavy to carry down, so this was the only way.

The crowd's attention was up at him now, no one daring to make any distracting sounds that may throw him off. Except-

CLANK!

A tall ladder suddenly smashed against the side of the tree as Fionn gave a thumbs-up to Ang.

"Haha! How ingenious of me to have thought about bringing this fire ladder. After all, I am a fire warden! Worry not, dark one, we will rescue that poor trapped cat!"

Ang was consequently thrown off by that sudden shake of the tree, caused by the ladder. This wasn't going to end well, as he tripped over a knot in the bark and stumbled forwards. He gasped and reached out to brace his fall… all he got was a faceful of-

**FLUFFY.**

**FUCKING.**

_**TAIL.** _

…

Time froze. The crowd froze. Fionn's hair swayed majestically in the wind as he gazed up in sheer awe…

"NYAAAAAAA-▂▂▃▃▅▅ーーー!"

The resounding shockwave of the full-power kitty revulsion sent that human trash bag flying… literally sky-high. A resounding-

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu….."

-was heard as Ang hurtled over the city and far away. No one was sure what to even think of this… but hey. Cat was now in free-fall!

The crowd gasped. Fionn pointed upwards and yelled:

"She is falling! Who is going to save the poor thing now?!"

"Isn't that your fucking job?!"

John was too busy calling Fionn out on his bullshit to react, Nobu was too busy being wet and Diarmuid was… too busy being too damn handsome? I dunno.

Woosh.

A black blur suddenly emerged from the crowd and snagged the Cat straight outta the air. The figure landed and dumped the cat beside the sodden demon king.

"... Hmph. It seems like I didn't have to do much at all."

The black-suited maidservant of Gilgamesh ended up becoming the overall winner, as the crowd cheered for her. She thought nothing of it, but opted to accept interviews as the press latched onto her. Gotta keep up the public image for Urukorp, after all.

Nobu just sat there with a poker face expression. Her fiery rage was being sufficiently subdued by undeniable amounts of befuddlement. Cat turned to her.

"Nobu! Cat is glad to see you, for you are not a talking fish. They were weird."

"Cat… I won't put a leash on you again, but can you not wander off and cause chaos?"

"Hmm… you must negotiate with the Cat. Three fish dinners! For the next term! My conditions are final!"

"Yeah yeah, we'll discuss it when we get back."

John wandered over to them and extended his hand to Nobu. Seems like the competitive feelings had subsided, and normal John Doe had returned to them.

"Uh… let's just forget this and continue with festival preparation. Deal?"

"... Deal."

Nobu took the hand and got up, before she started to wring out her shirt.

"Uh, what about Mainyu-san?"

"Oh, vice-rep? Eh, he'll find a way back. Somehow."

As for the firemen… well, Diarmuid was doing the boring job of packing up the fire equipment while Fionn was just kinda hitting on some girls from the crowd. By the way, their "fire truck" was a giant demon boar.

Diarmuid loaded the rest of the stuff on before patting the boar on the nose and turning to Fionn.

"My king, it is time."

"Hahaha, indeed! Sorry girls, but I must be off. If I were perhaps a polyamorous man, I would propose to all of you… sadly, I am not. I do hope our paths may be blessed enough to cross again in the future, however. Farewell."

He bowed and wandered back towards the giant boar in grandiose fashion, golden hair glistening in the sun. The girls swooned so hard that any possibility of a future husband became impossible.

John shook his head.

"Celts… I dislike the lot of them."

"Casual racism, eh?"

Nobu nudged John in the shoulder as they made their way off and the crowd started to disperse. Cat hummed a strange tune as John sighed towards that remark.

"No… I just have really bad overall experiences with the Celts. Cu is bad enough as is."

"Really? You guys seemed like brothers when I saw you last."

"Say that again and I'll only give you half-portions for your next lunch."

She laughed heartily as they made their way off… normal pedestrian traffic resumed in that plaza as peace was restored to Menlo Park.

As for Ang? Well… we'll get to that in a bit.

…

_Later that day…_

The sun started to set over Menlo Park…

"… Um…"

Okita sat on the branch with tucked knees as she watched the sun go down. She sighed in resignation…

"Is someone going to rescue meeeeee…"

Hmm… nah.

"PLEASE-"


End file.
